Joke of the Day

[TheciaMarie]

 Live long and prosper


The story below is reputed to be true, but authenticity is not warranted.

 

 

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM  TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

 

THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED. SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

 

 

 

 

 

CHEERS!

 

[brody]

There was a company of marines that grew rather fond of their drill sergeant.  For Christmas that year they gave him a calendar.  Every month was March.  Every day was the 4^th. 

The old sergeant grew quite misty-eyed!

[anvil]

 

 

 

>    Subject: Fwd: My cap


>        Yesterday, I  wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in  particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I  retired, trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good  for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing  some of the people that frequent this establishment.
> 
>                      
> 
>        But, I  digress... enough of my psychological fixations.
> 
>                      
> 
>        While standing  in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early  thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"
> 
>          
> 
>        "No," I  replied.
> 
>          
> 
>        "Then why are  you wearing that cap?"
> 
>          
> 
>        "Because I  couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."
> 
>          
> 
>        I thought this  was a snappy retort.
> 
>          
> 
>        "The War of  1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was  that?"
> 
>          
> 
>        God forgive me,  but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.  "1936,"
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>          
> 
>        I answered, as  straight-faced as possible.
> 
>          
> 
>        He pondered my  response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812  if it was in 1936?"
> 
>          
> 
>        "It was a Black  Operation. No one is supposed to know about it."
> 
>          
> 
>        This was  beginning to be way too much fun!
> 
>          
> 
>        "Dude! Really?"  he exclaimed.
> 
>          
> 
>        "How did you  get to do something that COOOOL?"
> 
>          
> 
>        I glanced  furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice  said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
> 
>          
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>        "Dude," he was  really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously  awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
> 
>          
> 
>        "Not really.  The other guys were all wearing white  camouflage."
> 
>          
> 
>        The moron  nodded knowingly.
> 
>          
> 
>        "Listen man," I  said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still  'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
> 
>          
> 
>        "Oh yeah?" he  gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I  do?"
> 
>          
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>        With a really  hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything  to happen to them, would we?"
> 
>          
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>        The guy gulped,  left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the  lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.  I just grinned at her.
> 
>          
> 
>        After checking  out and going to the parking lot I saMy w the Dimwit leaning in a car window  talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing  excitedly in my direction.
> 
>          
> 
>        Giving him  another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned  kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a  flurry of dust.
> 
>          
> 
>        What a great  time I had!
> 
>          
> 
>        Tomorrow I'm  going back with my Homeland Security cap.
> 
>          
> 
>        Then the next  day I will go to the County Welfare office so I can wear my Border Patrol hat, and see how  long it takes to empty out the whole place.
> 
>          
> 
>        Whoever said retirement is boring just  needs the right kind of cap!
>



 

[brody]

>    Subject: Fwd: My cap

That's a woo.
That's so freakin' funny!   

[Katiebee]

OmG!

I love that!

[Katiebee]

I posted this in response to pthlc and his skydiving thread. I'm re-posting it here for the rest of you. This is one that my Dad loves to tell.

Gen. Eisenhower was catching a ride on a C-47 across the Engilish channel, to visit his commanders who were then romping through France, toward the German border. Since they were not filled to capacity, a young paratrooper was put on board, so that he could rejoin his unit, after convalescing from a wound.

The flight was very routine, and as the C-47 circled the Paris airfield in preparation for landing, Gen. Eisenhower noted that the young paratrooper was white knuckled, pale, and trembling.

He leaned over to the paratrooper and said,
"Soldier, I can see from the bronze stars on your jump wings that you've made two combat jumps, so you've had lots of experience in these planes. Why are you so nervous?"

The paratrooper, looked at the general with wide eyes and replied, "Sir, I've jumped from these things hundreds of time, this is the first time I've ever landed in one."

[brody]

I posted this in response to pthlc and his skydiving thread. I'm re-posting it here for the rest of you. This is one that my Dad loves to tell.

Gen. Eisenhower was catching a ride on a C-47 across the Engilish channel, to visit his commanders who were then romping through France, toward the German border. Since they were not filled to capacity, a young paratrooper was put on board, so that he could rejoin his unit, after convalescing from a wound.

The flight was very routine, and as the C-47 circled the Paris airfield in preparation for landing, Gen. Eisenhower noted that the young paratrooper was white knuckled, pale, and trembling.

He leaned over to the paratrooper and said,
"Soldier, I can see from the bronze stars on your jump wings that you've made two combat jumps, so you've had lots of experience in these planes. Why are you so nervous?"

The paratrooper, looked at the general with wide eyes and replied, "Sir, I've jumped from these things hundreds of time, this is the first time I've ever landed in one."

Definitely woo worthy! 

[aaron23062]

A guy next to me on the bus was reading a brochure from some precious metals scam artist. "Look at this!" he cried excitedly, "You can make a fortune buying and selling bars of metals!"

