Weirdest item you ever masturbated with?

[thetaxmancometh]

For me it was one of those "artificial pussies". Just felt so weird.

[mommysboytoy77]

for me....my mom's bra....felt....kinda weird.....but sooo hot

[joe_and_michelle]

Well, Michelle got this idea from Cosmo (I think it was)...   Masturbate for your parter without using your hands.
I had to go first.   It took me a minute to think of how I'd do it, but I came up with the idea of slipping a sock over my schlong, and I fucked between the mattress and the boxspring.   She was laughing hysterically as I did this.    Wasn't that exciting and I was a bit sore afterwards.   Had to go slow real slow while lifting the mattress a bit to relieve some of the weight of it.

For her turn, she got herself off on the bedpost.   I really enjoyed the view of her spreading slightly over the rounded bed post.    Her legs were tiring as she was getting close, she climbed up on the bed with me and finished herself off on my knee.  Just a slow grind. It was hot as hell to watch and feel.

Only other thing I can think of is when I was in college.  There were a few couples coming to my girlfriends apartment and I was peeling corn.   She looked at the one I had peeled and said, "mmmm, that looks good in more ways than one."   I said, "I'd love to see that."   She looked at it again and said, "Find a smaller one and save it for later."   It was the following morning when we took it out of the fridge.  She lubed it up and slid it in.  It only lasted for a few strokes.  She couldn't relax enough and said she was uncomfortable doing it in front of me.    I can't understand why, we had been dating for three weeks.

[JBRG]

Well, let's see. There was the satiny comforter that I would fold between two pillows that I would get off into. I seemed to launder that comforter a lot

And the shower massage with just the right setting that feels reeaaal good.

I've gotten my wife off with my big toe. And I had a girlfriend who liked to get herself off on my leg after which led to a wild fuck right after.

[MtTamKim]

Depends on how you define masturbating :-)

When I was little I went through a phase of trying like almost anything that was even remotely the right sort of shape and size to see if I could get it in, and how far. I wasn't getting off, though, or even trying to, so it wasn't really masturbating.

To like really masturbate with would be a little keyboard brush/vacuum I got in a kit with my first laptop. It buzzed perfectly till it finally died :-( Luckily soon after I was able to get a friends older sister to buy me a real vibrator to replace it.

Kim

[violetta valery]

It's definitely not weird, but...  when I was with the ex, we loved to visit the produce market together.  We bought a lot of unusual veggies.  The weird part was that sometimes we'd clean them and cook them after.  Now that was hot.   

I don't think I've done anything very unusual.  Candles, bottles, hairbrush handles, kitchen implements with handles, all the usual stuff.  I used to use a lube that came in a very... conveniently shaped bottle, and the ex used to DP me with it. 

Another ex liked to do me with his police baton and the barrel of a prop (not real!) gun.  That was kind of creepy, in retrospect, but we were super young at the time... and he didn't turn out to be a serial killer or anything, so it's all good, I suppose.

But really, not much beats a good vibrator, or the real thing, so I don't have much scope for creative masturbation these days. 

Probably pretty normal, all in all, but still fun!   

[KellyJJ]

Place cell phone on vibrate, insert in pussy and call myself over and over from another phone.

[Piper-Dreams]

An electric toothbrush; I am pretty vanilla I know.

[fnord]

An old battery-powered electric razor: removed the blades to reveal two smooth plastic nubs that stuck up into the blades & vibrated them back & forth. Place the nubs on the underside of the head, right on the sweet spot, & turn it on. Of course, at age [REDACTED], anything will work.

[SoVerySmall]

Loved reading the responses - wish there were a lot more!

The weirdest item I ever masturbated with was a screwdriver - the handle, not the pointy end. Not very weird, I know.

[IdleBoast]

My lawn.

I have a very laid back attitude to gardening, which I excuse as "being wildlife friendly".  This means I usually have very long grass.  The garden is also quite private.

A few days ago, I went out in the garden and got naked, just because I could.  I sat in the long grass, enjoying the "tickle", when on a whim I wrapped a handful of grass around my dick, and gently stroked up and down. It was cool, and a weird sort of slippery-ticklish.

I couldn't grip hard, that was uncomfortable, but I ended up having a gentle, refreshing sort of orgasm, and nothing needed cleaning up.

It was nice. I don't think I need to try it again, but I might if I'm in the mood.

[joe_and_michelle]

My lawn.

I have a very laid back attitude to gardening, which I excuse as "being wildlife friendly".  This means I usually have very long grass.  The garden is also quite private.

A few days ago, I went out in the garden and got naked, just because I could.  I sat in the long grass, enjoying the "tickle", when on a whim I wrapped a handful of grass around my dick, and gently stroked up and down. It was cool, and a weird sort of slippery-ticklish.

I couldn't grip hard, that was uncomfortable, but I ended up having a gentle, refreshing sort of orgasm, and nothing needed cleaning up.

It was nice. I don't think I need to try it again, but I might if I'm in the mood.

My wife built quite the garden/landscape while we lived in this house.   She has many tall grasses.    You barely brush up against this shit and it cuts the top layer of skin and you've got a rash in 15 minutes.    I'd be interested to know what grass you have, IB.

[IdleBoast]

Sorry, no idea - just green lawn grass, grown to a bit over a foot tall.

[joe_and_michelle]

Okay, that makes sense.
Anybody that does it with this ornamental grass would have to have a schlong stronger than Superman.

[handsomepeter]

I picked cantaloupe in Yuma Arizona right out of high school.  I didn't start it, but a nice warm cantaloupe with a hole cut into it makes for a nice free fleshlight.  

"I didn't start it" means I wasn't the first to do it.  Some of us went outside of the barracks after mid night just fooling around when one of the guys asked, "Anybody have a knife?"  I had one.  He thanked me then very carefully cut a hole where the cantaloupe had been attached to the vine.  He handed me the knife back and said thanks then walked away from us about twenty feet.  We wondered what he was going to do when his pants dropped and he started thrusting into the melon.

That prompted several others to ask for the knife.  I told them they could have it when I was through with it.  We wound up having a circle jerk fucking cantaloupes.  I think there were six of us.  After we had to shower (quietly it was two a.m.)  Cantaloupe pussy just doesn't smell good.  You couldn't want to smell like you'd fucked a cantaloupe the next day.

[Piper-Dreams]

I picked cantaloupe in Yuma Arizona right out of high school.  I didn't start it, but a nice warm cantaloupe with a hole cut into it makes for a nice free fleshlight. 

 

[IdleBoast]

I picked cantaloupe in Yuma Arizona right out of high school.  I didn't start it, but a nice warm cantaloupe with a hole cut into it makes for a nice free fleshlight. 

You didn't start it?

You had sloppy seconds in a cantaloupe??



 

[Katiebee]

I call it a sticky mess!

[Piper-Dreams]

I call it a sticky mess!

 

[NaughtyNicole]

I picked cantaloupe in Yuma Arizona right out of high school.  I didn't start it, but a nice warm cantaloupe with a hole cut into it makes for a nice free fleshlight. 

Did you or anyone eat the cantaloupe when you were finished?  Just curious! HAHA