Joke of the Day

[Hoss]

I'd agree if it would be named "Bimbo procedure"... 

My partner made a much stronger comment........the sign language of which is an extended middle finger...lol..no sense of humour

[watcher1]

Least it wasn't another blonde joke.   

[TinyDancer]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick
one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy

there?'

' Yes .'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,

'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the

earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they

searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME .'

[GEMINIGUY]

It's little Johnny again. Brat. ;-)

[TinyDancer]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed
to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side..

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew:

'Bastards won't let me fart.'

[GEMINIGUY]

I should've known. My father always leaned to the left when he was about to fart. In our direction. ;-)

[KinkyKacey]

Stole from facebook post...

4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom.
The three others talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company
at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder,
became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of
the line Mercedes for Christmas.

The second guy said, "damn, that's terrific! my son is also the
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to
become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets.
He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!

The third man said. "well that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company
and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to
his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!

The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the
restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? One of the three guys
said, "we're talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...
what about your son?" they asked the 4th guy. The fourth man replied, "my son
is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three
friends said, "that's a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied.
"nah, I'm not ashamed hes my son and I love him..and he hasn't done too badly
either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot
mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends...
 

[GEMINIGUY]

lol That was HILARIOUS! I never saw it coming. ;-)

[gomez38555]

lol That was HILARIOUS! I never saw it coming. ;-)

A southern gentleman and a Yankee met in a bar while both were on business trips.  As the night wore on, both needed to use the facilities.  When the southerner left the restroom, he walked out without washing his hands. 

Not long after rejoining his new found friend at the bar the Yankee commented"
"I know this is none of my business, but at home we teach our children to wash their hands after using the restroom."
The southerner replied "well that fine if that's how y'all want to do it, but we just teach our kids not to piss on their hands."

[TheciaMarie]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh#t, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[Janus]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh#t, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

[TinyDancer]

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking
about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her:'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that
state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping
me alive, I'd much rather die'.
 Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration
towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish,
the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and
then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
 ....I ALMOST DIED!!!

[Well Behaved Lady]

Joe says to Paddy,
"Close your curtains the next time you and  your wife are getting intimate.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.
" Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

[redhatlover]

True story:  I was walking my dog the other day.  One of the little neighbor girls asked me, "Why does he pee every ten feet?"  I replied, "That's Facebook for dogs."

[GEMINIGUY]

She's getting a good deal. I'd've charged her $150. ;-)

[Well Behaved Lady]

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself.
Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his manhood. His wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied, "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator."

[GEMINIGUY]

Great Halloween joke, Well Behaved Lady!

[Janus]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.   
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up..
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with seniors!

[vinney]

 

[GEMINIGUY]

Hey, Toe, is it true that this is a true story? I was told you're the lawyer and Watcher is the old man. Watcher's not that old though.