"That's bullion," I said.

"No! It's true, I tell you!"

[MissBarbara]

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
 
'"House" in French, is feminine "la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."'
 
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.
 
So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
 
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
 
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
 
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
 
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.
 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
 
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
 
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
 
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
 
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!
 
 

[anvil]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men
and women differ so much. And I never have figured
out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never
figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to
hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the
planet dreads to hear…
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs
as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t
you just love me for who I am and not what I do for
you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night,
I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work
to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch
and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different very expensive outfits. She
couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d
just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said,
‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she
picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell
you… she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think
she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine,
honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction
from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation, she finally said,
‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No
honey, I don’t feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff
for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial
needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your
shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to
kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I
am and not for the things I buy you?’
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at
least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her

[Elizabeth]

Trip To The Farm....

After a trip to the farm and the children were back at school.
The teacher asked what sounds they heard while they were there.
One student...replied "MOO"
Another.........replied "OINK"
Yet another....replied "CLUCK"
Some others...replied "BAA"
One even.......replied "NEIGH"
The teacher was proud of her students for listening so well while they were there.
But way in the back of the classroom was Little Johnny with his hand up, so the teacher asked him what sounds he had heard...............................................
Little Johnny replied that he heard the Farmer ....."Get Off The Fucking Tractor.!!"

Love,
Liz

[msslave]

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him
into her Victorian parlor.  She invited him to have a seat  while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting
on top of it, filled with water.  In the water floated, of all things, a condom.  Imagine his
shock and surprise.  Imagine his curiosity!  Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..!


But he certainly couldn't mention the strange  sight in her parlor.  When she returned
with tea and cookies, they began to chat.  The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him,   and he could
resist no longer.  "Miss Bea",  he said,   "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
(pointing to the bowl).  "Oh, yes," she replied,  "Isn't it wonderful?  I was walking
downtown last fall and I found this little package.  The directions said to put it on the
organ, keep it wet, and it  would prevent disease.  And you know....I haven't had a
cold all winter."

[GEMINIGUY]

WOO, really funny jokes! Especially Little Johnny and the condom. :^)

[anvil]

One evening the old farmer decided to go
down and check on the swimming hole,
because he hadn't been to that area of the
property in a while. He grabbed a five-
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As
he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his
presence, and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked."
Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm
here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can really think fast!

[GEMINIGUY]

lol Love it! ;-)

[anvil]

 

lol, maybe this should be in politics,,, 

 

I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise  $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.  

We  originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore, until wediscovered there was not enough  room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame.  We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.  It was not  proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or  beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the  difference.  

We  finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.  He  left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where  he was.  He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on  someone else's money.

Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

p.s.

The Committee  has raised $.16 so far 

 


 

 

[GEMINIGUY]

Evil!!! But so funny!!! ;-)

[wanker77]

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.

"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said. The guy remarked, "I don't mind that you're flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, "I don't mind that like a baby below the
waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took
off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she regained consciousness, the guy said, "I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?"

"You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"

[Hoss]

Stolen weapon found during search at Tennessee jail
 
Loaded Gun In Vagina
 
 
 
APRIL 22--A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.
As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search.
 
The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,”according to a Kingsport Police Department report.
 
A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver--which is four inches in length--had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250 is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.
 
In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.”
News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News.
Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility.
According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond.
 


Posted one-liners.   
1. I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!
2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger".
3. Happiness is a warm gun?
4. At four inches in length it comes off as half cocked...
5. "For sale AA22LR never used;  still in the box."
6. Report reads, "...Introducing contraband into a penal facility." Shouldn't that be 'penile' facility?
7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'?
8. Remember : Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.
9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.
10.You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking...
11. Oh my... accident waiting to happen.  Could 'shoot the beaver'.
12.I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning...
13.Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
14.I wonder if she had 'gun-areah'?
15.Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge"...
16.Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'?
17.A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?
18.Figures... it uses 'rim shot' ammo.
19.This supports the “Big Bang” theory.

[vinney]

*Wonderful English Messages translated from Around the World*


*In a Bangkok Temple:*
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

*Cocktail Lounge, Norway:*
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

*Doctor's Office, Rome:*
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

*Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:*
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

*A Nairobi Restaurant:*
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

*On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:*
TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

*On a poster at Kencom:*
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

*In a City restaurant:*
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

*In a Cemetery:*
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

*Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:*
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN
BED.

*On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:*
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

*In a Tokyo Bar:
*SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

*Hotel, Yugoslavia:
*THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB
OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

*Hotel, Japan:*
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

*In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: *
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

*A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:*
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT,
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.


*Hotel, Zurich:*
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

*Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
*WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR
OWN ASS?

*Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: *
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL
DIRECTIONS.

*A Laundry in Rome:*
LADIES, LEAVE  YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.

*And finally, the all time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:*
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.