KRISTEN'S BOARD
Congratulations to 2024 Pervert of the Year Shiela_M and 2024 Author of the Year Writers Bloque!

News:

Joke of the Day

Guest · 363525

« previous next »
Pages: 1 ... 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 ... 262   Go Down

0 Members and 3 Guests are viewing this topic.

Online msslave

  • Co-POY 2019
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 8,880
    • Woos/Boos: +1388/-3
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2820 on: January 08, 2015, 01:10:00 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:  Thanks TD.  Great joke to start the day.

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2821 on: January 08, 2015, 08:24:00 PM
Too good, lol! A big WOO!

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2822 on: January 08, 2015, 08:31:07 PM
Of course AFTER the husband stormed out of the room in a huff, the wife turned to the young man, eyes bright and giddy with the anticipation, and says "Don't stop now, do what you were getting ready to do!"

;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline Mason

  • Degenerate
  • ***
    • Posts: 146
    • Woos/Boos: +10/-2
Reply #2823 on: January 08, 2015, 09:04:51 PM
I just punched out of work. Was a long day. This joke made me shoot Soda out of my nose. Was a great way to end a work day. Thank you and +Karma is heading your way.


Offline watcher1

  • POY 2010
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 16,989
    • Woos/Boos: +1722/-57
    • Gender: Male
  • Gentleman Pervert
Reply #2824 on: January 09, 2015, 03:09:18 AM
stace and TD - two funny jokes.  Fun way to end a very long day.  Thank you.

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.

TinyDancer

  • Guest
Reply #2825 on: January 12, 2015, 12:35:03 PM
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."


Offline watcher1

  • POY 2010
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 16,989
    • Woos/Boos: +1722/-57
    • Gender: Male
  • Gentleman Pervert
Reply #2826 on: January 12, 2015, 03:30:51 PM
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

 She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well,  I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.  "How much will you charge me ?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need, were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"  he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

 "You're finished already ??"  the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you, " the blonde said,   "And,  by the way,  it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.

Offline Katiebee

  • Shield Maiden POY 2018
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,197
    • Woos/Boos: +946/-14
    • Gender: Female
  • Achieving world domination, one body at a time.
Reply #2827 on: January 13, 2015, 06:00:38 AM
BAZINGA!

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

TinyDancer

  • Guest
Reply #2828 on: January 13, 2015, 01:48:00 PM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt."


joe_and_michelle

  • Guest
Reply #2829 on: January 13, 2015, 02:19:22 PM
 :emot_laughing:
You have no idea how hard I laughed at this.
Love the Chinese accents from people I deal with. 
The accent of a little girl I know, has all but disappeared, but whenever she goes to meet with our Chinese neighbor for cultural lessons, she always comes back with a hint of it in her speech.   
Love it, Ms.Dancer.  Thank you


Offline Elizabeth

  • Life Is Short........Play Naked..!!!
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 8,768
    • Woos/Boos: +392/-10
    • Gender: Female
Reply #2830 on: January 13, 2015, 06:04:49 PM
Quote from: Katiebee on January 13, 2015, 06:00:38 AM
BAZINGA!

Hey...!!!!
Isn't that Swahili for "cow shit".??
 :emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz


TinyDancer

  • Guest
Reply #2831 on: January 14, 2015, 01:51:30 PM
CROTCHLESS PANTIES
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more
and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. 

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship,
and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in
a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. 

She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily
tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties."



Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2832 on: January 14, 2015, 07:34:44 PM
Uhhh-ohhh. This won't end good. Someone will be going away for a long time for Homicide...

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline vinney

  • POM - March 2012 - October 2014 - December 2015 - POY 2015
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,852
    • Woos/Boos: +949/-3
    • Gender: Male
  • Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.
Reply #2833 on: January 16, 2015, 12:11:29 AM
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


Sorry but the simple ones are sometimes the best... ;D... vinney

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2834 on: January 25, 2015, 10:05:55 AM
Never hold your farts in! They travel up your, into brain, and that's where shitty ideas come from.

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline vinney

  • POM - March 2012 - October 2014 - December 2015 - POY 2015
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,852
    • Woos/Boos: +949/-3
    • Gender: Male
  • Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.
Reply #2835 on: February 01, 2015, 02:01:06 PM
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline vinney

  • POM - March 2012 - October 2014 - December 2015 - POY 2015
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,852
    • Woos/Boos: +949/-3
    • Gender: Male
  • Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.
Reply #2836 on: February 01, 2015, 02:02:41 PM
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

"Since when do you wear women's pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"


Sometimes the simple ones are the best...

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline vinney

  • POM - March 2012 - October 2014 - December 2015 - POY 2015
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,852
    • Woos/Boos: +949/-3
    • Gender: Male
  • Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.
Reply #2837 on: February 01, 2015, 03:03:24 PM
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2838 on: February 01, 2015, 05:37:37 PM
What an asshole! lol

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline watcher1

  • POY 2010
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 16,989
    • Woos/Boos: +1722/-57
    • Gender: Male
  • Gentleman Pervert
Reply #2839 on: February 01, 2015, 05:54:41 PM
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor Maine man
answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.
 
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers.
 
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens exclaimed!
 
The troopers looked at each other. One said,
 
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
 
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
 
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
 
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her, haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's , and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
 
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,
 
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
 
The trooper replied,
 
"We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.

Pages: 1 ... 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 ... 262   Go Up
« previous next »