KRISTEN'S BOARD
KB - a better class of pervert

vinney · **Reply #340 on:** June 20, 2012, 12:36:13 AM

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

vinney · **Reply #341 on:** June 20, 2012, 12:39:12 AM

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

vinney · **Reply #342 on:** June 20, 2012, 12:47:33 AM

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #343 on:** June 20, 2012, 09:17:00 AM

You were on a roll there, buddy! Great bunch of jokes. Boy, that boy planned out his revenge to the least detail, huh?

TinyDancer · **Reply #344 on:** June 20, 2012, 02:27:39 PM

Forgive Your Enemies

The preacher's Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked all present how many have forgiven their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

Now about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It's easy, I just outlived all those bitches.

Janus · **Reply #345 on:** June 20, 2012, 02:46:59 PM

Woo dat......

Janus

watasch · **Reply #346 on:** June 20, 2012, 05:54:16 PM

Each time I click on this thread I tend to find a new joke. These past few were great and found myself literally laughing out loud. Good job to all who have contributed and thanks for making my day a lot brighter.!!!

MissBarbara · **Reply #347 on:** June 20, 2012, 06:34:46 PM

There's a hilarious juxtaposition of thread titles on Recent Posts right now...

Pictures that make your pulse race!
Spay / Neuter your pets!
Sexy lingerie...

And who says KB doesn't have something for everyone!

vinney · **Reply #348 on:** June 21, 2012, 12:21:26 AM

A young boy was looking through an old family photograph album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father." she replied.

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

vinney · **Reply #349 on:** June 21, 2012, 12:25:11 AM

Two friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,

"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!"

The other friend said, "Don't worry, I'm going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!"

So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.

"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.

"It's ok", the doctor replies, "all you have to do is suck the poison out."

The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friend asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The other friend replies:

"Doctor said you gonna die!"

vinney · **Reply #350 on:** June 21, 2012, 12:29:21 AM

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant... about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #351 on:** June 21, 2012, 03:53:00 AM

Hilarious! Especially the last two, Vinney. Thanks!

TinyDancer · **Reply #352 on:** June 21, 2012, 11:51:32 AM

Grandma's Idea

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."

Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #353 on:** June 21, 2012, 08:18:38 PM

Sounds like grandma's horny...

vinney · **Reply #354 on:** June 22, 2012, 12:45:45 AM

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

TinyDancer · **Reply #355 on:** June 22, 2012, 12:49:27 AM

Haha, I reckon she told him....good one vinney. Thanks sugar.

vinney · **Reply #356 on:** June 22, 2012, 12:58:12 AM

An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.

The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."

The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."

The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, massaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"

vinney · **Reply #357 on:** June 22, 2012, 01:04:08 AM

A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.

The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.

The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.

The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.

The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off!

The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn't. Confused, the King asked why.

He stuck his tongue out and said, 'I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I welly lik ur dahta!'

vinney · **Reply #358 on:** June 22, 2012, 01:35:10 AM

Chinese Detective Report

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #359 on:** June 22, 2012, 02:40:19 AM

Loved the butcher and the detective jokes. He deserved twice his fee.

Joke of the Day

TinyDancer

Janus

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