Joke of the Day

[vinney]

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

[GEMINIGUY]

lol FUN - NY!

[Lippy]

A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband who was a big bully bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on." 
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants!" she said.
"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
 With that she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee cap. He said,
 "Hell, I can't get into your pants!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

[Janus]

Good jokes this morning.

[TinyDancer]

Old Woman Fights Back

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.  A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.  Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

[Well Behaved Lady]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferrari's and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[GEMINIGUY]

I didn't know brocolli farts smelled that bad, lol
Funny mistress joke, too.

[TheciaMarie]

Peeing in Her Garden
 


A lady walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
 
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop."Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
 
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
 
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK.
Good luck ! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
 
"Not everybody pays."
 

[Lippy]

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, ''Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, ''No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.''


Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want anyone to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Denise was among them.
 The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, ''Why are you standing in line here, dear?''
Not willing to her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,'' and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
''Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?''
Grandma replied, ''Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

[watasch]

Found these this morning.  Can't take credit for them but I hope they put a smile on your face.




The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.




After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!";




I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.




Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.




The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"




My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"




A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."

"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.";


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.




I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
 

[GEMINIGUY]

lol These are the kind of jokes we shouldn't laugh about but can't help ourselves. ;-) Thanks for sharing, buddy!

[vinney]

Great jokes today especially the one...

"I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex."

Reminds me of home...

vinney

[Lippy]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is a bunch of crap. There is nothing you could say that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She smiled and said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

[GEMINIGUY]

Of course, she's never seen his friends' cocks, she made that up.



Sure. ;-)

[Well Behaved Lady]

 Here was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

[TinyDancer]

God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a Continent of black
people.
Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of
peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots
I put there."

[licksnkissez]

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?' He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.' She says, 'Why, are you sick?' He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.' Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, 'Where the heck are you going'? She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.' He says, 'Why, what do you need?' She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

[watcher1]

So true, TD.

Licks - hope that isn't me when I get that age.   

[Katiebee]

Do you rust?   

[GEMINIGUY]

Hilarious stuff today, thank you, ladies!