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TinyDancer

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Reply #3180 on: June 02, 2016, 01:04:44 PM
T. S. Eliot once admitted that he got the idea for a line in The Wasteland from an ancient Indian manuscript. He was unapologetic, saying that all the great authors steal from each other, going back through antiquity. Thus we forgive and applaud Tiny Dancer for dressing up an old joke in a new suit, and thank Gravity for coming up with the ancestral version. Eliot explained that what marks a great author from the average scribe is knowing what stuff is good to steal.

Of course it's an old joke...topic is JOKE of the day, and I stole it from the internet.  Oh and while I thank y'all for the applaud I don't need to be forgiven by anybody on this board.



Offline vinney

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Reply #3181 on: June 02, 2016, 09:24:36 PM

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline Elizabeth

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Reply #3182 on: June 02, 2016, 09:42:58 PM


Not A Chance.........Does he have a boat with a decent motor.??
 :D

Love,
Liz



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Reply #3183 on: June 03, 2016, 02:03:33 AM
It was a sunny afternoon when Jesus and Moses were playing golf. They walked up to a hole with a water hazard. Jesus says to Moses, "Give me my driver." Moses replies, "You better play a wedge and lay up." Jesus answers, "I saw Arnold Palmer drive this green just last week." So, Moses hands him his driver. Jesus hits the ball and it flies straight into the pond. Jesus tells Moses, "Go get my ball." Moses wades out into the hazard and retrieves the ball.

Jesus again says, "Moses, give me my driver." Moses gives him a strange look and answers, "You just hit it into the water. You better play a wedge and lay up." Jesus again says., "I saw Arnold Palmer drive this green last week." Moses again hands him the driver. Jesus hits the ball and it drops right into the pond. Jesus tells Moses to go get his ball. Again, Moses wades out into the water and brings the ball back.

Moses then tells Jesus, "You better play the wedge and lay up." Jesus answers, "Nope, give me my driver. Arnold Palmer drove this green last week." Moses hands him the driver and says, "Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you." Jesus takes his swing and sure enough, right back into the hazard. He looks to Moses and before he could say anything Moses says, "Oh no, I told you to lay up three times. You go get your own damn ball."

So, Jesus walks out on top of the water to retrieve his ball. Just then another couple walks up. The man looks at Jesus, then and Moses, and says, "Who the hell does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses looks at the man sternly and answers, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
« Last Edit: June 03, 2016, 02:06:53 AM by Emanresu »



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #3184 on: June 06, 2016, 05:01:12 PM
Why do I get the feeling he helped her into the lion's mouth? :o

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


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Reply #3185 on: June 08, 2016, 03:36:47 PM
A American business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day early. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Soko janai!, Soko janai!". Hearing this, the American knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the American joined in and began yelling, "Soko janai! Soko janai!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"



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Reply #3186 on: June 09, 2016, 03:46:48 AM
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"  "Yes," replies the little girl.  "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.  The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"  The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"  "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"



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Reply #3187 on: June 09, 2016, 03:50:39 PM
One evening a young child opens the door to their parents bed room, walks in, and sees them having sex with mom on top. The child asks, "Mommy, what are you doing?" The mother replies,  "Your daddy's belly gets full of air and I have to help him get it out." The child promptly answers, "Well, that's because the neighbor lady comes over during the day and blows him back up."



Offline Elizabeth

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Reply #3188 on: June 09, 2016, 04:14:48 PM
Woman Angry with Boyfriend about what He Did in Her Dream


A woman who dreamed that her partner was having an affair with her best friend has remained absolutely furious about it for the whole day.

Joanna Kramer of Bristol blanked her boyfriend over breakfast and has not replied to any of his puzzled texts because she is not yet ready to forgive him.

She said, "He knows full well what he's done. Kissing her right there in front of everybody, on that cake stall I used to go to as a girl which was now on board a ship for some reason. At the time I was distracted because I'd only just left an exam I had no idea I was meant to be sitting, but I woke up angry and it's only got worse. He's got some serious making-up to do."

Partner, Joe Turner said, "I'm expected to buy her flowers because her unconscious mind decided I was unfaithful? Ridiculous. Of course I didn't tell her that I had the exact same dream and it was awesome."



Not for nothing....."But"....this guy is in a "No Win" situation.

Love,
Liz




Offline vinney

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Reply #3189 on: June 09, 2016, 11:36:47 PM
Woman Angry with Boyfriend about what He Did in Her Dream


A woman who dreamed that her partner was having an affair with her best friend has remained absolutely furious about it for the whole day.

Joanna Kramer of Bristol blanked her boyfriend over breakfast and has not replied to any of his puzzled texts because she is not yet ready to forgive him.

She said, "He knows full well what he's done. Kissing her right there in front of everybody, on that cake stall I used to go to as a girl which was now on board a ship for some reason. At the time I was distracted because I'd only just left an exam I had no idea I was meant to be sitting, but I woke up angry and it's only got worse. He's got some serious making-up to do."

Partner, Joe Turner said, "I'm expected to buy her flowers because her unconscious mind decided I was unfaithful? Ridiculous. Of course I didn't tell her that I had the exact same dream and it was awesome."



