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Offline TheciaMarie

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Reply #3020 on: July 28, 2015, 04:08:51 PM
Tom decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!”, she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

I thought I was into bestiality and necrophilia until I realized I was just beating a dead horse.


Offline vinney

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Reply #3021 on: July 31, 2015, 12:15:50 AM
A man and a woman decided to travel to a deserted mountain road to make love.
They park the car on a sloping shoulder off the road, take off all of their clothes, hop into the back seat, and start to rock the car.
Well, the car is an older model, and they forget to set the emergency brake properly, and so the car starts rolling...off the slope, over a small overhang, and crashes.
The woman is thrown clear, but the man is pinned inside the car.
Man: "You're going to have to go get some help, I'm stuck."
Woman: "Go get some help? I'm completely naked, you idiot!"
The man grumbles, gropes around the car as best he can, and pulls out one of his shoes.
"Here," he says, "put this where it will do you the most good, and go get some help, for Pete's sakes."
So the woman wedges the shoe between her legs, and starts waddling down the road.
Soon, she reaches a little shack.
She knocks on the door, and an old grizzled gentleman answers.
"You've got to help my boyfriend," blurts the nearly naked woman, "he's stuck."
The old gentleman eyes the woman up and down and replies, "Honey, if he's in that far, I am not sure we gonna get him out.

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline vinney

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Reply #3022 on: July 31, 2015, 12:37:21 AM
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #3023 on: July 31, 2015, 01:37:27 AM
Call a lawyer! Don't take that crap! ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline Katiebee

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Reply #3024 on: July 31, 2015, 02:48:43 AM
Umm, he has to. That was the other location than his normal work place he was seen entering.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #3025 on: July 31, 2015, 07:39:58 AM
So? She didn't read the contract they agreed to. KB is an acceptable place for him to come.

Oh, and I knew you'd have a rebuttal, Katie. :^) That's one of the things I enjoy about your posts and why I nominated you for Pervert Of The Month two months in a row until you got it. Not sure  who's worthy this month now...

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline Well Behaved Lady

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Reply #3026 on: July 31, 2015, 12:26:22 PM
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #3027 on: August 04, 2015, 07:44:20 AM
Daughter: Mommy, I need to go shoppiing!

Mother: But we just went shopping.

Daughter: But that was for food! I need to go shopping for other stuff.

Mother: I knew if I gave you food this would lead to you wanting other stuff!

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline KinkyKacey

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Reply #3028 on: August 07, 2015, 08:14:40 AM
From FB source:

 A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks,
"What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”
 ;D

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Offline vinney

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Reply #3029 on: August 09, 2015, 12:49:35 AM

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline redhatlover

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Reply #3030 on: August 11, 2015, 03:18:58 PM
If a train station is where the train stops, then what is a work station?

I am like Charlie the Tuna.  I don't want women with good taste, I want women who taste good.


Offline msslave

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Reply #3031 on: August 15, 2015, 11:55:56 PM
Once upon a time a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"

  The princess said, "No!!!!" 

 And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

               

            The End

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline msslave

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Reply #3032 on: August 23, 2015, 08:21:20 PM
Good way to handle this and save money.
 
This is a hoot.....but too close to the truth of today's kids and their cell phones and tablets.
A little humour from a Dad.

Daughter to Dad TEXTING Communication in Todays Generation:

Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book. LOL

I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favourite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks,

Your favourite daughter,

Lilly

Dads reply ....also by texting

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


TinyDancer

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Reply #3033 on: August 25, 2015, 02:20:37 PM
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.



TinyDancer

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Reply #3034 on: September 09, 2015, 12:40:26 PM


THE  POWER  OF  BELIEVING  IN  ONE'S  FRIENDS

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

 It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

 Is it:

 A) the condor

 B) the buzzard

 C) the cuckoo

 D) the vulture

 The woman was on the spot.  She did not know the answer.  She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.

 She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

 The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

 The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

 'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

 Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

 'Is that your final answer?'

 'Yes, that is my final answer.'

 And Meredith replied, 'That answer is...  absolutely correct ! You are now a millionaire!'

 Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

 'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

 'Oh, come on,' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

 Sally fainted.



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #3035 on: September 09, 2015, 02:46:24 PM
WOO, TD! Great one! :^)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline Well Behaved Lady

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Reply #3036 on: September 09, 2015, 04:50:09 PM
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

“What happened here today?’”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”



Offline Sensualtravler

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Reply #3037 on: September 11, 2015, 03:50:27 AM
A  woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.

My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

 

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

"To anger a conservative, lie to him. To anger a liberal, tell him the truth."


Offline TheciaMarie

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Reply #3038 on: September 22, 2015, 04:16:45 PM
A guy was telling me in the pub about his ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" I said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling I began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
He said,  "Yesterday."

I thought I was into bestiality and necrophilia until I realized I was just beating a dead horse.


Offline Well Behaved Lady

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Reply #3039 on: September 24, 2015, 04:25:52 PM
Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay on top of. As a humour tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, there have been many mass-debates on the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings. The topic can become hot by attempting to grasp it, and the more one experiments with it, the more interested they become. Also, as the language changes innuendos must change in order to fill the newly created holes and satisfy listeners.