Joke of the Day

[TheciaMarie]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a

Husband and blonde wife in

Dublin were listening to the radio during

Breakfast. They heard the

Announcer say, "We are going to have 8

To 10 inches of snow today. You

Must park your car on the

Even-numbered side of the street, so  the

Snow plows can get

Through. "So the good wife went out and moved her

Car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the

Snow plows can get through. The good wife

Went out and moved her car again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the

Radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was

Very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't

Know what to do. Which side of the street do

I need to park on so the

Snow plows can get through?"

 

Then with the love and  understanding in his voice that all

Men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

 

"Why don't you just leave the car

In the garage this

Time."

 

I didn't see it coming either

[GEMINIGUY]

Neither did i. Can you imagine if she wasn't married and had no one to tell her?

[Well Behaved Lady]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[TheciaMarie]

From my friend Dallas

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
 
Stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
 
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading SEX. for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

[watcher1]

In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18, they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.
 
As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the center dancer, release them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.
 
This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity .... the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that, folks, is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok!

(I tried to check this out on snopes and they said I was a pervert!)

[TheciaMarie]

Weather Conditions --- Just got off the phone with a friend who lives
> in North Dakota.
>
> She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
> high and is still falling. The temperature is 32 below zero and the
> north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59. Her
> husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
>
> She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken
> bastard in.

[Hoss]

Just a few "one-liners"....at least one will get a laugh  

I went out last night and got really drunk.  I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring, so I knew I made it home OK!
 
The wife wanted to make a sex movie, and is angry with me.  All I did was suggest we hold auditions for her part.
 
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. I should have taken them off.
 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
 
After both suffering from depression, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But, strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Bugger it, soldier on!”
 
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked as I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
 
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
 
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake."
 

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
 
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
 
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
 
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[Elizabeth]

Hope you like this....

Let's eat Grandma.
Let's eat, Grandma.

Comma's can save lives.!!!

Dedicated to Gia who unknowingly taught me so much, with out my ever knowing it.
And also who will never really know how much I care for and about her.
Love,
Liz

[joe_and_michelle]

Just heard the President is going to make a public announcement advising people not to eat yellow snow, for no other reason than to hear FOX news anchors saying how good yellow snow is.

[Well Behaved Lady]

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches, lord I almost died.
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong...
and knew that I could take you on
BUT THERE YOU ARE
Another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you brought me a French Fry,
I should have known that it was bullshit,
just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans,
Go on now go....walk out the door!
don't you promise me 10 inches and then give me only 4!
You are such a prat to think that I wouldn't find it out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
I will survive,
I will survive!
As long as I have all my batteries,
my sex life's gona thrive!
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex!
I will survive
I will survive!
HEY HEY!

[msslave]

Everybody sing along!!!!!!!!

[vinney]

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches, lord I almost died.
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong...
and knew that I could take you on
BUT THERE YOU ARE
Another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you brought me a French Fry,
I should have known that it was bullshit,
just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans,
Go on now go....walk out the door!
don't you promise me 10 inches and then give me only 4!
You are such a prat to think that I wouldn't find it out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
I will survive,
I will survive!
As long as I have all my batteries,
my sex life's gona thrive!
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex!
I will survive
I will survive!
HEY HEY!

Top marks... brilliant... and a woo...

vinney

[TinyDancer]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
 Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
 The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
 The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
 Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.
 "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
 "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

 The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete wall. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: Isn't there anything you want?"
 The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need."
 "Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
 Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

[vinney]

 

Didn't see that one coming... nice one TD...

vinney

[Drawoh]

Take the Male Sensitivity Test to determine if you know how to relate to women.

 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

 A. Lovemaking.
 B. Screwing.
 C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

 A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
 B. Your blood-test results.
 C. Five tequila slammers.


 3. You time your orgasm so that:

 A. Your partner climaxes first.
 B. You both climax simultaneously.
 C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.


 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

 A. Healthy, creative love-play.
 B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
 C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.


 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

 A. The best part of the experience.
 B. The second best part of the experience.
 C. $100 extra.


 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

 A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
 B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
 C. A conservative estimate.


 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

 A. A myth.
 B. An oxymoron.
 C. A moron.


 8. Foreplay is to sex as:

 A. An appetizer is to entree.
 B. Primer is to paint.
 C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


 9. Which of the following would you most likely say at the end of a relationship?

 A. "I hope we can still be friends."
 B. "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message at the beep."
 C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."


 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

 A. Needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
 B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
 C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

A Rolls off the Tongue Better
B Safety First
A It just Happens that way naturally
B She'd Have to Mop it first
B To be truthful but the wife says A
A it sounds better than 'More Cushion for the Pushin'
C I don't know why but they're mostly dicks anyway
A I like a big meal
D Better Luck Next Time
B Refer to answer for 9

[vinney]

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.
 

[Well Behaved Lady]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."

[GEMINIGUY]

Yeah, not up for that class trip to Heaven. ;-)

[vinney]

Good one Lippy...

 

[msslave]

 
A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Irv."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent
piece when it used to be the size of a
nickel."
Her mother says: "You're married to a
multi-millionaire businessman, you live
in an 8 Bedroom mansion, you drive a
$250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a
week allowance, you take 6 vacations
a year and you want to get a divorce
Over 45 CENTS?!
 
 
Now that's a Jewish mother!!!

No offense to Jewish mothers intended.