Joke of the Day

[msslave]

Score another one for the big bird.

[Dudester]

I don't believe in hitting my children as a punishment...

So I send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead.

[MintJulie]

I don't believe in hitting my children as a punishment...

So I send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead.

Hey!   I wear Crocs.   Love them.  Easy on, easy off.  Get them wet, no biggy.   I HATE flip flops.  Can't stand anything between my toes.

[Dudester]

A stock market crash is worse than a divorce...

You lose half your money, and your wife is still around.

[Dudester]

The Lone Ranger is surrounded and captured by an indian tribe. The chief says: "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In three day days I will execute you, but first I will grant you three wishes."
The Lone Ranger says:"I would like to speak with my horse."
His wish is granted and the Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear. The horse gallops off. Hours later, Silver returns with a stunning blonde woman that goes into the Lone Ranger's teepee.
The next morning the chief says, "In two days I will kill you. What is your second wish?"
"I would like to speak to my horse."
Silver is brought to him and the Lone Ranger whispers in his ear. Again, the horse gallops off. This time, Silver returns with a brunette, even more stunning than the blonde. She spends the night with the Lone Ranger.
The next morning the chief says, "Tomorrow I will kill you. What is your final wish?"
The Lone Ranger says:"I would like to speak to my horse, alone."
Silver is brought to him and once they are alone, the Lone Ranger says:"For the last time, bring POSSE!!"

[msslave]

 

[Dudester]

A priest is driving down the road when he sees a nun sitting at a bus stop. The priest pulls over and offers the nun a ride. She accepts and gets in the car. As he takes one curve the nun shifts her position, her habit rides up and the priest views her leg. It is so lovely that he nearly loses control of the car.
A little ways further, the priest shifts gears and lets his hand move to her knee, then begins to slide up her leg. The nun says:"Father, remember psalm 129." The priest removes his hand from her leg and apologizes. A little ways further down the road, the priest once again shifts gears and lets his hand move her leg. Once again the nun says "Father, remember psalm 129." The priest removes his hand, apologizes and adds, "The flesh is weak."
Finally, they reach the nun's destination and she leaves. The priest returns to his rectory and takes out his bible, flipping to psalm 129, reading out loud:"Go forth and seek. Further up you will find glory."

The moral of the story is always be well informed or you might miss an opportunity.

[msslave]

[msslave]

Here's what I've learned about how to give a pill to a cat.
http://imgur.com/gallery/UBnTsur

Comes too close to being true to be funny...unless you have a dog. Go ahead and laugh.

[Jed_]

Here's what I've learned about how to give a pill to a cat.
http://imgur.com/gallery/UBnTsur

Comes too close to being true to be funny...unless you have a dog. Go ahead and laugh.

There’s a plastic gizmo I got from my vet that allows you to release the pill in the back of the cat’s throat.  At that point they got no choice but to swallow.  Saves your fingers from getting bit too.

Maybe shiela is familiar with it?

There’s a version of that for girls too.  Except it’s not made of plastic, but the release in the back of the throat and forced to swallow is the same.

[msslave]

Vet tech showed me a good way. I was trying to do it like I did with my sled dogs ages ago. Big mouths... easier target.

What's a few bites between friends.

[Dudester]

This happened in February.........

So, two Texans get sent to hell. The devil goes to visit them and finds just as happy as can be.
"What are you two so happy about?" he asks.
The Texans explain that it's been damn cold where they've been and they are enjoying the temperature. Satan gets angry, marches off to the furnace room and orders Hitler to turn up the temperature. Satan returns to the Texans and finds them having a barbecue. Satan then realizes that he's been doing this all wrong so he returns to the furnace room and orders Pol Pot to turn down the furnace all the way. The temperature in hell then becomes below zero. Satan then returns to the Texans and finds them rejoicing.
"What are you so happy about?" Satan roars.
The Texans explain:"Hell froze over. That meant that the Cowboys won the Super Bowl!!"

[_priapism]

This happened in February.........

The Texans explain:"Hell froze over. That meant that the Cowboys won the Super Bowl!!"

Pretty fucking funny.  And true.

[Dudester]

This is an oldie but goodie....

A man is walking down a beach and trips on a lamp. He picks up the lamp and rubs it. A genie pops out. The genie tells the man that he will grant him three wishes. He wishes for a million dollars. Poof. Done. He wishes for a rare 1964 and a half Ford Mustang convertible. Poof Done. He then tells the genie that he wants a bridge to Hawaii because he hates to fly. The genie points out the all too numerous beyond difficult logistics and asks if the man desires something else. The man says:"I want to understand how women think."
The genie replies:"Do you want that bridge to be two or four lanes?"

[MintJulie]

This is an oldie but goodie....

A man is walking down a beach and trips on a lamp. He picks up the lamp and rubs it. A genie pops out. The genie tells the man that he will grant him three wishes. He wishes for a million dollars. Poof. Done. He wishes for a rare 1964 and a half Ford Mustang convertible. Poof Done. He then tells the genie that he wants a bridge to Hawaii because he hates to fly. The genie points out the all too numerous beyond difficult logistics and asks if the man desires something else. The man says:"I want to understand how women think."
The genie replies:"Do you want that bridge to be two or four lanes?"

 

[Dudester]

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend:
'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'
'Mmm?'
'Not that many!'

[purpleshoes]

The best thing about being older is that I did all my stupid shit before the internet existed. 

How old am I? Old enough to remember when there was only one flavor of potato chips.

[msslave]

[_priapism]

The best thing about being older is that I did all my stupid shit before the internet existed. 

How old am I? Old enough to remember when there was only one flavor of potato chips.

3200 Baud dial up modem, and it only took an hour to download a single porn image off the Usenet groups!

[purpleshoes]

3200 Baud dial up modem, and it only took an hour to download a single porn image off the Usenet groups!

My first modem was 300 bits (not bytes) per second. And my first ISP limited me to 5 hours of connection time per month (and I swear half of that time was 'updating' their own graphics).

Of course, at one time I had only 3 TV channels to choose from. And I had to physically move to change channels or volume. Some things about the 'good old days' weren't all that good.