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Offline msslave

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Reply #2840 on: February 01, 2015, 06:22:58 PM
I've always said, "Ya gotta use the right bait to get what you're fishing for." :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline sheriff andy

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Reply #2841 on: February 01, 2015, 08:11:53 PM
A woman gets a call from her husbands doctor.
"Mrs. Jones we have the results from your husbands test, but we have a small problem.
We seemed to have mixed up the names of the two Jones's we have as patients.  The end result is, your husband either has early Alzheimer's or AIDS."

Mrs. Jones replys "Well my god that's a big difference. What are we supposed to do, come in and redo the tests?"

The doctor's office answers "No mame, the answers rather simple.  Just take your husband 5 miles or so from home and drop him off.  If he comes home, don't have sex with him"



Offline watcher1

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Reply #2842 on: February 04, 2015, 03:14:01 PM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Carl, the hypnotist, exclaimed: “I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.” The excitement was almost electric as Carl withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light. Carl, the hypnotist, said:  “I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 
“Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,  light shimmering off its polished surface...  Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,  until, suddenly,  it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
 shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.


Offline Gina Marie

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Reply #2843 on: February 04, 2015, 03:26:21 PM



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2844 on: February 04, 2015, 04:41:09 PM
He could have yelled "FUCK!" ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline redhatlover

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Reply #2845 on: February 10, 2015, 10:32:48 PM
Little Johnny comes home from school and his father asks him, "What did you learn in school today?"
Johnny,  "I learned that today is President's day."
Father, "And what is the significance of President's Day?"
Johnny, "That is when the president steps out onto the White House porch and if he sees his shadow, we get twelve months more of bullshit!"

I am like Charlie the Tuna.  I don't want women with good taste, I want women who taste good.


Offline brody

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Reply #2846 on: February 10, 2015, 11:20:55 PM
Little Johnny comes home from school and his father asks him, "What did you learn in school today?"
Johnny,  "I learned that today is President's day."
Father, "And what is the significance of President's Day?"
Johnny, "That is when the president steps out onto the White House porch and if he sees his shadow, we get twelve months more of bullshit!"

And that explains it.  We've had centuries of Presidents seeing their shadows and now we have been dealing with all the crappolla for years!  And it don't matter which side of the aisle you're on, the horse shit is equally deep.



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2847 on: February 11, 2015, 06:50:40 PM
Johnny never holds back from saying what's on his mind. ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


TinyDancer

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Reply #2848 on: February 19, 2015, 02:17:01 PM


Arriving In Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"



Offline aaron23062

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Reply #2849 on: February 21, 2015, 01:03:47 AM
Riddler: Riddle me this; what do you get if you eat too much Swiss cheese?

Robin: Holy shit, Batman!

Riddler: Correct, Boy Blunder!

The truth is a three-edged sword.  -- Kosh


Offline KinkyKacey

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Reply #2850 on: February 25, 2015, 10:17:02 PM
From Facebook.. Please leave your logical brain outside before entering... :)

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse.
She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says,
"Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither" says Jed, "Let's take these things off!"

Bliss is Your Birthright: Make Sure To Orgasm Daily!


Offline brody

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Reply #2851 on: February 25, 2015, 10:39:00 PM
From Facebook.. Please leave your logical brain outside before entering... :)

. . . . .

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither" says Jed, "Let's take these things off!"




Offline Blue_Eyes

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Reply #2852 on: February 27, 2015, 06:52:35 AM
One day, Superman was flying over Metropolis, and through his x-ray vision, noticed Wonder Woman laying naked on her penthouse roof.

So, he swoops down beside her and watches as she undulates over and over. Superman couldn't take it anymore, so he whipped down his super shorts and hopped on top.

Ten hours later, he comes to a tremendous orgasm, hops up and pulls up his super shorts and says to Wonder Woman, "Well Wonder Woman, what did you think of that?"

Wonder Woman says, "Not bad, but I don't think the Invisible Man appreciated it...."



Offline brody

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Reply #2853 on: February 27, 2015, 06:55:07 AM
One day, Superman was flying over Metropolis, and through his x-ray vision, noticed Wonder Woman laying naked on her penthouse roof.

So, he swoops down beside her and watches as she undulates over and over. Superman couldn't take it anymore, so he whipped down his super shorts and hopped on top.

Ten hours later, he comes to a tremendous orgasm, hops up and pulls up his super shorts and says to Wonder Woman, "Well Wonder Woman, what did you think of that?"

Wonder Woman says, "Not bad, but I don't think the Invisible Man appreciated it...."

Snicker~

Btw, I notice that you are kinda new here.  Welcome.  Thanks for posting!



Offline Blue_Eyes

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Reply #2854 on: February 27, 2015, 03:31:56 PM
Thanks, Brodie, but actually, I've been "lurking" for many, many years...



Offline Blue_Eyes

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Reply #2855 on: February 27, 2015, 03:37:08 PM
Back in the day, "Naive Nancy" jokes were almost as prevalent as "Little Johhny" jokes.

Unfortunately, I can only remember this one:

Naive Nancy just got home from school and decided to climb a tree while she still had her little school dress on. Before long, all the little boys were standing under her looking up.

Her mother noticed, and yelled out the window "Nancy, you shouldn't climb a tree in your dress...all the boys will see your panties!"

And Nancy laughed and laughed; she knew she didn't have any panties on.....



Offline msslave

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Reply #2856 on: February 27, 2015, 11:29:34 PM
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline brody

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Reply #2857 on: February 27, 2015, 11:34:11 PM
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.


 ;D




Offline msslave

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Reply #2858 on: March 01, 2015, 04:34:50 AM
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2859 on: March 01, 2015, 05:14:14 AM
lol Were they blondes? ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant