Joke of the Day

[anvil]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

The iTit considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them…

[Katiebee]

Anvil, I need a wet squirrel with which to whop you upside the head for that joke.

 

[vinney]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 260 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a step-ladder behind the camel, the Captain climbs up, pulls his pants down and has a wild and insane time with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

Very embarrassed, the Sergeant replies, "No, not really sir!"

"They usually just ride the camel into town where all the girls are."

[vinney]

[vinney]

[vinney]

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

[vinney]

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me.

[anvil]

An American solider, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intensive action on the German front lines.  He finally
got a train which was very crowded and walking for a long distance
finally found a seat.  However, the seat was occupied by a dog which
belonged to a very well dressed woman.  The weary warrior asked, may I
have this seat?


The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,
You Americans!  You are such a rude class of people, can't you see my
little Fife is using this seat?


The soldier walked down the isle, found no seat and turned around.  Again he found the same dog setting in  the seat empty and asked the
same English woman, I am  very very tired, may I please sit there?


The English woman wrinkled her nose  and snorted, "Not only are you
rude, you are also arrogant! Imagine!


The soldier did not say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the
little dog and tossed it out the window.


The woman shrieked and demanded  that someone chastise the solider.


An English Gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up.  You  Americans
do seem  have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the
folk in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the
road, And now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

[GEMINIGUY]

Not to ruin the funniness of the joke, but the Brits were at war with the Germans too, they could show some damn appreciation for the soldier's efforts.

[vinney]

A Husband and Wife, both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them.
Mr. Brown, who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold.
The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value.
So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.
The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:
Reporter: Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown: Oh! Yes.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs. Brown: Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter: Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter: Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown: I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter: Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter: How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown: Just for about ten months.
Reporter: Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown: Quite so...
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown: Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter: At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown: Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter: Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown: You bet...........and how he perspires.
Reporter: Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown: He thought he was...
Reporter: How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown: I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.
Reporter: Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown: No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, I work under him...
Reporter: When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown: I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter: Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).
P.S.: The reporter has to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

[msslave]

                A young  ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.  With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?  What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!  You and your kind continue to  perpetuate discrimination against not  only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
 
 
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this!  I'm  talking to that little shit on your lap."

[AB-2007]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[vinney]

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said. He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"

[GEMINIGUY]

Heehee That almost sounds like when Bill Cosby's wife gave birth to a daughter on two different pregnancies, and he described what each daughter "said" upon being born. ;-) lol

[vinney]

Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some."
Susie Jane said, "Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter."
Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, "Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents."
Susie Jane said, "Ain't no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter."
Bobby Ray said, "I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?"
Susie Jane said, "You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won't stop when I say you got ten cents worth.
Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth."
So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it.
After about a minute, Susie Jane said, "Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY" and he said, "Oh Susie Jane, now don't tell me I have got ten cents worth already", and she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said,
"Uhuh." And she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?" Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh."
Susie May said, "BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I'm a fixin to loan you fifteen cents".

[vinney]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[GEMINIGUY]

Heard this on Law & Order on Monday:

Women want one man to take care of all of their needs. Men want many women to take care of their one need.

[msslave]

BIOLOGY EXAM: 

 

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.   The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.   The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.However, he wrote:




1) It is perfect formula for the child.

 

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

 

3) It is always the right temperature.

 

4) It is inexpensive.

 

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

 6) It is always available as needed. 

  And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test,

  he wrote:  7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[aaron23062]

My cat has been contracted by a famous publishing house to write his autobiography. It's the first volume in a nine book series.

[aaron23062]

Just one more....

I heard on the radio the May is National Masturbation Month. A fellow at work informed me this week was Do-It-Yourself Week.

Wow. Talk about adding insult to injury.