KRISTEN'S BOARD
Congratulations to 2024 Pervert of the Year Shiela_M and 2024 Author of the Year Writers Bloque!

News:

Joke of the Day

Guest · 361608

« previous next »
Pages: 1 ... 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 ... 262   Go Down

0 Members and 3 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline msslave

  • Co-POY 2019
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 8,862
    • Woos/Boos: +1385/-3
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2540 on: July 28, 2014, 11:21:16 PM
When I went to lunch today I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out so I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'
I  said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!!'

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline TheciaMarie

  • Deviant
  • ****
    • Posts: 405
    • Woos/Boos: +126/-1
    • Gender: Female
Reply #2541 on: July 31, 2014, 04:57:16 PM
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."

The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.

They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

I thought I was into bestiality and necrophilia until I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

Offline Kira1993

  • New Pervert
  • *
    • Posts: 33
    • Woos/Boos: +3/-0
    • Gender: Female
  • Call me: 'Smiley K' :)
Reply #2542 on: July 31, 2014, 10:38:40 PM
Id like to see if anyone at my church would do that.  :emot_laughing:

 :emot_kiss:'s,
Kourtney

Whoever said "Money cant buy you happiness" never owned a horse!

Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2543 on: August 02, 2014, 02:25:09 AM
I recently sold my first novel. I ended up making an embarrassing amount of money. [Except that's a fucking lie, I wasn't embarrassed one bit.]

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline Katiebee

  • Shield Maiden POY 2018
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,197
    • Woos/Boos: +946/-14
    • Gender: Female
  • Achieving world domination, one body at a time.
Reply #2544 on: August 02, 2014, 05:35:39 AM
Embarrassingly large? Or embarrassingly small?

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Offline Lippy

  • Total freak
  • *****
    • Posts: 515
    • Woos/Boos: +172/-0
    • Gender: Female
Reply #2545 on: August 02, 2014, 08:34:50 AM
I experienced an embarrassing incident at a family barbecue last week. I was sat in the garden enjoying the sunshine with my Aunt and Uncle when 2 pigeons landed nearby. All of a sudden one of them jumped on top of the other and they started fucking on the picnic table.

Even the pigeons didn't seem to know which way to look


Offline vinney

  • POM - March 2012 - October 2014 - December 2015 - POY 2015
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,852
    • Woos/Boos: +949/-3
    • Gender: Male
  • Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.
Reply #2546 on: August 03, 2014, 12:24:14 AM
    THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED BY AN IRISHMAN
   
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland!

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2547 on: August 03, 2014, 11:32:56 PM
Loved that one!

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline msslave

  • Co-POY 2019
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 8,862
    • Woos/Boos: +1385/-3
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2548 on: August 05, 2014, 02:53:51 PM
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
 
Her golf pro Jim saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
'Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?'
 
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
 
'Where?', he asked.
 
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
 
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline insatiable

  • Freakishly Strange
  • ******
    • Posts: 2,602
    • Woos/Boos: +558/-2
    • Gender: Female
  • Insatiably Insatiable.
Reply #2549 on: August 07, 2014, 10:43:12 PM
A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.”She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash. The doctor replies ,“Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

« Last Edit: August 07, 2014, 10:45:14 PM by insatiable »

Something about something by someone important.

Offline vinney

  • POM - March 2012 - October 2014 - December 2015 - POY 2015
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,852
    • Woos/Boos: +949/-3
    • Gender: Male
  • Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.
Reply #2550 on: August 21, 2014, 11:32:26 PM
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester.
 
There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America . I politely declined to take one. There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
 
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
 
The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
 
God Bless America...

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline vinney

  • POM - March 2012 - October 2014 - December 2015 - POY 2015
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,852
    • Woos/Boos: +949/-3
    • Gender: Male
  • Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.
Reply #2551 on: August 21, 2014, 11:42:55 PM
The Queen is in Glasgow and she bumps into Alex Salmond.

HM:  How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS:  Nice to see you too Ma’am.   Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?   How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?

HM:  No, we don’t like that.

AS:  Empire, and I'll be Emperor?

HM: No, not that either.

AS:  Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?

HM:  No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country...

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2552 on: August 22, 2014, 03:44:20 AM
A guy walks out of the mens room and a girl says "Sir, your garage door is open.
He says "Did you like the Harley inside?"
She repiles "All I saw was a mini bike with two flat tires."

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline Hoss

  • Total freak
  • *****
    • Posts: 631
    • Woos/Boos: +88/-2
    • Gender: Male
  • Desperate is not a sexual preference....
Reply #2553 on: August 22, 2014, 07:08:11 AM
Not being a US citizen, I have no feelings one way or the other about the content...if you feel insulted, just substitute the name of a prominenet Republican....  :roll:

        President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
         
        Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
         
        Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
         
        Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc.,
                      I must insist on seeing ID."
         
        Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
         
        Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
         
        Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"
         
        Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his wedge and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup.
                      With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
                     “Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
                     So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
         
        Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”

        Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...

Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2554 on: August 22, 2014, 09:23:10 AM
Can we substitute some other Democrats' name? Or maybe an independent's?

Ross Perot walked into... ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline redhatlover

  • Freakishly Strange
  • ******
    • Posts: 2,842
    • Woos/Boos: +255/-3
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2555 on: August 22, 2014, 02:24:47 PM
Quote from: Geminiguy on August 22, 2014, 09:23:10 AM
Can we substitute some other Democrats' name? Or maybe an independent's?

Ross Perot walked into... ;-)

C'mom G-Guy!  Ross Perot??  He owns the whole damn bank!

I am like Charlie the Tuna.  I don't want women with good taste, I want women who taste good.

Offline Katiebee

  • Shield Maiden POY 2018
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 12,197
    • Woos/Boos: +946/-14
    • Gender: Female
  • Achieving world domination, one body at a time.
Reply #2556 on: August 22, 2014, 03:07:20 PM
Even more reason not to cash his check!

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Offline msslave

  • Co-POY 2019
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *******
    • Posts: 8,862
    • Woos/Boos: +1385/-3
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2557 on: August 22, 2014, 10:56:22 PM
A man and his wife moved back home to North Dakota from Arizona ..
 
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!
When they arrived in North Dakota , they went to Sven's Insurance agency to
see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
 
Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00. "
 
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in North Dakota to
insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona ! ! !
 
Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here is it on
the screen, direct from Ole's North Dakota Fire Insurance Company , it says:
Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00".
 
I always did find North Dakota logic far superior to most others.
 

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline GEMINIGUY

  • "I'm Rockin' My Life Away..."
  • GG
  • Burnt at the stake
  • *****
    • Posts: 18,543
    • Woos/Boos: +514/-59
    • Gender: Male
Reply #2558 on: August 23, 2014, 05:00:50 PM
lol That was crazy! Good ol' Sven!

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

TinyDancer

  • Guest
Reply #2559 on: August 23, 2014, 05:26:41 PM
That was funny, thanks for posting.


Pages: 1 ... 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 ... 262   Go Up
« previous next »