I need to do some less aggressive venting.
Today I was sitting at my desk (still am) at lunch, Mimi was running an errand for me, on the fifth floor, getting some stuff I needed for the meeting tomorrow. My cell phone rings, while I was grooving to Oasis - Champagne Supernova, and on the phone was an old friend from high school.
She called to talk to me, dig up some memories and shoot the shit basically.
The talk is good, she asks about my wife, and kids, and the talk was pleasant.
So the thorn in my side gets addressed. "Why did you stop hanging out with us at graduation and after?"
I kind of spaced out on her, as any answer other than the cold hard truth would probably hurt, and I do not give out bullshitty excuses.
"Because, I got married and had a kid on the way, there was no room in my life for parties, getting drunk or just stagnating in my youth, whining about how unfair life is, while not doing a damned thing to change it."
She went silent for a couple of minutes.
That group she fondly remembers, the friends I had since I came out of the crib with them, all save one, decided to just veg out, and dare rub it in my face. The one friend who decided to do something with his life, is my best friend, who served in active duty, and now moved to the reserves. Married, a kid, and a nice house.
She scoffed, as if she had the moral high ground to judge me and my life choices.
"Well that boring bullshit is fine for you. But I went places, and we did things, probably more than you have seen or done."
"Thats all well and good for you, bouncing from bed to bed, getting your belly full, and your ass pounded. But my plans had always been to grow the fuck up, and make a life."
"Fuck you Writer, you were always a boring prick." -Click-
I chuckled a little.
The thing that ruined my good mood and day was that nagging fucking question that always seems to haunt my mind.
"Are you really happy with things? Or would you change it all if you could?"
Then a strong dose of Melancholy and Ennui hit me, and I had to take a walk.
I broke my promises today.
I sat in my truck, fished out a shot bottle of fireball, and lit a cigarette.
I drank it down. I smoked that fucker to the filter.
I promised and have been working on quitting smoking.
I promised I would not drink in the suns face. I never drink anything harder than a beer during the day, and if I have a beer, the sun is past midday.
I felt like shit. I truly hate myself as I twirl that tiny golden manacle around my finger. Its a simple band, gold. "Me and You, forever." on the inside.
It was heavier than anything in this world.
Worst off, I could not cry out these feelings.
Not even a single tear.
I love my wife, life, and kids, even more than myself. But right now, I feel like walking. right into that metaphorical sunset.
I cant even say why I feel this way.
So would I change things if I could. Probably not. Am I truly happy? Deep down I am.
Then what is nagging me so fucking hard, I should have married it instead?
I have a nice job, a house, a family, practically the American fucking dream on a silver plated platter.
But why do I feel so empty?
Talked to some of my coworkers about it when I returned and I get:
"Look at little Writer, he's got his midlife crisis, its so cute!"
I said fuck that.
I was so disgusted.
I am forty, not fifty, I can vividly remember not even being able to even get facial hair until I was sixteen, and then it was facial pubes my dad told me to keep trimmed.
I don't feel like its that simple, though. I don't particularly need a motorcycle or some hot rod from some misspent youth.
But what I need, I cannot even put a finger on.
Thank you for letting me rant.