Joke of the Day

[Army of One]

That reminds me of something my grandmother told me when she was a theatre nurse. (Note, I have forgotten a couple of key points here, so it may not be as funny, unless you are in the medical field and can mentally fill in the gaps.)

So, every month, the hospital would get a bunch of gaol residents in who were to have their circumcisions. On one occasion, one such inmate had tattooed on his penis the words "Hot Rod". Say what you like about that; it's probably the same thing I said.

One of the nurses, known for her no-nonsense attitude, started applying the prep gel (or whatever type of gel it was) to the shaft and noticed this fine piece of body art, and was quick to quip, "It'll be a cool tool by the time I finish with it!"

[wayne3218]

Why aren’t people in afgahanistan allowed to watch television?

Because of the Telly Ban

[Remington555]

Why aren’t people in afgahanistan allowed to watch television?

Because of the Telly Ban

That's a good one Wayne!

[Bows deeply in homage]

[Bangs forehead on keyboard]

Damn, I gotta stop doing that.

Remmy

[wayne3218]

Outrage as a local judge only gives a man a $200 fine after he pleads guilty for throwing his sun in the Hudson River.



The man’s reason was the newspaper was two day olds.

Littering is a crime too.

[wayne3218]

A woman crashed her car yesterday. She told the police that the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and was drinking from a can of beer at the time she hit him.


The police said the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own back garden.

[Remington555]

The creator of Auto-correct is no longer among the living.

May he restaurant in peace.   

[vinney]

With apologies to anyone this may offend.

Paddy's wife goes to the doctor complaining that after ten years of marriage she has never had an orgasm.

The doctor advised her to relax and use a fan to keep her cool during sex. Paddy refused to pay good money for a fan so asked his mate if he would mind waving a towel while they made love but she still didn't orgasm.

Next day she asked Paddy if they could swap over and so Paddy's mate made love to her. After twenty minutes of the best mind blowing sex she'd ever had, she orgasmed.

Paddy looked at his mate and said........'and that, my old son, is how to flap a fucking towel.'

[psiberzerker]

There's a frood who really knows where his towel is!

I'm just going to assume, for the sake of argument, that anything in the Guide is a big joke.

[msslave]

[ObiDongKenobi]

[Littlebit]

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

 

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."

 

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after the House and Senate are filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!"
 
"You crafty bastard," replied the fairy.

[msslave]

Thanks Littlebit.

Be funnier it it wasn't so true.

[aaron23062]

Chicago's St Valentine's Day Massacre was prompted by someone calling it "Valentimes."

It's the only joke I know valid for today... other than the joke in my pants.

[watcher1]

PARACHUTE CLUB

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool, and drinking wine isn't a good thing”.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.

So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 80 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.

“Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"  The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

[Katiebee]

Weather, tell he you joined the Liberal Gun Club, and you are going to go seal hunting with them.

[Remington555]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He toiled at it for years, until finally his father was on his deathbed -- Dan would inherit a fortune! He decided he needed a wife with which to share the vast estate.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few weeks, my father will die, and I'll inherit 100 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman accepted his business card. And just three short days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

[ObiDongKenobi]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over 'Nope.  'Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied.  To which, Bert yelled 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[_priapism]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[msslave]

The old man was in his 80s now, yet due to the fact he was also very rich, he courted and married a beautiful young blond in her 20s.

After the wedding and reception, they retired to his large home and prepared for their first evening of marital bliss.  Wanting to present her self at her best, the young bride showered, applied fresh make up and brushed out her lustrous hair. Slipping a see-thru nightie over her curvy body, she stood in the bedroom door gazing at her elderly husband in bed waiting for his bride.

In a husky voice, she asked him, "How many times are we going to make love tonight darling?"

The old man held up one hand, fingers splayed.  "Wow! Five times! I didn't expect you to be such a stud." exclaimed the bride. 

From the bed the old man said, "No. Pick a finger."

[msslave]

So...if you have your left arm cut off, your right arm is left... right?