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TinyDancer

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Reply #2740 on: December 01, 2014, 03:28:39 PM
Sex Advice From A Friend

Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.

The white guy says, "My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night".

The black guy says "I can't get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?"

The white guy says, "I read her poetry every night."

His black friend then asks, "What kind of poetry?"

The white guy replies, "Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you." Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it - it's a sure thing!

The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.

The white man asks, "What happened?!"

The black man says, "Man, don't ever speak to me again!"

The curious white man asks, "Well, what did you say to her?"

The black man replies, 'Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!"


Offline msslave

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Reply #2741 on: December 01, 2014, 10:00:40 PM
I guess some things don't translate well between the races. :emot_laughing:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2742 on: December 01, 2014, 10:21:54 PM
I'd blame it more on stupidity and having the wrong attitude about women. :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline Hoss

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Reply #2743 on: December 02, 2014, 02:56:24 AM
JUST A FEW QUERIES REQUIRING DETERMINATION.....
 
Q: WHAT IS AN  AUSTRALIAN KISS?
 A: It's the same as a  French kiss, but 'Down Under.'
 
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH  365 USED CONDOMS?
 A: Melt them down, make a  tyre, and call it a Goodyear.
 
Q: WHY WERE CYCLONES  NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
 A: Because when they come,  they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house  and car with them.
 
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB  THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
 A: Because they don't have  any balls to scratch...
 
 
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
 A: Running into a wall with  an erection and breaking his nose.
 
 
  ..AND AS A BONUS....A 3-year-old boy examined  his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my  brains?'
 'Not yet,' she  replied.
 
 

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...

Offline Hoss

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Reply #2744 on: December 02, 2014, 02:59:38 AM
..and on the off chance that there are any Golfers among you....

#10 Golfer: "Think  I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
    Caddy: "Think you  can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven  and earth to break 100 on this course."
    Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
 
#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
    Caddy: "Yes , you miss the ball much closer now."
     
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
    Caddy: "Eventually."
     
#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
    Caddy: "I don't think so . That would be too much of a coincidence."
     
#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction"
    Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
   
#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
    Caddy: "Very good , but personally, I prefer golf."
   
#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
    Caddy: "The way you play,  it's a sin on any day."
   
#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
    Caddy: "This isn't the golf course.  We left that an hour ago."
     
#1 Best Caddy Comment:
    Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.."
   
And the old favorite..... The Golfer has been slicing off the tee at every hole.
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems. 
The caddy replies: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club ".
The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end!"

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...

Offline Hoss

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Reply #2745 on: December 02, 2014, 03:02:34 AM
  Following a hunting accident at the start of the "duck" season, a hunter had occasion to visit his doctor...following is the dialogue from the visit.
 
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to mainly  your groin ;  there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
 
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
 
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
 
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
 
"Not exactly," answered the doctor.  "She's a flute player in the Carlisle Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
 :emot_laughing:

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...

Offline Hoss

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Reply #2746 on: December 02, 2014, 03:25:03 AM


The football coach noticed that Bubba, his star player, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. 
 
So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the top of the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em for hours!"

The coach went home early the next day.  He entered the bedroom and heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and began to bang his erect member on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and yelled, "That you Bubba?" 

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2747 on: December 02, 2014, 03:53:02 AM
Great jokes, Hoss! Is that Bubba Skinner from In The Heat Of The Night in that last joke? He was a football player... ;-)

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Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

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Reply #2748 on: December 02, 2014, 05:48:35 AM

Weirdly, and I thought i've been around so long I've heard them all... weirdly, that one made me actually laugh out loud. At work. So then I had to explain why...

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TinyDancer

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Reply #2749 on: December 03, 2014, 03:15:28 PM
COWBOY WEDDING
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married.  After the
wedding they left for their honeymoon.  While driving down the road,
the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!" 
She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" 
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel.  The couple washed up and started
to get ready for bed.  When they got in the bed, they started to explore
each others body.  The bride discovers her husbands penis.

"What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks
"They're my knots," he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love.  After several minutes the bride
says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! 
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope.



Offline msslave

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Reply #2750 on: December 03, 2014, 04:39:30 PM
 :emot_laughing: And then he went soft.

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline Elizabeth

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Reply #2751 on: December 03, 2014, 11:09:47 PM
And thats how the fight started....... :emot_laughing:

Love,
Liz


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Reply #2752 on: December 03, 2014, 11:36:24 PM
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.

 After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’

one of the originals

Offline vinney

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Reply #2753 on: December 03, 2014, 11:39:19 PM
As Liz would say EEEEWWWWWW.... or something like that...

I wonder how many students were really observant...? Leaves a bit of a taste in your mouth doesn't it...?

Good joke though...

vinney

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Offline Elizabeth

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Reply #2754 on: December 04, 2014, 12:24:46 AM
Quote from: vinney on December 03, 2014, 11:39:19 PM
As Liz would say EEEEWWWWWW.... or something like that...

I wonder how many students were really observant...? Leaves a bit of a taste in your mouth doesn't it...?

Good joke though...

vinney

LOL....yeah, a very bad taste.!!!

Love,
Liz


TinyDancer

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Reply #2755 on: December 05, 2014, 04:25:20 PM
50's Date

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"


Offline msslave

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Reply #2756 on: December 05, 2014, 04:59:56 PM
Yes the 50s.  The generation gap was never wider than back then. 

Good one TD! :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2757 on: December 05, 2014, 06:14:43 PM
Dad could have said she like to twerk... ;-)

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Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

TinyDancer

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Reply #2758 on: December 08, 2014, 12:34:32 PM
FREDDIE, GIANNI AND DIANA
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Lady Di arrive at the Pearly gates.

St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to
put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says "I  know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes
along the way, but i've made some of the most beautiful music in the world.
I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs,
making heaven a far happier place to be".

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely
redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys.
As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven
a much happier place".

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"

Diana doesn't say a word. Instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers,
inserts a full bottle of evian water into her fanny, lets the water shoot up inside
her and then gushes out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter.

"Hold on a fucking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything".

"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2759 on: December 08, 2014, 09:03:34 PM
That gave me a chuckle that will not stop, heehee Thanks!

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

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