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Offline msslave

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Reply #2360 on: March 20, 2014, 04:56:51 PM
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

 
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.  I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food
every day, and keep you happy."

 
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

 
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

 
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

 
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain, during a routine inspection.

 
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

 
"I see," the captain says.

 
Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

 
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline BORIS

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Reply #2361 on: March 21, 2014, 12:56:35 PM
Old but still funny!

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls.

Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Green Lantern to see if wanted to grab a couple of beers. Green Lantern told him he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder woman's apartment to see If she was free.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.

Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said "Did you hear anything?"

"NO"! said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"


Try everything at least once, twice just to make sure! Sorry I havent been around for a while guys, hoping to make up for lost time!! Love you all!


Offline msslave

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Reply #2362 on: March 24, 2014, 10:10:29 PM
And, men wonder why the have so much trouble understanding women.

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Betty.

* Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?"
The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Janus

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Reply #2363 on: March 24, 2014, 11:57:06 PM
I woo'd ya slave but my phone messed up in the middle of it. Lol



Offline Well Behaved Lady

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Reply #2364 on: March 25, 2014, 01:04:53 AM
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."



Offline msslave

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Reply #2365 on: March 25, 2014, 12:59:14 PM
 :emot_laughing:  Thanks for an early morning laugh, WBL.  When will men ever learn the woman alway comes out on top.

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline redhatlover

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Reply #2366 on: March 25, 2014, 02:36:51 PM
Doctors warn against erections lasting over four hours.  Hell, I had one that lasted four years.  It was called puberty.

I am like Charlie the Tuna.  I don't want women with good taste, I want women who taste good.


Offline msslave

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Reply #2367 on: March 27, 2014, 12:01:22 AM
Morris is on his deathbed, ...surrounded by his wife and children,
he knows the end is near.
So he says: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Ruth, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse happens to overhear this, and is just blown away.
 She says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been a very hardworking man to have accumulated all this property."


Ruth replies, "Property?.......
This asshole has a paper route!"

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline BORIS

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Reply #2368 on: March 27, 2014, 05:51:38 PM
If you had to choose between FIFA 14 and your girlfriend, what team would you start as?

Try everything at least once, twice just to make sure! Sorry I havent been around for a while guys, hoping to make up for lost time!! Love you all!


Offline BORIS

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Reply #2369 on: March 28, 2014, 03:37:48 PM
I was pulling my boxers off prior to getting into bed the other night, my wife says you spoil those dogs!

Try everything at least once, twice just to make sure! Sorry I havent been around for a while guys, hoping to make up for lost time!! Love you all!


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2370 on: March 28, 2014, 05:06:01 PM
SPELLS HARRY POTTER ONLY DOES WHEN HIS FRIENDS AREN'T AROUND

"Erectus Manicus!"
-poof-
"All right!"

LATER...

"Erectus Blackmanicus!"
-poof-
"WOW!!!"

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline msslave

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Reply #2371 on: March 28, 2014, 10:32:53 PM
I had to look up "paraprosdokian".  Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
So now enjoy!
1.  Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on my list.
3.  Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4.  Well, if I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8.  Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
16. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
17. You do not need a parachute to sky dive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  26. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
  27. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline Elizabeth

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Reply #2372 on: March 28, 2014, 10:38:07 PM
I had to look up "paraprosdokian".  Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
So now enjoy!
1.  Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on my list.
3.  Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4.  Well, if I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8.  Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
16. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
17. You do not need a parachute to sky dive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  26. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
  27. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.



I love It..so many of these I could use in day to day living.
 :D
Love,
Liz



Janus

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Reply #2373 on: March 29, 2014, 01:19:55 AM
I love It..so many of these I could use in day to day living.
 :D
Love,
Liz


Totally agree....They are perfect.



Offline vinney

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Reply #2374 on: March 29, 2014, 12:38:18 PM
Splinters in Her Crotch!

A woman who was a tree hugging greenie purchased a piece of forest near Collie, WA .

There was a large tree in one of the highest parts of her forest. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the local casualty department to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He looked at her and said:

"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Department of Land, Water and Biodiversity Conservation before I could remove some old-growth timber from a recreational area adjacent to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Christine Milne and her Green Party policies, they turned me down!"
 

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline Rockhard

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Reply #2375 on: March 30, 2014, 04:25:19 AM
Omg so fucking funny thanks for the laugh

Hope u love the rock


Offline vinney

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Reply #2376 on: April 01, 2014, 12:30:40 AM

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline msslave

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Reply #2377 on: April 01, 2014, 01:43:45 PM

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline msslave

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Reply #2378 on: April 01, 2014, 01:44:27 PM
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is that one word or two?"

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline msslave

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Reply #2379 on: April 05, 2014, 02:09:38 PM
Guy is driving down a back road and sees a car parked on the shoulder.
He stops and sees a guy and a girl in the car.
So he yells over "out of gas?", guy says "no"
He yells over "engine trouble?" guy says "no".
He yells over "tire down? Guys say "didn't have to"

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville