KRISTEN'S BOARD
Congratulations to 2024 Pervert of the Year Shiela_M and 2024 Author of the Year Writers Bloque!

azuroge · **Reply #2200 on:** February 10, 2014, 05:27:17 PM

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'".

azuroge · **Reply #2201 on:** February 10, 2014, 05:27:56 PM

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended
with “tor” and that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,
"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“Well, my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

azuroge · **Reply #2202 on:** February 10, 2014, 05:28:21 PM

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

azuroge · **Reply #2203 on:** February 10, 2014, 05:28:56 PM

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years

mikebray38london · **Reply #2204 on:** February 10, 2014, 05:29:33 PM

Bill and Tom were lifelong members of Alcoholics Anonymous and best friends. One night over coffee after a meeting they came to an agreement that whoever passed away first would find a way to get a messege to the other about if there is A.A. meetings in heaven.

A few years goes by and one day Tom passes away from a heart attack in his later years. A few weeks goes by and Bill is walking down the street sad and mourning Tom's passing. Suddenly Bill hears a Voice... 'Bill....Bill....it's Tom...look up"

Bill looks towards the heavens and says "OMG Tom how is heaven?" Tom replies back, "Heaven is beautiful, I have met Jesus and God, and the angels up here are beautiful, but I have good news and bad news."

Bill replies "Well give me the good news first!", "Well Bill, says Tom, The good news is there are awesome A.A. Meetings up here and they are around the clock and so many sober people up here" "Well give me the bad news then" says Bill.

"Well Bill, replies Tom, The bad news is you're chairing tomorrow night"

Elizabeth · **Reply #2205 on:** February 10, 2014, 05:33:01 PM

Quote from: azuroge on February 10, 2014, 05:28:56 PM

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years

I love this joke...It's great
Love,
Liz

msslave · **Reply #2206 on:** February 10, 2014, 10:41:04 PM

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket, that you demanded that I hand over my wallet to you. Shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan ... She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ...... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat
(I guess while he traced your number etc.)
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex

msslave · **Reply #2207 on:** February 10, 2014, 10:44:46 PM

The doctor had just finished giving a man his annual checkup. He asked the man, "Is there anything else you want to discuss?"

"Yes, doctor. I want to see about getting a vasecotomy."

"Well, that's a big decision, said the doctor. Don't you think you should discuss it with your family?"

"We already did, replied the man. The vote was 15 to 2 in favor."

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2208 on:** February 10, 2014, 11:13:53 PM

Great jokes! Loved the married to Satan's sister one the best.
The one about Social Security, the wife had actually said he'd have gotten Disability too if he dropped his pants, lol

Hoss · **Reply #2209 on:** February 11, 2014, 12:07:33 AM

One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a well hung guy runs by wearing
nothing but a bag over his head.
As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.”

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.”

He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says,

"He's not even a member of this golf club."

Hoss · **Reply #2210 on:** February 11, 2014, 12:09:03 AM

A man walks into an adult shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife, to try and spice it up a bit.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $250 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opted for the sheerest item, pays the $250 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and then come down and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing, then she thought "…..I won't put it on - I'll just do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a $250 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs, calling out to her husband and strikes a pose.

The husband says "…Oh my God, it wasn't all creased like that in the shop'.

His funeral is next Thursday.

Hoss · **Reply #2211 on:** February 11, 2014, 12:10:59 AM

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, my mates' bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yeah, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell Eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street ...'

licksnkissez · **Reply #2212 on:** February 11, 2014, 01:01:55 AM

Quote from: azuroge on February 10, 2014, 05:26:33 PM

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants"

I remember that joke. You left out the punch line:

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.""

Hoss · **Reply #2213 on:** February 11, 2014, 01:08:43 AM

Quote from: licksnkissez on February 11, 2014, 01:01:55 AM

Quote from: azuroge on February 10, 2014, 05:26:33 PM
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants"

I remember that joke. You left out the punch line:

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.""

Thanks "licks"...typo error...would hate to have people think my mind was wandering...!!

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2214 on:** February 11, 2014, 02:16:45 AM

lol You were a little late Licks. I pointed out the partial punchline earlier.

Katiebee · **Reply #2215 on:** February 11, 2014, 04:47:02 AM

yes, a funny apocryphal joke.

Until you realize that the combat marine committed assault with a deadly weapon, theft with a firearm, five counts of credit card fraud, vandalism, two counts of felony threats to a law enforcement officer, a federal felony threatening the POTUS, and possibly was illegally carrying a concealed weapon.

Charitably that's one misdemeanor offense and 11 felonies, one of which is a federal felony.

Since he is a Marine, and they are notoriously hard on those who break the code, he possibly would also face up to 12 years hard time in the brig on top of all that.

Uncharitably, I label this a massive neo-conservative "I wish I was a bad ass" story.

Quote from: msslave on February 10, 2014, 10:41:04 PM

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket, that you demanded that I hand over my wallet to you. Shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan ... She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ...... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat
(I guess while he traced your number etc.)
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex

msslave · **Reply #2216 on:** February 11, 2014, 12:40:34 PM

This morning, my wife told me she'd had a dream that I'd given her a diamond necklace for Valentines day. She wanted to know what that meant.

I gave her a smile and said, "We'll just have to wait until Friday."

Wrapping the small package, I can't wait to see the expression on her face when she opens it. Had to go to three bookstores before I found a copy of "What Dreams Mean".

Katiebee · **Reply #2217 on:** February 11, 2014, 03:51:02 PM

He's gonna die...

Elizabeth · **Reply #2218 on:** February 11, 2014, 04:00:03 PM

Quote from: Katiebee on February 11, 2014, 03:51:02 PM

He's gonna die...

LOL....Most likely in the most horrible manner she can think of.
Or as the adage goes:
"What did you get me for Valentines?".
"Close your eyes and what do you see?".
"Nothing".
Question Answered......
Love,
Liz

Lippy · **Reply #2219 on:** February 11, 2014, 04:13:11 PM

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.

"How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" he added.

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman replied, "Okay," and off they went.

As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

Joke of the Day