KRISTEN'S BOARD
Congratulations to 2024 Pervert of the Year Shiela_M and 2024 Author of the Year Writers Bloque!

News:

Joke of the Day

Guest · 361601

0 Members and 8 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline vinney

  • POM - March 2012 - October 2014 - December 2015 - POY 2015
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,852
    • Woos/Boos: +949/-3
    • Gender: Male
  • Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.
Reply #3200 on: June 16, 2016, 01:37:31 AM
Liz is one to talk. She feels the same way about her horses. So don't "borrow" one, Vinney. ;-)

Huggssss GG......
While I slowly twist your nuts off.....
Whispering......"BITE ME"....in your ear.
 :emot_laughing:
Love ya....
Liz
 

Dammit GG... so you're the competition... :emot_laughing:

vinney

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline Elizabeth

  • Life Is Short........Play Naked..!!!
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 8,768
    • Woos/Boos: +392/-10
    • Gender: Female
Reply #3201 on: June 16, 2016, 01:39:57 AM
Liz is one to talk. She feels the same way about her horses. So don't "borrow" one, Vinney. ;-)

Huggssss GG......
While I slowly twist your nuts off.....
Whispering......"BITE ME"....in your ear.
 :emot_laughing:
Love ya....
Liz
 

Dammit GG... so you're the competition... :emot_laughing:

vinney

OMG....VINNEY..!!!!!!!!!!
 :emot_laughing:

Love,
Liz



Offline vinney

  • POM - March 2012 - October 2014 - December 2015 - POY 2015
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,852
    • Woos/Boos: +949/-3
    • Gender: Male
  • Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.
Reply #3202 on: June 16, 2016, 01:45:21 AM
 ;) :emot_kiss: :-* :emot_laughing:

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline None

  • Deviant
  • ****
    • Posts: 453
    • Woos/Boos: +28/-1
Reply #3203 on: June 16, 2016, 11:23:48 AM
A German, Frenchman, and American are traveling through a South American jungle. Suddenly they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribe leader tells the three men that they are going to kill them and make a canoe out of their skin. However,  the tribe leader will grant them one final request. The German says, "I'd like a nice tall beer." So, the leader gives him a beer. After he finishes, the tribe kills him and skins him for the canoe. The Frenchman asks for a cigarette.  After he finishes it he is killed and skinned just like the German. The American sees what happens to the first two guys then looks at the tribe leader and says, "I'd like a fork." The leader, with a perplexed look, hands him a fork. The American begins stabbing himself all over with the fork and yells, "No way in hell you are going to make a canoe out of me!"



Offline Katiebee

  • Shield Maiden POY 2018
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,197
    • Woos/Boos: +946/-14
    • Gender: Female
  • Achieving world domination, one body at a time.
Reply #3204 on: June 19, 2016, 12:40:48 AM
We trained hard ... but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.

Charlton Ogburn

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.


TinyDancer

  • Guest
Reply #3205 on: June 23, 2016, 02:47:21 PM
Gravity all I can say is that I like your taste in music better than your joke of the day.   :D



Offline Elizabeth

  • Life Is Short........Play Naked..!!!
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 8,768
    • Woos/Boos: +392/-10
    • Gender: Female
Reply #3206 on: June 23, 2016, 07:40:36 PM
Gravity all I can say is that I like your taste in music better than your joke of the day.   :D
Likewise ;)

Ready for another?

Too late!

Dear God

Last month you took my favorite musician - Prince
Last week you took my favorite boxer - Muhammed Ali
Now you took my favorite hockey player - Gordie Howe

I just want to let know know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.


…and for the sake of balance…

Dear God

Last month you took my favorite musician - Prince
Last week you took my favorite boxer - Muhammed Ali
Now you took my favorite hockey player - Gordie Howe

I just want to let know know that my favorite candidate is Hillary Clinton.




Talk about dreaming "BIG".......Good Luck with both.
"However", If you somehow get an answer, please notify America (We Need All The Help We Can Get).
 :emot_laughing:

Love,
Liz




Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #3207 on: June 23, 2016, 08:57:31 PM
God doesn't do those kinds of requests. :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline None

  • Deviant
  • ****
    • Posts: 453
    • Woos/Boos: +28/-1
Reply #3208 on: June 26, 2016, 05:20:55 AM
A girl walks up to her mom and says, "Mommy, I know where babies come from. The neighbor boy told me."

The mother replies, "Oh, where?"

The girls answers, "Well first, the neighbor boy puts his privates in your mouth. Then some stuff comes out the end. You swallow it, the stuff goes down to your belly, and you have a baby."

The mother replies, "Oh honey, that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."



Offline aaron23062

  • Pervert
  • **
    • Posts: 75
    • Woos/Boos: +10/-0
    • Gender: Male
Reply #3209 on: June 30, 2016, 02:28:53 PM
What do you get from kissing canaries?
Chirpees, it's a "Canareal Disease"

Sadly, the illness has no cure. It's... untweetable.

