Joke of the Day

[TinyDancer]

These were actual answers given by contestants in the game show Family Feud:

 Name something a blind person might use - A sword
 Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
 Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
 Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
 Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
 Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
 Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
 Name something that floats in the bath - Water
 Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
 Name something Red - My cardigan
 Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
 Name a famous royal - Mail
 A number you have to memorize - 7
 Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
 Something you put on walls - Roofs
 Something in the garden that's green - Shed
 Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with
wings Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
 Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
 Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
 Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
 Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
 Something associated with the police - Pigs
 A sign of the zodiac - April
 Something slippery - A conman
 A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
 A food that can be brown or white - Potato
 A jacket potato topping - Jam
 A famous Scotsman - Jockv
 Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
 Something with a hole in it - Window
 A non living object with legs - Plant
 A domestic animal - Leopard
 A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
 A way of cooking fish - Cod
 Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels

[GEMINIGUY]

Hey, at least three of those were good answers. :^) lol

[TinyDancer]

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well-informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

[Well Behaved Lady]

The above joke has nothing whatsoever to do with my recent poem

[GEMINIGUY]

He should have said "My Child, what is it at Psalm 129 you wish me to remember?"

[Well Behaved Lady]

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty

Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?
Wataaaaah!

[TinyDancer]

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

[TinyDancer]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

 Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

 "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

[msslave]

I've always loved that joke.  Thanks for bringing it around again TD.

[redhatlover]

Have you participated in the recent phone surver that asks, "What would you do to people who take government money and do no work?"

The number one answer:  "Throw them out of office."

[GEMINIGUY]

TD seems like such a sweet girl, until she tells a joke. lol

[Katiebee]

You used the wrong adjective. Earthy is the proper word GG, and she is still sweet.

[GEMINIGUY]

I'd only use "earthy" if I were a hippy. ;-)

[watasch]

Comedian Argus Hamilton:
     "The New York Times announced it will refuse to print the name Washington Redskins in its sports section. The editor says the name is associated with imperial conquest, cultural genocide and racism. From now on, the newspaper will simply refer to the team as the Redskins."

Much hoopla about team names.  Finally someone really saw what the issue was about!

[TinyDancer]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

[Elizabeth]

"What's long and hard and something a polish bride gets at her wedding?......
A last name......."

Okay, it was the best I could come up with.....
Love,
Liz

[Katiebee]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=3809792413185&fref=nf

This link is to a joke made into a video. You will enjoy it.

[licksnkissez]

A farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.
"No ,he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?!?"
"No , he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[TinyDancer]

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

 "Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

 Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

[msslave]