Monday, 3 October 2011
In an emotional interview, God, the Supreme Ruler of the universe, has tearfully apologized for the massive loss of life that occurred on his watch during the last ten years.
Earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes and terrorist attacks have claimed hundreds of thousands of lives over the last decade. "I know it'll always be on my conscience," God admitted. "But I've been so busy the last few years. Everyone wants me to fix the result of every high school football game. Not to mention, every Republican politician is constantly bending my ear, calling on me to cut taxes on the rich. Where am I supposed to find the time to do anything else?"
"9/11 - I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming," God continued. "I'll never listen to George Tenet again, let alone James Jesus Angleton. Anyway, I tried to make amends by causing two fragments of girder to stick together in the shape of a cross. I figured it was the least I could do."
Asked how he had been occupying himself in recent months, God rolled his eyes. "Hoo boy - if it isn't Rick Perry calling on me to send rain to Texas, it's Michelle Bachmann enlisting me as her campaign manager. I'm supposed to make her look smart and well-informed. What am I, a miracle worker? Well, technically I am, but there are limits, you know."
Asked about the growing popularity of "New Atheists" authors such as Richard Dawkins, God responded, "Richard is actually a pretty good mate of mine. We go down to the pub every so often for a pint. Too bad he can't hold it very well. He starts telling me I'm a delusion. That's when I know he's had enough and it's time to get him home.
"Still, I must say I'd rather have a beer with Richard Dawkins than any Republican politician, any day of the week. I mean, invading other countries, smashing their temples, taking their resources - that's so Old Testament. I'm just not into that stuff any more, you know what I mean?"
Asked if he had any message for voters in the 2012 election, he responded: "Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and unto me the things that are mine. I mean, I can't always be there to hold your hand. You've got to grow up and figure things for yourself, you know? Global warming, species extinction, all that stuff - you screwed up, and you can sort it out your me-damn selves.
"And as for that whole priest pedophilia thing - hoo boy, you are so one your own with that one! Leave me the hell out of it."