Not for nothing....."But"....this guy is in a "No Win" situation.

Love,
Liz



Aw shucks... it's alright for some people to have headaches... obviously this guy has got one as well... and if he hasn't he will have when she knocks the stuffing out of him...

vinney

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline Elizabeth

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Reply #3190 on: June 09, 2016, 11:41:10 PM
Okay......How exactly can you defend yourself against a dream...??
It never physically happened, it was her (or yours) imagination.
How do you come up with a defense against something like this.
Even a Lawyer (like Toe) would probably cringe at this if it even came to court for Divorce (because of a dream..??.....WTH.)

Love,
Liz
 



Offline vinney

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Reply #3191 on: June 09, 2016, 11:48:46 PM
Okay......How exactly can you defend yourself against a dream...??
It never physically happened, it was her (or yours) imagination.
How do you come up with a defense against something like this.
Even a Lawyer (like Toe) would probably cringe at this if it even came to court for Divorce (because of a dream..??.....WTH.)

Love,
Liz
 

Unless you talk in your sleep... and I don't think you did Liz...  :D ... who knows what the hell you were dreaming about... but in this case...

Typical...! Dream something and believe it...? Or dream something and enjoy it...? Whatever... it's up to her to prove he was unfaithful... and unless he had a wet dream there's no way she can prove it... Therefore no defence necessary...

I think...

vinney

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Reply #3192 on: June 11, 2016, 03:57:42 PM
Hmmm. Do you think she's trying to tell Phil something? :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


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Reply #3193 on: June 14, 2016, 06:59:33 PM
One evening a nun was walking along a dimly lit path. Suddenly a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged her back in. He then proceeded to rape her. Afterwards he asked her, "What are you going to tell the Mother Superior when you get back to the convent?"

She replied, "Well, I am going to have to tell her the truth. As I was walking along this path a bad man jumped out of the bushes, dragged me back in, and raped me twice. If you're not too tired."



Offline redhatlover

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Reply #3194 on: June 14, 2016, 09:55:41 PM
What's the difference between the wedding night and the 50th anniversary night?
On the wedding night, the woman says "OH NO, its too big!"
On the 50th anniversary night, the man says "OH NO, its too big!"

I am like Charlie the Tuna.  I don't want women with good taste, I want women who taste good.


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Reply #3195 on: June 14, 2016, 10:08:03 PM
 :emot_laughing: like throwing a hot dog down the hallway.



Offline Elizabeth

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Reply #3196 on: June 15, 2016, 05:40:31 PM

Australian Missing Person
Australian husband to Australian police sergeant: “Sergeant, my wife is missing. She went shopping and hasn’t come home.”

Sergeant: “What’s her height?”

“Gee, not sure, a little over 5 feet.”

“Weight?”

“Not slim, not really fat.”

“Eye colour?”

“Brown, I think, not sure, never really noticed.”

“Hair colour?”

“Changes a couple of times a year… maybe brown.”

“What was she wearing?”

“Could have been pants… don’t know to be certain.”

“What kind of car was she in?”

“She went in my truck.”

“What kind of truck?”

“A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered, with manual transmission and climate-controlled-air-conditioning. Custom leather six-way seats and Bubba floor mats. Full GPS navigation, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting…”

At this point the husband starts choking up.

Sergeant: “Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find your truck.”



WHY...??
Does this sound like soooooo many guys....!!!!!!!
I know it a joke and suppose to be funny, but I also know a few guys that fit this perfectly.

Love,
Liz



Offline vinney

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Reply #3197 on: June 15, 2016, 09:29:08 PM

Australian Missing Person
Australian husband to Australian police sergeant: “Sergeant, my wife is missing. She went shopping and hasn’t come home.”

Sergeant: “What’s her height?”

“Gee, not sure, a little over 5 feet.”

“Weight?”

“Not slim, not really fat.”

“Eye colour?”

“Brown, I think, not sure, never really noticed.”

“Hair colour?”

“Changes a couple of times a year… maybe brown.”

“What was she wearing?”

“Could have been pants… don’t know to be certain.”

“What kind of car was she in?”

“She went in my truck.”

“What kind of truck?”

“A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered, with manual transmission and climate-controlled-air-conditioning. Custom leather six-way seats and Bubba floor mats. Full GPS navigation, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting…”

At this point the husband starts choking up.

Sergeant: “Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find your truck.”



WHY...??
Does this sound like soooooo many guys....!!!!!!!
I know it a joke and suppose to be funny, but I also know a few guys that fit this perfectly.

Love,
Liz


Names...?
 :emot_laughing:

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #3198 on: June 15, 2016, 11:20:58 PM
Liz is one to talk. She feels the same way about her horses. So don't "borrow" one, Vinney. ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline Elizabeth

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Reply #3199 on: June 16, 2016, 01:24:40 AM
Liz is one to talk. She feels the same way about her horses. So don't "borrow" one, Vinney. ;-)

Huggssss GG......
While I slowly twist your nuts off.....
Whispering......"BITE ME"....in your ear.
 :emot_laughing:
Love ya....
Liz