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TinyDancer

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Reply #2300 on: February 27, 2014, 09:05:46 PM
Those were two really good ones, had me laughing that's for sure. 


TinyDancer

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Reply #2301 on: February 27, 2014, 09:12:20 PM
Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

 The husband yells, When you die, I´m getting you a headstone that reads, ´Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever´.

 Yeah she replies, When you die, I´m getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.´


Offline msslave

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Reply #2302 on: February 28, 2014, 01:34:04 PM
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking around with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking around with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

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Offline Hoss

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Reply #2303 on: March 03, 2014, 11:04:47 PM
..one to start the day - sage advice for world travellers.... :emot_laughing:

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.

Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
 
 
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
 
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
 
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
 
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
 
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
 
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...

Offline msslave

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Reply #2304 on: March 03, 2014, 11:12:55 PM
Thanks Hoss.  Great example of something being lost in translation.

Several years ago in Mexico, we heard of a couple with a child who got sick. They took him to the local hospital.  They asked about getting the child "a shot".  The staff got very agitated....they were thinking they wanted the kid shot!

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Offline msslave

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Reply #2305 on: March 04, 2014, 07:11:35 PM
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing  frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank  of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

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Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2306 on: March 05, 2014, 07:12:07 AM
Either she needs to get with the times or he's just too frickin' old to be acting that way. ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

TinyDancer

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Reply #2307 on: March 07, 2014, 12:49:34 PM
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still today, I am waiting for you upstairs."


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2308 on: March 07, 2014, 04:22:26 PM
I'm letting that joke speak for itself. ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline msslave

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Reply #2309 on: March 07, 2014, 08:14:17 PM
There is a new grass roots movement to find a settlement to the Ukraine situation.  If the Crimeans vote to secede and join with Russia, it's proposed that they use the major river in the area as a new boundary.

We're all familiar with that river of course.  It's the Crimea River.  :emot_laughing:

What, no one's laughing.  Oh, wait, you have to read this one out loud.  Now I know why I can't make it as a stand-up comic on line.

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Offline Katiebee

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Reply #2310 on: March 07, 2014, 09:21:25 PM
::: rimshot :::

On your knees with your butt in the air.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Offline redhatlover

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Reply #2311 on: March 07, 2014, 10:13:07 PM
That was bad!  The pun police will get you for that!

I am like Charlie the Tuna.  I don't want women with good taste, I want women who taste good.

Offline anvil

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Reply #2312 on: March 08, 2014, 07:29:48 PM
A blonde flying with a pilot who has a heart attack and dies...

She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

I don't know how to fly. Help me! Oh my God, Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is the Oakland Center. I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this.".

'Now, just take a deep breath.Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....

"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

Deus subrisum stultusi et ferrari

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2313 on: March 08, 2014, 09:23:00 PM
Ouch. A political joke, heehee ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline anvil

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Reply #2314 on: March 08, 2014, 10:30:08 PM
:)  yea, wasn't sure if I shoyld put it here or in politics, but I got a good chuckle out od it.

Deus subrisum stultusi et ferrari

Offline Katiebee

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Reply #2315 on: March 08, 2014, 10:34:27 PM
Quote from: Geminiguy on March 08, 2014, 09:23:00 PM
Ouch. A political joke, heehee ;-)
Was that joke over your heads?

It was a BLONDE joke.

He asked for her height and position - altitude and geographic location.

Yeeesh, do I have to explain ALL. The jokes for you two?

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Offline Elizabeth

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Reply #2316 on: March 08, 2014, 11:30:38 PM
Quote from: Katiebee on March 08, 2014, 10:34:27 PM
Quote from: Geminiguy on March 08, 2014, 09:23:00 PM
Ouch. A political joke, heehee ;-)
Was that joke over your heads?

It was a BLONDE joke.

He asked for her height and position - altitude and geographic location.

Yeeesh, do I have to explain ALL. The jokes for you two?

What's worse than a blonde woman?.....a blonde man.!!
Love,
Liz



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2317 on: March 09, 2014, 12:34:51 AM
The joke was because she supported Obama she didn't deserve to live.

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline Katiebee

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Reply #2318 on: March 09, 2014, 05:00:58 AM
The joke was she didn't give her altitude and location. He couldn't help her G if she couldn't tell him either of those things.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Offline anvil

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Reply #2319 on: March 09, 2014, 05:15:09 AM
great analasys,,

now lets try this one:  why did the chiken cross the road?

Deus subrisum stultusi et ferrari

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