Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO ?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower ?
A widower
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out ?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
What do you get when four men go fishing and
one comes back after having caught nothing ?
"Three Men And A Baby"
What's a man view of safe sex ?
A padded headboard.
What do you call an intelligent man in America ?
A tourist.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised ?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball ?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle ?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
Moms have Mother's Day, Fathers have Father's Day.
What do Single guys have? Palm Sunday.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs ?
Because their balls fall over their arsehole and they vapour-lock.
The three words most hated by men during sex ?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Three words women hate to hear when having sex ?
"Honey, I'm home!"
What should you give a man who has everything ?
Penicillin.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What is the thickest book in the world ?
"What Men Think They Know About Women"
What is the difference between a man and childbirth ?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable
while the other is just having a baby
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you.
Why do men fall asleep immediately after having sex ?
So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!
Behind every great man is a great woman...
and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!
Did you hear the Viagra now comes in a nasal spray ?
It’s for dickhead.
why do men always pay more for car insurance ?
Women don't get blowjobs while they're behind the wheel.
A friend of mine used alcohol as a substitute for women.
You know what happened ?He got his penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end...
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them
Why don't men wear tight underwear ?
It cuts off circulation to the brain.
What’s the definition of a bastard?
A man who bonks you all night with a 2-inch penis,
then kisses you good-bye with a 12-inch tongue.