KRISTEN'S BOARD
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azuroge · **Reply #2120 on:** February 05, 2014, 07:35:38 AM

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

azuroge · **Reply #2121 on:** February 05, 2014, 09:34:39 AM

A rather well proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight.

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2122 on:** February 05, 2014, 10:02:56 AM

lol Azuroge, you tell some of the most hilarious jokes.

azuroge · **Reply #2123 on:** February 05, 2014, 10:06:49 AM

Quote from: Geminiguy on February 05, 2014, 10:02:56 AM

lol Azuroge, you tell some of the most hilarious jokes.

i aim to please

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2124 on:** February 05, 2014, 10:47:26 AM

Three people walk into a bar: Azuroge, Vinney and Toe.
I forgot the rest.

TinyDancer · **Reply #2125 on:** February 05, 2014, 11:13:26 AM

Great way to start off the day Azuroge, thanks for posting.

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2126 on:** February 05, 2014, 11:37:59 AM

Azuroge, Vinney and Toe walk into a bar. TinyDancer is the bartender.
I still forget the rest...

vinney · **Reply #2127 on:** February 05, 2014, 01:25:45 PM

Quote from: Geminiguy on February 05, 2014, 11:37:59 AM

Azuroge, Vinney and Toe walk into a bar. TinyDancer is the bartender.
I still forget the rest...

Try harder GG... my memory must be slipping...

vinney

azuroge · **Reply #2128 on:** February 05, 2014, 01:50:40 PM

Since GG wants a bar joke...

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.
''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"
''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''
''Damn, that really is a drag!''
''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''
''That would sure mess up my day."
''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''

azuroge · **Reply #2129 on:** February 05, 2014, 01:57:27 PM

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?", she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over", replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2130 on:** February 05, 2014, 02:09:37 PM

Husband's say the darnest things!

TinyDancer · **Reply #2131 on:** February 05, 2014, 02:56:05 PM

A man in a supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

A very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask
his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some
asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Canada , sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada ."

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Elizabeth · **Reply #2132 on:** February 05, 2014, 04:00:03 PM

Quote from: Geminiguy on February 05, 2014, 11:37:59 AM

Azuroge, Vinney and Toe walk into a bar. TinyDancer is the bartender.
I still forget the rest...

Azuroge, Vinney and Toe walk into a bar. TinyDancer is the bartender.
Liz walks into the bar, sits at the far end and starts to make out with TinyDancer.
I forget the rest.............

azuroge · **Reply #2133 on:** February 05, 2014, 06:39:36 PM

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

azuroge · **Reply #2134 on:** February 05, 2014, 06:40:23 PM

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

azuroge · **Reply #2135 on:** February 05, 2014, 06:42:00 PM

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny” speech.
At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was eight, you
Hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech. If you're going to tell me that
Grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

msslave · **Reply #2136 on:** February 05, 2014, 10:25:16 PM

Wisdom From the Farm

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

1, Internal Revenue "Service".

2, U.S. Postal "Service".

3, Telephone "Service".

4, Cable T.V. "Service".

5, Civil "Service".

6, State, City, County & Public "Service".

7, Customer "Service".

This is not what I thought "Service" meant

But today, I overheard two 2 farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus.

"Now I understand what all those agencies are doing".

I hope that YOU are now just as enlightened as I am.

msslave · **Reply #2137 on:** February 05, 2014, 10:30:09 PM

My wife had that look in her eye this morning. I knew she was going to try to start something.

Hands on her hips, she glared at me and said, "What ya doin' today"?

"Nothing", I replied.

"Nothing", she roared, "You did that yesterday"!

I calmly went back to my paper as I replied, "I'm not finished".

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2138 on:** February 06, 2014, 03:08:04 AM

lol Great, Msslave and Azuroge! And WOO to Liz's warped sense of humor.

...I won't tell anyone what Azuroge, Vinney and Toe did to Liz in the bar... ;-)

Katiebee · **Reply #2139 on:** February 06, 2014, 04:15:55 AM

I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.

When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.

Joke of the Day

TinyDancer

TinyDancer