Joke of the Day

[Well Behaved Lady]

It doesn't matter who posted it, my point jokingly was as I said she must have been very, very gorgeous since gorgeous IS in the sentence twice.

You obviously missed the humour in my post.

[TinyDancer]

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
 She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Edna

[staci]

Now, that's funny.

[Well Behaved Lady]

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

[TinyDancer]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,


"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

[staci]

 






 One day a wife asked her husband, "Honey, would you please mow the lawn?"
Her husband responded "Who do you think I am, John Deere?"

Later the wife asked, "Would you please paint the house?" Her husband said,
"Who do you think I am, Sherwin Williams?" Then he left to go fishing for
the weekend.

When he got back home, he was surprised to see the lawn was mowed and the
house was painted. He asked her how she got all of it done. She said, "The
guy next door did it. He wanted me to either bake him a cake or give him a
blow job."

So the husband asked, "What kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Who do
you think I am, Betty Crocker?"

[GEMINIGUY]

"No, you look like Blow Job Betty."

[Well Behaved Lady]

Superman was patrolling the skies above New York, He sees Wonder Woman sun bathing naked on a sky scraper. He thought that if he travelled at the speed of light he could give her one, and be away before she knew what had happened! So in he flew, emptied his load and flew off again.

Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?"

"No idea," said the Invisible man, "but fuck, my arse hurts."

[GEMINIGUY]

Leonard Nimoy joins the Mayor of a small town in the dedication on a new building.
As the Mayor finishes his speech, he thinks he's being witty as he says "And may the Force be with you!"
Leonard Nimoy becomes irritated.
"You DO know who I am, right?"
"Of course I do! Do you think i'm an idiot!" He shoots back angrily. "You were one of the Little Rascals, right?"

[msslave]

What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of a turtle?
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WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

[TinyDancer]

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she  continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

[GEMINIGUY]

Hey, was that a blonde joke?!?

[Katiebee]

Why, does it resemble you?

[GEMINIGUY]

Nah. I just felt bad for the blonde wife...

[TinyDancer]

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

[horny guy]

The dreaded Silent Fart
 
 
The Silent Fart   -  You know, the one you thought went unnoticed!
 
One of the joys of ageing...............!!!

 An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
 
 
 About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
 
 The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

 Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[horny guy]

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.  When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.  The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.  I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,  '99'.
> The old guy obeys and says,  "99".
>
> The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,  '99".
>
> Again, the old guy  says,  '99'."
> The doctor said, “Very good”.   Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.  I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.  Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
>
> The old guy begins, "One....   two… three…"

[GEMINIGUY]

Just because you're old doesn't mean you're senile! ;-) WOO on this joke!

[Well Behaved Lady]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

[TinyDancer]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
 dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."