Joke of the Day

[psiberzerker]

It sounds pretty romantic to me, except for the argument part.  Maybe it's better if you don't argue over literature?

At least, until after the festivities.

[Jed_]

Best kind of argument Watcher. Wine, sunshine and arguing whether two people thinking about coincidence at the same time is coincidental or not! Vee.

With the wine and sunshine maybe we would get distracted and never get to discussing coincidences.....

Plying this dusky Indian damsel with wine to turn her into your own personal Nabokovesque Lolita are we?

Not a bad idea.

[AB-2007]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[psiberzerker]

 

;

A train hit a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all arrive at the Pearly Gates.  

Since they all died unmarried (and presumably virgins,) St. Peter asks the first girl. "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" 

She giggles and shyly replies. "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."  Knowing that she can't lie to get in.

St. Peter says. "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question. "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies. "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says. "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says. "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

[msslave]

  Good one Psi.

Science has developed a new strain of vegetable that won't cause gas.

It's been named Okra Wind-Free.

Those of you who are a tad slow, read aloud.

[psiberzerker]

Is she from Okra-homa?

[msslave]

Just some random thoughts of the day. (Pick the one that best fits you)


 * IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

*    RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.  THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

*    I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD,  I'M 25 -- PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING. 
   

*    BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.


*    VEGETARIAN:  ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!

*    I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY”?  -- THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

*    IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.


*    MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

*    SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.


*    CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.       

*    I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.

*    A WISE MAN ONCE SAID - - NOTHING.

[msslave]

[Jed_]

So my Peruvian said she wanted us to take a salsa class together, and very excited I heartedly agreed.  So we arrived at the class, and Latin music was turned on and people began to dance.  And there I was sheepishly hiding a bag of tortilla chips behind my back.

[_priapism]

For Jed’s amiga...

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Andes, a Peruvian, a Chilean, a little old lady, and a young well endowed blonde girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Chilean has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Chilean guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That Chilean guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Chilean thinks: The Peruvian must have groped the blonde in the dark. She thought it was me, and I got slapped.

The Peruvian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Chilean again.

[Jed_]

For Jed’s amiga...

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Andes, a Peruvian, a Chilean, a little old lady, and a young well endowed blonde girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Chilean has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Chilean guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That Chilean guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Chilean thinks: The Peruvian must have groped the blonde in the dark. She thought it was me, and I got slapped.

The Peruvian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Chilean again.

https://theculturetrip.com/south-america/chile/articles/chile-vs-peru-who-really-invented-the-pisco-sour/

[_priapism]

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...when behind him he hears:

BUMP

BUMP

BUMP

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes put the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP

BUMP

BUMP

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncuing quickly behind him.

FASTER

BUMP

FASTER

BUMP

FASTER

BUMP

He runs up to his door, fumbles his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP

clappity-BUMP

clappity-BUMP

On his heels, the terrified man runs.

clappity-BUMP

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

BUMPING and CLAPPING toward him.

clappity-BUMP

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup.

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

AND.....

just like that, the coffin stops.

[herschel]

They say puns are the lowest form of humor, but that got a rise out of me. 

[_priapism]

[AB-2007]

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”

[msslave]

A guy's frolicking in bed with his best friend's wife.
The phone rings and it's her husband.

Guy jumps out of the bed and grabs for his clothes.

Woman hangs up and orders him back to her bed.
She says, "No hurry. He'll be a while...says he's out drinking with you."

[MintJulie]

A guy's frolicking in bed with his best friend's wife.
The phone rings and it's her husband.

Guy jumps out of the bed and grabs for his clothes.

Woman hangs up and orders him back to her bed.
She says, "No hurry. He'll be a while...says he's out drinking with you."

Funniest I have read in a while

[msslave]

Glad you guys liked it.  I did good at keeping my name out of it, so you wouldn't know it's a true story. 

Dang...did I just type that out loud?

[AB-2007]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. You'll feel like 40 again."
 
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.  He replied, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

"I want five loaves."

She was surprised, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it will be hard."

He replied peevishly, "Sheech! I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me!"

[msslave]

No wonder I stay so limp. Can't have too many carbs, so the rye bread cure is a non-starter for me.