Joke of the Day

[licksnkissez]

Do you rust?   

So true, TD.

Licks - hope that isn't me when I get that age.   

Only if you get it wet.

[Katiebee]

So, that's the reason watcher uses a condom?

[watcher1]

Do you rust?   

Brass doesn't rust.....

[watasch]

God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a Continent of black
people.
Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of
peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots
I put there."

Since I live in WA state I can agree with most of the comments as long as they are limited to the Eastern Side of the State      But definitely a contrast to "The Beltway" even if Western WA is included!

[Katiebee]

I guess you included Seatac in that?

[TinyDancer]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a

very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to

take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the

table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and

climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks

what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies

have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be
more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to

locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and
quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the
right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have
Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

[Janus]

Big woo TD...Now that is perfectly timed and hilarious too.

[watasch]

NOW THAT brought a smile to my face...another one to share!

[GEMINIGUY]

TD, you are one bad girl, lol!

[TinyDancer]

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one
day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and
asked us how many positions did we know.
I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over
said,
"Twelve."
The professor nodded approval, but as he got ready to call on another hand
there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150-seat auditorium,
"A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who
had spoken.
Finally, he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me.
At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally, she said,
"Only one sir."
And the professor said,
"Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice,
"A hundred and two!"

[watcher1]

Dang.  I have 99 more positions to try.

[Katiebee]

Watcher, times a wasting, you better get on it while you are still limber!

[watcher1]

Watcher, times a wasting, you better get on it while you are still limber!

Really.  I'd settle for just two or three different positions from the ones I already have done.

[Katiebee]

Suspend congress?

[TinyDancer]

Yep, Daddy's back in the house!

Welcome home sugar, I sure did miss you what with all the foolishness that's been going on. 

[TheciaMarie]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland :

 

  A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

 

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of  getting to heaven

'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

 

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into to to heaven?

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

 

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

 

I was just bursting with pride for them. I

continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD..'

It's a curious race, the Irish.

Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

[watcher1]

The Irish a curious race?  That is putting it mildly.

[watcher1]

Some Italian jokes in honor of Columbus Day


Q: What is a four-letter word in Italian for goodbye?
A: "BANG"!

Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.

Q: What's a sure-fire way to know you are Italian?
A: You are 5'4", can bench 350 lbs, and you still cry when your mother scolds you.

Q: What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pockets?
A: Mute.

Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony?
A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

[Well Behaved Lady]

The Irish a curious race?  That is putting it mildly.

How would you describe them?

[watcher1]

The Irish a curious race?  That is putting it mildly.

How would you describe them?

Ladies are tough, but cute.  Tougher than their men.