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TinyDancer

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Reply #60 on: May 03, 2012, 06:16:39 AM

Don't Lie to Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.


Janus

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Reply #61 on: May 03, 2012, 06:21:45 AM
I laughed out loud...too funny.......

Janus


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #62 on: May 03, 2012, 12:33:15 PM
What was mom doing in Julie's bed masturbating with the gravy ladle? :P

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Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline vinney

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Reply #63 on: May 03, 2012, 05:48:04 PM
Bad Motorway Driving

Driving to work this morning in the fast lane of the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a brand new Jaguar doing just 50 mph, with her face right up to the rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much that:-

I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the toast out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and soaked my trousers, ruined the phone and disconnected a very important call.

Damn Those Stupid Women Drivers!

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #64 on: May 03, 2012, 06:54:10 PM
You sounded just like my father. 'Stupid women drivers'... :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

coacheric

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Reply #65 on: May 03, 2012, 07:04:15 PM
And everyone else's father GG


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Reply #66 on: May 03, 2012, 07:21:26 PM
And my mother would counter it with 'stupid men drivers'. It was neverending. :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

TinyDancer

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Reply #67 on: May 04, 2012, 12:06:13 PM

Two Priests

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

When she passed them,she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it.

"Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"

"Father,it's me, Sister Veronica."


Offline vinney

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Reply #68 on: May 04, 2012, 12:13:07 PM
Holy shit... that's a good start to the day...

 :emot_laughing:

vinney

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coacheric

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Reply #69 on: May 04, 2012, 02:22:02 PM
Between Becca and Vinney, I can always count on a good laugh to start my day


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Reply #70 on: May 04, 2012, 04:19:35 PM
They must be lousy priests if they couldn't recognize one of their nuns... :P ;)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

coacheric

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Reply #71 on: May 04, 2012, 04:46:42 PM
Quote from: Geminiguy on May 04, 2012, 04:19:35 PM
They must be lousy priests if they couldn't recognize one of their nuns... :P ;)

To busy looking at the alter boys


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #72 on: May 04, 2012, 05:28:57 PM
I think the alter boys would recognize them on vacation, too... ;)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline vinney

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Reply #73 on: May 04, 2012, 05:33:48 PM
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!",

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!",

She looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???" ,

"DO IT!".

So the nurse sucks it back.

"That one there, drink that one as well.",

So the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,

"See honey - its not that hard."

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

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Reply #74 on: May 04, 2012, 05:36:39 PM
The length a husband will go to get a suck and swallow... :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline vinney

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Reply #75 on: May 04, 2012, 05:38:08 PM
The Drunken Farmer:

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says,
"If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

He grabs her butt and says,
"If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says,
"And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline vinney

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Reply #76 on: May 04, 2012, 05:44:47 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. T

he man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

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Reply #77 on: May 05, 2012, 12:23:58 AM
Can't say i feel sorry for old Bernie... ;)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline vinney

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Reply #78 on: May 05, 2012, 12:26:01 AM
Poor devil... Bernie has to take it one way or the other...

vinney

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TinyDancer

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Reply #79 on: May 05, 2012, 12:37:40 PM

Buying Barbie

Gordon was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
 
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
 
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?"
 
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $275.00."
 
Gordon asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $275.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
 
"That's obvious." the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture . . . "


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