KRISTEN'S BOARD
Congratulations to 2024 Pervert of the Year Shiela_M and 2024 Author of the Year Writers Bloque!

vinney · **Reply #2760 on:** December 08, 2014, 11:17:16 PM

A 70 year old man walked into his doctor's crowded waiting room and approached the reception desk.

The bossy receptionist said in a loud voice, "Yes, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he said.

The receptionist becoming irate said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"You shouldn't have asked me what was wrong in a crowded waiting room," the old man retorted.

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited a couple of minutes, then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled very smugly and asked, "Yes?"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

vinney · **Reply #2761 on:** December 08, 2014, 11:20:00 PM

A couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in excellent health, largely due to the wife's insistence on regularly eating healthy bran muffins.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your new home now."

The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why nothing," St. Peter replied, "This is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there was a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, and free-flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, and it's all free for you to enjoy."

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?," he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man then glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking healthy bran muffins. We could've been here 10 years ago!"

vinney · **Reply #2762 on:** December 08, 2014, 11:24:08 PM

Katie goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

Father O'Grady says, "What's troubling you, Katie my dear?"

She says, "Oh Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away suddenly last night."

The priest says, "Oh Katie, that's terrible. Tell me Katie, did he have any last requests?"

Katie says, "That he did, Father!"

The priest says, "What did he ask, Katie?"

She says, "His last words were: 'Please Katie, put down that damn gun...'"

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2763 on:** December 08, 2014, 11:27:46 PM

WOO, Vinney! The second one is my favorite. :^)

msslave · **Reply #2764 on:** December 11, 2014, 03:48:07 PM

Good ones, Vinney!
Here's an oldie, with an added twist.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Sensualtravler · **Reply #2765 on:** December 11, 2014, 09:23:46 PM

The value of experience.

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Sensualtravler · **Reply #2766 on:** December 11, 2014, 09:26:41 PM

A GOLFERS LOVE STORY
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, " Maria, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me ? "
Maria replied, " Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. "
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, " I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ' good reasons ' ? "
Maria said, " The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended ? " Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, " I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time ? "
Maria asked, " Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed ? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge. " " I recall that, " said Henry. " And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time. "
" All right, " Maria said. " So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes ?? "

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2767 on:** December 12, 2014, 03:46:16 AM

lol Great stuff!

Sensualtravler · **Reply #2768 on:** December 12, 2014, 05:55:55 AM

The Obama administration today announced that its changing its national symbol to the CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while
you're actually being screwed! Damn it just doesn't get more accurate than that. I guess if the rubber fits,wear it

Sensualtravler · **Reply #2769 on:** December 12, 2014, 05:57:53 AM

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' The guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing
and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end (DUCKS!)

Sensualtravler · **Reply #2770 on:** December 12, 2014, 05:59:56 AM

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that
experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has
someone come in and change her hair color. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

Sensualtravler · **Reply #2771 on:** December 12, 2014, 06:17:39 AM

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH.............
>
>
> 1. THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE THEIR PURSES
> ARE.
>
> 2. THEY BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH THEIR ARMS OVERHEAD AND
> WIGGLING THEIR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY
> THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
>
> THEY SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT THEY WANT TO KICK
> SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE THEY COULD DO IT TOO.
>
>
> 4. IN THEIR LAST TRIP TO PEE, THEY REALIZE THAT THEY NOW LOOK
> MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS THEY WERE JUST
> FOUR HOURS AGO.
>
> 5. THEY START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE " I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH."
>
> 6. THEY GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!'
>
> 7. THEY FIND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO A GEEK
> SITTING NEXT TO THEM.
>
> 8. THEY SUDDENLY TAKE UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY
> GOOD AT IT.
>
> 9. THEY YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO THEY BELIEVE CHEATED THEM BY
> GIVING THEM JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN
> NO LONGER TASTE THE CHARDONNAY.
>
>
> 10. THEY THINK THEY'RE IN BED, BUT THEIR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY
> LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop ... OR THE BATHMAT?)
>
> 11. THEY FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN
> THEY SIT ON IT.
>
> 12. THEY TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE IT'S THE SHOES
> FAULT THEY'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
>
> And Remember...
> 'A clean house is the sign of a wasted
> life!'

TinyDancer · **Reply #2772 on:** December 12, 2014, 06:58:10 PM

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

watcher1 · **Reply #2773 on:** December 12, 2014, 08:29:40 PM

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2774 on:** December 13, 2014, 12:29:26 AM

I've said this before, but "OUCH!" Good one, Watcher! ;-)

vinney · **Reply #2775 on:** December 13, 2014, 12:33:20 AM

So one night, the farmer gets drunk.

He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

vinney · **Reply #2776 on:** December 13, 2014, 12:37:29 AM

A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar.

They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.

The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team."

Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team."

So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team."

Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".

vinney · **Reply #2777 on:** December 13, 2014, 12:38:41 AM

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

TinyDancer · **Reply #2778 on:** December 13, 2014, 01:21:53 PM

THE SEVEN DWARVES AND THE POPE
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we
finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of
the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead,
Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me,
young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead
and ask.

Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others
all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the
rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues,
"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black
nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey,
ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any
midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there
are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing,
and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

TinyDancer · **Reply #2779 on:** December 15, 2014, 12:34:35 PM

Little Old Lady In Court

Your honor, I am 86 years old.

So here I am, sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.

He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor.

Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

He yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch.

Joke of the Day

TinyDancer

TinyDancer

TinyDancer