The truth is a three-edged sword.  -- Kosh


Offline ObiDongKenobi

  • Global Moderator
  • Freakishly Strange
  • ******
    • Posts: 3,216
    • Woos/Boos: +1792/-3
    • Gender: Male
Reply #3210 on: June 30, 2016, 04:53:33 PM

Q)  What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A) A lickalottopuss


Princess, would you like to see it light up and hum when I wave it about


Offline Elizabeth

  • Life Is Short........Play Naked..!!!
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 8,768
    • Woos/Boos: +392/-10
    • Gender: Female
Reply #3211 on: June 30, 2016, 04:58:30 PM
What do you get from kissing canaries?
Chirpees, it's a "Canareal Disease"

Sadly, the illness has no cure. It's... untweetable.

"GROANS"......loudly, I might add...............

Love,
Liz



Offline Well Behaved Lady

  • Freakishly Strange
  • ******
    • Posts: 3,504
    • Woos/Boos: +535/-8
    • Gender: Female
Reply #3212 on: July 08, 2016, 10:34:32 AM
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'



Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #3213 on: July 08, 2016, 11:22:59 AM
First Paddy's Sister gets lucky, then his wife. Poor guy... :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline None

  • Deviant
  • ****
    • Posts: 453
    • Woos/Boos: +28/-1
Reply #3214 on: July 11, 2016, 11:48:19 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a lake?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?
Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in prison?
Fucked



Offline MintJulie

  • ~. Version Number 9.15.0 ~
  • Super Freak
  • Burnt at the stake
  • ******
    • Posts: 10,958
    • Woos/Boos: +1814/-23
    • Gender: Female
  • Madame Sheriff
Reply #3215 on: July 12, 2016, 04:04:59 AM
Funny Captain.   Heard them all except the last.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eilene

.
          You might not know this, but I have a thing for Tom Brady (and Bill Clinton)
Version 9.15
POY 2016


Offline Katiebee

  • Shield Maiden POY 2018
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,197
    • Woos/Boos: +946/-14
    • Gender: Female
  • Achieving world domination, one body at a time.
Reply #3216 on: July 12, 2016, 07:24:01 AM
Can we PLEASE stop the punishment?

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.


Offline None

  • Deviant
  • ****
    • Posts: 453
    • Woos/Boos: +28/-1
Reply #3217 on: July 13, 2016, 03:53:55 PM
What does Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common?
Neither will take any shit from the Klingons.



Offline Justin Cider

  • New Pervert
  • *
    • Posts: 7
    • Woos/Boos: +2/-0
Reply #3218 on: July 16, 2016, 10:58:52 PM
A naive young couple get married.

In the hotel room that night the wife sits on the bed whilst the husband shyly disrobes.
When he takes his shoes and socks off the wife shrieks, points to his feet and says.  “My God!  What happened to your poor feet?” 
The husband looks at her and says.  “When I was just a boy I came down with a really bad case of Toe-lio!”
“Oh come on,”  says the wife,  “There’s no such thing as Toe-lio.  You shouldn’t make fun of me like that – making stuff up and all.  I only asked.” 
The husband looks at her, all hurt.  “Make things up?  Make things up?  LOOK AT MY FEET WOMAN!”  “Oh, all right,”  says the wife,  “I can see it must have been traumatic.  If you say it was Toe-lio then Toe-lio it was.”
The husband, slightly mollified, undoes his belt and drops his trousers.
“Oh my God!”  shouts the wife.  “What’s wrong with your legs?”  “Well”  says the husband, “when I was just getting over the Toe-lio I caught a terrible case of the Kneesles!”  “Kneesles?” Cries the wife. “Kneesles?  Now I know you are making fun of me.  You should be ashamed.  There is NO such disease as Kneesles!”
 “No such disease?”  Says the husband, almost in tears.  “No such disease?”  LOOK AT MY DAMNED LEGS!  How can you say there is no such disease?"
 “I’m sorry,”  says the wife,  “I’m so sorry, it’s just that it sounds so silly and I have never heard of such a thing.  But OH, your poor legs!”
“Well,” says the husband finally as he takes off his underwear,  “Alright then.”

His wife takes one look and shouts.  “No, no, don’t tell me, let me guess ..................... Smallcox?”




How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler…



What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.   (Sorry!   :emot_kiss: )



Also, did you hear about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.



Offline Piper-Dreams

  • Freakishly Strange
  • ******
    • Posts: 1,293
    • Woos/Boos: +25/-0
    • Gender: Female
  • Meow
Reply #3219 on: July 20, 2016, 07:27:21 PM
Donald Trump got elected into the White House.......



























That's pretty much the entire joke.  :D