Joke of the Day

[Whatiwish4]

An old man and his wife were celebrating 50 years of marriage.
The old man asks his wife if she would like to visit the spot where they first met.
After driving for about an hour they arrived at their location.
It was an old farm house in the middle of nowhere.

They strolled hand in hand across the fields until they came to a field that was fenced off.

The old man asks his wife “Do you remember this spot?”

“Oh sure” replied the wife “this is the spot where you first fucked me”

The old man’s eyes twinkled and as he looked around to make sure they were alone he asked his wife “What do you think? Shall we do it again?

“You bet” the wife answered as she dropped her knickers.

As the old man put his cock in her and started to push, the old lady went wild, pushing back against him, throwing her arms about and screaming.

After two minutes of banging her he finally came. As he withdrew from his wife he said “Blimey, sweetheart fifty years ago you was not that wild and crazy”

“Well” she answered “fifty years ago, the fence behind me was not fucking electrified..!!!”

[msslave]

 

[msslave]

Why us old farts don't get much action.
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.   

He is in his mid-eighties, hair perfectly coiffed, perfectly tailored suit,

and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. 

He presents a very nice image.

He notices that seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-thirties, cleavage, legs, eyes, hair...

The sharp old gentleman walks over, sits beside her, orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the young lady and says,

 


"So, tell me..... do I come here often?"

[Army of One]

[msslave]

A skeleton walks into a bar...


He orders a beer and a mop!

[Army of One]

 

I'll add my own:

Some sage advice: Knowing your herbs will save you a lot of thyme.

[Whatiwish4]

Three men, One english, one scot, one irish go on a safari.

A hundred yards away they see a lion sleeping under a tree. "Awfully boring" says the english.
"Make it exciting then" says the scot.

English picks up a stone and throws it at the lion. The stone hits the lion on the head. The lion opens its eyes, sees the men but goes back to sleep again.
"Look" said the scot "if you want to get a lions attention, you need something big" he picks up a rock and throws it at the lion, hitting it on the head.
The lion is now pissed off. He stands, roars and starts running towards the three men.

English and scot start running away but after a few metres see that the Irish is still standing in the same place. "Run!!" they shout at him.

"Why?" irish shouts back..."I didn't do anything!!"

[Whatiwish4]

A young women, pregnant with triplets, enters a bank just as it is being robbed. One robber shoots the woman in the stomach, three times.
The woman is rushed to hospital but the surgeons tell her that the bullets have missed vital organs and would come out naturally later on in life.

A few months later she gives birth to a boy and two girls. All healthy.

Thirteen years later, one morning one of the girls comes running down the stairs into the kitchen "Mum, Mum.. I was just having a pee and a bullet came out of my pussy"

Mum nodded and proceeded to explain to the girl what had happened thirteen years ago.

A few minutes later the second girl comes running down the stairs "Mum, Mum.. I was just having a pee and a bullet came out of my pussy"

Again, Mum nodded and proceeded to explain to the girl what had happened thirteen years ago.

A few minutes later the boy comes running down the stairs "Mum, Mum...."

"Yes, yes" Mum said "You was having a pee and....."

"No, no" the boy replied "I was having a wank, and I just shot the dog...!!!"

[Littlebit]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[Remington555]

Philosophy professor: What motivates you to get up in the morning?

Me: My bladder, mostly.

[wayne3218]

A man at a surf beach, watching everyone enjoying themselves in the surf
He sees a young girl fall from her surf board and get circled by a shark.
Looking around for help he sees no one else notice what is happening.
He runs into the surf and swims out to the young girl and kills the shark with his bare hands.
When he brings the young girl to the shore, people start congratulating him for saving the girl.
A newspaper reporter takes his photo and tells him he will be on the front page of the newspaper tomorrow. With the newspaper heading, Bronze Aussie saves girl from man eating shark.
He thanks the reporter and tells him that he isn’t an Aussie and that he is from England on holidays.
Don’t worry the reporter tells him, you will still be on the front page of the paper tomorrow.
When he opens the paper the next morning there is his photo with the heading Pommie bastard kills child’s pet

[msslave]

There was a gigolo doing business in a leper colony.  He was doing real well, until his business started falling off.

[Army of One]

A penguin is having trouble with his car, so he takes it to the mechanic. "Give me a few minutes," says the mechanic, "and I'll be able to tell you what's wrong."

The penguin leaves the car with the mechanic, and heads into town. He spots an ice cream, and buys a cone of vanilla ice cream. As he's enjoying it, he thinks, "I should go back and check to see how the car is doing."

When he gets back to the mechanic's, he says, "I know what the problem is. It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin responds, "Oh no, that's just vanilla ice cream."

[msslave]

 

[IdleBoast]

[MintJulie]

"It looks like you blew a seal."

It took me a minute, and a reread.  Got a laugh out loud from me when I figured it out. hahaha

[Army of One]

"It looks like you blew a seal."

It took me a minute, and a reread.  Got a laugh out loud from me when I figured it out. hahaha

Gods love you, MJ.

[Jed_]

Saw a children playing sign this weekend that reminded me of a joke I made years ago explaining a similar sign.

_______

Slow

‘stick figure running child’

Children
________

So visiting from Poland was a relative of my stepdaughter, and she laughed at the sign and asked what it meant.  She’s an English teacher in Poland, so knows English well.

I replied, ‘Well, the children around here either aren’t very fast, or they aren’t very smart.  Either way, you need to be careful driving.’

[ObiDongKenobi]

My son came home yesterday and said

"Dad, I've been thrown out of school for letting a girl in my class jerk me off."

"Son," I replied "that's three schools this year."

"Maybe teaching's not for you."

[msslave]

Actual life can sometimes be funnier than made up jokes.  Got this from a former nurse friend...actual notes from hospital charts.

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS (Actual writings from hospital charts)

1 . The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (OMG! that is
some examination

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,until
she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.