So I'm happily married, love my lady to death. She's awesome, sexy and I believe truly meant for me. I would never dream of hurting her.
And yet, I do things I know would hurt her if she found out. I still write porn fiction, I still look at porn and I still flirt, though online and not in person.
On top of that, and no hate or mockery please, I'm a Christian; I'd like to think not one of those club on Saturday, church on Sunday types. We like to have fun, engage in adventurous and monogamous intimate time; we know the boundaries.
I know this is wrong. I tell myself, well, there no intent to actually do the things I see and write and fantasize about; it's a mental diversion, but I also know that would be a weak excuse if she were to walk in just in time to see an XNXX or Kristen's Board window close.
Does anyone else struggle with this?
Maybe I just need to get it out of my system.
Anyway, just wanted to put this out here. Cheaper than a shrink and more anonymous than a church deacon.
I grew up in a very cult-like evangelical church, where *everyone* was judged to be sinners, and driven by demonic impulses, including lust and masturbation. I went over the wall, and did not set a foot inside church for almost 20 years. It was it until I had kids of my own that I started looking for a moral anchor in life.
So you are dealing with external and internal guilt. Are you a bad person? No. But you have to get a compass and an ethos, and no one can tell you what is right or wrong for you. That is a spiritual journey you must take for yourself.
Are you cheating on your wife by looking at porn and masturbating? There is no physical infidelity here, but there are issues concerning what you feel is appropriate, and vice versa. My wife knows about everything I do on the Internet (for the most part), and vice versa. We both look at porn, we both fantasize, and we both share our fantasies with the other. She tells me, “No one has ever made me cum like you, because you have no boundaries, you race right in to the most perverted part of my brain, and you celebrate it, you make me acknowledge it, and confess it, while I climax thinking about it.”
So we are able to look at porn, have fantasies, and masturbate, without hiding it, or feeling guilty about it. But we are probably unusual in that regard.
So I would suggest:
1. Figure out what your definition of right vs. wrong is concerning your sexuality and sexual expression.
2. Figure out what your wife’s feelings are about the same subject.
3. See if you can’t figure out a way to be open and honest with each other, even if it is embarrassing.
I say this only because retreating further into yourself will ultimately harm the relationship, because shared sexuality is an essential ingredient of a shared life.