This may become a wall of text, but this has to be told.
Christmas 2023: The battle of BetterthanYou's 2 the electric boogaloo.
Four families. My mom's side and dad's side, and my Wife's mom and dads sides.
Understand this, it is the year 2023, and the Writer empire faces a war of four armies. It started Saturday night...
Wife and everyone came home from finishing up their Christmas prep, and I was relaxing to the "Carol of the Bells" sipping some fine cognac, whatever was left after I made my brandied and cognac candied fruits for a recipe, that I started last Christmas, since it takes a long time for the booze to bring out the full flavor of the candied fruits. The families were doing their own things, when I get a phone call...
"Writer, come get your Uncle Joe."
It was a little bar I frequent often, and they pretty much know my dad's side of the family. So I head out to take him back to the hotel. No troubles, and he overpaid me for gas. But before I could get my feet back to the front of the fire, my mom's cousin calls me, I have to go get my lush of a Great Aunt, from one of the more upscale restaurants in the Cola. I mean this place is like a 50 dollar a plate, suit and tie place. I was no where near dressed enough to enter, but the owner let me in. I was a busboy after highschool as one of the jobs I held when trying to care for my family. He let me in, robe and all, even offered me some caviar and some really top shelf liquor. I said I had to drive, so he wrapped up a bottle of Dom for me, and gave me a goodie bag of sweets. I was elated, as their sweets are to die for. But I had to remove my lush great aunt from the bar, since she was one more ass touch of a waiter away from going to jail. Oh boy, she chewed my ass out all the way back to her sisters house (maternal grandmother.) My grandmother unceremoniously dumped her on the couch to sleep it off.
But my entire night was spent rescuing my drunken family, both sides.
At least I had some rich decadent treats.
(I left that restaurant on good terms, and the owner was a rich man on the outside, and a grease monkey under all of that money. He helped me with my truck when it would break down at the restaurant.)
Sunday, Christmas Eve, and the start of the war.
First off, my wife busted her ass off trying to find a place that can accommodate over a hundred or so people. So we booked two of the private rooms at the Golden Horse pen (not dropping any trademarked names.) Which we thought would be fine. How sweet, and naive we were. Her rich side of the family looked down their noses at the place from the get go. My family had to expose the backwoods hillbilly gene's in us, by sitting with the richie's talking about hunting, fishing and other outdoor things that my wife's family who has money does not do. My close family mostly kept to ourselves as the family tried pushing kid wrangling duties on to my youngest eighteen year old daughter. I wasn't having it. Shes almost a proper adult and they needed to tend to their own kids. The rich side of my family who were clashing with the rich folks on my wife's side pulled their usual shit on me, and both families ganged up on me and my wife, like they always do, since we are not rich, we must have a purpose, which is to be unpaid babysitters for the little snots they barely care about. My maternal grandmother, who is still the matriarch of my moms side of the family took charge, since she has this weird power that makes any child under the age of fourteen obey her unconditionally. She is scary good in that respect.
While I was trying enjoy my time with my family and a good meal, it would be her father's cousin that would ignite the powderkeg.
Our families have a tradition on both sides. The kids would receive a small gift, usually a small toy for the youngest, and usually cash or giftcards for the older, to celebrate good grades or accomplishments during the year. Its not mandatory, if you cant give a little, and there is no pressure to. Its more of a distraction for the kids while the adults talk shop. My great grand aunt has perpetually lived with the notion that I am still in high school, and thinks my son and daughters are my friends from school, and my wife is my girlfriend. But she handed me a card, and a card to my wife, which as always had a hundred bucks in it for me and her. The cousin, who is a right dickheaded dbag, a grown man mooching off of his parents, and their money, loudly complained that he did not get a card and it was wrong that I got one. Fortunately for me, my great grand aunt had returned to the other room before he went off on his tirade, and I finally had enough.
"You are twenty two, bro. Grow the fuck up."
"Why did you get money and I didn't, its not fair."
"She is senile, you pompous prick, we usually put the money back in her purse before she returns to the Home."
"You idiotic poor motherfu----"
"Slap."
My wife did not let him finish that sentence, as she stood and slapped him. In return his girlfriend/golddigger/ gutter slut, replied with a slap of her own, and thats when we all had to break it up and leave. I did not get to finish my omega swirl Ice Cream creation. It was good, too.
Monday.
After many, many phone calls, people cancelling and uncancelling, we finally had the plan down pat. We would be eating breakfast with my family, and lunch/dinner with hers. We opened our gifts and chilled as we dressed to go to my grandmothers house. It was full of people ready to kill my wife's family at the drop of a hat. We ate, made merry and opened presents. I had the Quiche, which is pretty good. But when it was time to go to her paternal grandfathers house, shit got real.
There was a table with me and my wife's name on it on the back porch, furthest from the back door. It wasn't cold out so it was fine, but in no way were we allowed in the house. Every time me or my wife tried to get something, someone would block us, and promise what we wanted would come soon. It never came. We finally, all of us out on the porch finally got left overs after everyone was already done eating. Slim pickings would be a compliment for what we had. And when it came time to open presents, the presents we brought were taken inside, while ours were lumped together in a plastic crate, two of them stacked up beside the table. We left. I took them to a diner that was open to feed my family, who were trying to process how to feel about it, and I knew how I felt. Fuck them all.
So we get home, and open the presents, which were quite shitty. I mean, it was obvious that we were an afterthought, despite me and the wife actually giving a fuck about what to get them. So she called her mom, and found out that her mom and dad opted to stay home, when they learned what the rest of her family was doing, and fortunately they got their presents early so they would not have to watch their daughter be treated worse than a servant. My wife cried. Like seriously broke down, which made me see crimson. Not red, Crimson. Blood. Theirs. My hands stained with it. No one makes my wife cry. No one. So I made a phone call to four people. Because we would have to see all of those assholes on New Years, I called four people. My grandmother, my dad's sisters and my siblings who all were crashing with their families at my dads house. Oh they done fucked up. The Bloque family might fight and agrue, but you fuck with one, you fuck with us all. Word got around real quick.
Tuesday.
I was getting ready for work, and my wife was going in on the late shift. My door to my bedroom was violently opened, and most of the women on my side of the family that was not working snatched my wife and abducted her for a few hours. Some of them were on the rich side of my family. I went to work still bent, and my boss asked what was the matter, and I laid it out for her, and she was mad too.
"Yeah, I think that if they could have gotten away with it, we would have been fed out of dog food bowls."
"You made the right choice in leaving. It was obvious that they did not want you there."
We talked a bit as the office burned down around us, as more orders were coming in, and going out filled, and no one was mentally ready to deal with it. At lunchtime my wife and daughters/permanent house guests showed up to eat with me in my office, and they all were dolled the fuck up. Like they looked like a bunch of women who were made of pretty and loads of cash. They brought me some sushi for lunch and they told me that my family took them out for a get well day, and ended up becoming super models and movie stars. I shrugged because I could not deal with all the beauty before me.
But something is up, and no one is telling me anything on my side of the family.
I will report more as it happens.