KRISTEN'S BOARD
Congratulations to 2024 Pervert of the Year Shiela_M and 2024 Author of the Year Writers Bloque!

smugdingus · **Reply #2380 on:** April 05, 2014, 07:03:12 PM

A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking
down the street dragging a flattened frog on
a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill
repute and knocked on the door. When the
Madam answered it, she saw the little boy
and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the
women inside. I have the money to buy it,
and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told
him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick
any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any
diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking
about having to get shots after making love
with Amber- THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had
the money to pay for it, the Madam told him
to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the
squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later
he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did
you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
Instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when
I get home, my parents are going out to a
restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter
will have sex with me because she just happens
to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then
get the disease that I just caught. When Mom
and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter
home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car
and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets
home from the babysitter's, he and Mom will
go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the
Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie
with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son of a bitch who ran over my FROG!'

msslave · **Reply #2381 on:** April 05, 2014, 08:55:06 PM

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2382 on:** April 06, 2014, 03:25:48 AM

Hey, a blind policeman is better than no policeman. lol

vinney · **Reply #2383 on:** April 06, 2014, 12:40:59 PM

At the end of the tax year, the HMRC sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said: “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

msslave · **Reply #2384 on:** April 06, 2014, 01:03:18 PM

Oldie but goodie, Vinney. I still love it.

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2385 on:** April 06, 2014, 09:39:18 PM

I agree, Vinney, that was hilarious!

Well Behaved Lady · **Reply #2386 on:** April 06, 2014, 11:27:50 PM

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

staci · **Reply #2387 on:** April 07, 2014, 02:54:51 AM

Husband’s Message (by cellphone):

Honey, a car hit me outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.

They're taking tests and also X-rays

The Dr. said the blow to my head was very hard, fortunately it did not cause any death threating injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife’s Response:

Who is Paula?

msslave · **Reply #2388 on:** April 09, 2014, 12:13:57 PM

Joke deleted, because it simply sucked...even for this board. And, adding a member's name took it even lower. If you didn't see it, you didn't miss anything. For those who read it, my apologies.

There's no excuse. My bad judgement was a result of a night of joy, preparing for a colonscopy and guzzling down two liters of a very effective laxative. Some of my brains may have been evacuated too, as many times I have my head up my ass. No, they didn't find it during the colonoscopy.

Elizabeth · **Reply #2389 on:** April 09, 2014, 03:31:54 PM

Quote from: msslave on April 09, 2014, 12:13:57 PM

Janus approaches a woman standing on the railing of the bridge. What are you doing ? She replies, "I have nothing to live for.....". The man asks... "lets have sex before you jump". Forelorn woman yells "You are a pervert.... I want nothing to do with you!"
Homeless man replies.... "suit yourself, I'll just wait for you down below".

EEEEEWWWWWWWW.........
Love,
Liz

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2390 on:** April 09, 2014, 08:49:55 PM

I have to agree with Liz. Even that would be below Janus' "standards".

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2391 on:** April 11, 2014, 12:09:06 AM

A retired man owned his home with hardwood flooring in ever room.

Every once in a while his wife decides to get on her hands on knees to scrub the floors by hand.

As the day wears on, the wife finally reaches the living room where the husband is watching the news.

Rising from his favorite chair he says "I can't bare to see you work so hard. I'm going to a movie."

msslave · **Reply #2392 on:** April 13, 2014, 12:08:16 AM

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She
seemed
a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of
the
dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes!
I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all
men...are men!

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2393 on:** April 13, 2014, 12:50:26 AM

A husband is sitting in his favorite chair, lighting his pipe. His wife is reading the newspaper with a perplexed look on her face.
"Strange..."
"What is, dear?" Asks the husband.
"They have a new book on Marital Happiness listed under Science Fiction."

msslave · **Reply #2394 on:** April 13, 2014, 01:08:43 PM

AT LAST !---BLONDE MAN JOKES

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and
I've just wet mine."
------------------------------------

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

------------------------------------

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND. "
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------------------------------

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------

vinney · **Reply #2395 on:** April 13, 2014, 11:50:33 PM

vinney

msslave · **Reply #2396 on:** April 14, 2014, 04:12:50 PM

Thanks Vinney. You blond? Just wondering.

vinney · **Reply #2397 on:** April 14, 2014, 04:46:03 PM

Quote from: msslave on April 14, 2014, 04:12:50 PM

Thanks Vinney. You blond? Just wondering.

Used to be... now it's silverish... and that's just my hair...!!

vinney

msslave · **Reply #2398 on:** April 14, 2014, 05:16:17 PM

TheciaMarie · **Reply #2399 on:** April 14, 2014, 07:53:57 PM

BY-THE-WAY ..........

Women Make Better Assassins....

The CIA recently had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!"...

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said, "I had to kill him with the chair!"

Joke of the Day