Joke of the Day

[Katiebee]

The time is the early 1800's and a young highlander from the 42nd regiment is walking home on leave. It is a long walk and he feels tired, so he steps off the road and lays down for a short nap under a tree. He soon is fast asleep.

Not long afterwards a young lowlands girl comes along the road and spots the highlander fast asleep under the tree. Thrilled by the handsome highlander, and being a curious lowland girl she wonders what it is beneath his kilt. She goes to him, looks up and down the road, and seeing no one there, she lifts up his kilt.

She is thrilled by what she finds, and with a mischievous smile, takes a blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around his cock. Then, readjusting his kilt properly, and cheerfully goes on her way.

Sometime later the young highlander wakes, stretches, and decides to empty his bladder before continuing on his way. He steps behind some bushes and lifts his kilt. He stands there bewildered looking at the blue ribbon around his cock.

"Well," he says, "I dinna ken where ye've been, nor what ye did, but ye took first place!"

[staci]

            The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into an ice cream store and sat down for a sundae.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe"  and took off running circles around Silver. 

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the ice cream store to finish his sundae.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

(...I JUST LOVE THIS PART...)

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

[Well Behaved Lady]

I read that like I'd never seen it before and then remembered it on the punch line good one Staci 

[joe_and_michelle]

The Creation Of Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
 
First was a carpenter, strong and bold,
using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Second was a butcher, endowed with wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Then came a tailor, tall and thin,
with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
using a piece of fur, he lined it without.

Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell,
he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.

Last came a sailor, he was a dirty little runt,
he fucked it and sucked it and called it a cunt.

[GEMINIGUY]

lol WOO!

[vinney]

How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys

But worst of all...

the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

[vinney]

 HOW TO START A FIGHT and maybe make you smile...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a
drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair
of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute,
and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

[TinyDancer]

Kneasels

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “Ewww - what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?”

“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.

“You mean polio?” she asked.

“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

“What’s wrong with your knees?” She asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!”

“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.

“You mean measles?” she asked.

“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

“Don’t tell me,” she said. “Let me guess.. Smallcox?”

[TinyDancer]

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.

The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

[msslave]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[GEMINIGUY]

Heehee You are BAD! lol

[TinyDancer]

American Beer

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

“Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small,” he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer,” he replies quite bemused.

“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow.”

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doctor.

“Oh no, Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the wife on American beer!”

[GEMINIGUY]

OUCH!!! ;-) lol He should still drink the Guinness... ;-)

[TinyDancer]

You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
 He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding.'

[msslave]

"I'm just kidding."

Another phrase that can be added to, "famous last words".

[anvil]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
 

LOL!
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the
Afghan conflict.

      She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
      She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
   
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

    The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes,
and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
      Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go ):

      BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
 
 

this is compliments of the good lady who sends me the nostalgia stuff. thanks Gabby

[TinyDancer]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My private part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Wallace, 'I told you yesterday that my private part died.'

'Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?

'Well, he replied, 'Today's the viewing.'

[vinney]

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over..

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

[GEMINIGUY]

Talk about memory loss...

[staci]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the  flow that
has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
 
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. 
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
 
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.