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_priapism

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Reply #3420 on: July 16, 2019, 05:26:47 PM
A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar, and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, so he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination, the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Sure! Why?"

"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"



Offline msslave

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Reply #3421 on: July 16, 2019, 05:31:40 PM
 :emot_laughing:  So true, alas

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline msslave

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Reply #3422 on: August 03, 2019, 04:13:21 PM

I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai.
I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number so that I could call her.

She got excited and said "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"

Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline MintJulie

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Reply #3423 on: August 05, 2019, 05:18:00 AM

I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai.
I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number so that I could call her.

She got excited and said "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"

Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429

haha, You're a goof! 

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_priapism

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Reply #3424 on: August 19, 2019, 06:01:39 PM
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”

Bill: “No, but my sister has.”



Offline herschel

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Reply #3425 on: August 19, 2019, 08:06:33 PM
 :emot_laughing: hi hi hi



Offline msslave

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Reply #3426 on: August 19, 2019, 08:36:54 PM

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


_priapism

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Reply #3427 on: August 20, 2019, 04:56:13 PM
A man was out shopping and discovered a new brand of of condoms called “Olympic.”  Clearly impressed, he bought a pack.

Upon getting home he announced to his wife the purchase he had just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she inquired, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replied, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asked with a wink.

“Gold of course”, he said proudly.

Pausing, the wife replied, “Why don’t you wear Silver instead? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”



Offline msslave

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Reply #3428 on: August 20, 2019, 05:30:40 PM
A man was having trouble with persistent headaches, a ringing in his ears and was seeing spots before his eyes. Not wanting to take chances with his health, he visited his doctor.

After an extensive series of examinations and tests the man returned to the doctor's office for the results.  The doctor was grim.  He said, "I'm sorry to tell you this but your condition is much more serious than I first thought.  There's no way to sugarcoat this, you'll be dead in six months."

The man was floored and speechless.  Finally, he pulled himself together, thanked the doctor and left the office.  As he walked down the street, he decided to make the best of things and live life to the fullest during the time he had left.

He sold his business, liquidated his investments and booked passage on a cruise around the world.  That done he decided he might as well get a new wardrobe for his trip.

Going all out, the doomed man selected the best tailor in down and was measured for new suits.  After all the measurements were taken and fabrics selected, the tailor asked if the gentleman would like some custom made shirts too.  "Why not", the man said.  If he was going out, he was going out in style.

The tailor started to measure for the shirt sizes. "Chest, 42 inches, sleeves 34 inches, and neck 16 inches", the tailor intoned as he measured.

"Hold it", the man said.  My neck size in 15 inches.  That's what I've always worn and that's how I want my shirts!"

The customer being always right the tailor sighed and said, "OK, if that's the way you want them made, fine.  But I must warn you, with the neck too small, you'll have headaches, your ears will ring and you'll see spots before your eyes."

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


_priapism

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Reply #3429 on: August 20, 2019, 05:33:05 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

Sorry, you can't repeat a karma action without waiting 24 hours.



_priapism

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Reply #3430 on: August 21, 2019, 07:09:24 PM
An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”



Offline msslave

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Reply #3431 on: August 22, 2019, 11:01:28 PM
So, a neighbor is gone and I was over at her house taking care of her plants.  I needed to use the bathroom and went down the hall and entered.  There on the sink was one of those test thingies you pee on.

Hmmmm, my perverted mind mused.  Wonder how it will react to a guy peeing on this thing. 

As I had to pee any way, I held it over the toilet, aimed carefully and let loose a stream.  I couldn't believe the results. :emot_weird:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline msslave

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Reply #3432 on: August 27, 2019, 01:12:59 PM

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline msslave

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Reply #3433 on: August 31, 2019, 11:18:30 PM

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


_priapism

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Reply #3434 on: September 16, 2019, 07:51:01 AM


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.



Offline Indian Babe

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Reply #3435 on: September 16, 2019, 02:34:46 PM
Very funny Toe! Reminds me of the Nabokov quote on concidence.

A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence.



Offline watcher1

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Reply #3436 on: September 16, 2019, 08:12:05 PM
Very funny Toe! Reminds me of the Nabokov quote on concidence.

A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence.

Watcher invites Indian Babe to a picnic and brings a couple of bottles of wine, some cheese and a blanket. It will take at least two bottles of wine to interpret Nabokov's meaning of coincidence.  8)

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_priapism

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Reply #3437 on: September 16, 2019, 09:49:54 PM
They call him Humbert Humbert.  ????



Offline Indian Babe

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Reply #3438 on: September 18, 2019, 06:06:27 AM
Best kind of argument Watcher. Wine, sunshine and arguing whether two people thinking about coincidence at the same time is coincidental or not! Vee.



Offline watcher1

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Reply #3439 on: September 18, 2019, 03:23:33 PM
Best kind of argument Watcher. Wine, sunshine and arguing whether two people thinking about coincidence at the same time is coincidental or not! Vee.

With the wine and sunshine maybe we would get distracted and never get to discussing coincidences..... 8)

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