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Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2400 on: April 14, 2014, 08:46:45 PM
Some people will do ANYTHING to get a job! :P

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Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline TheciaMarie

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Reply #2401 on: April 15, 2014, 04:20:15 PM

Laugh Of The Day!

             
             
            Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

            One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantag es However, he wrote:

            1) It is perfect formula for the child.
            2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
            3) It is always the right temperature.
            4) It is inexpensive.
            5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
            6) It is always available as needed.
            And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

            7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high
            enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

            He got an A.
             

 

I thought I was into bestiality and necrophilia until I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

Offline msslave

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Reply #2402 on: April 15, 2014, 05:40:02 PM
Good one TheciaMarie.  :D  This lad has the makings of a good politician.

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Offline Katiebee

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Reply #2403 on: April 16, 2014, 08:34:53 PM
You have to understand that technology is so amazing to us.  We have to learn to work with it.

Texting, for instance:

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon while shopping the wife decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise.


Isn't that so sweet?

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2404 on: April 17, 2014, 12:11:06 AM
Depends on whether he's doing number one or number two... :P

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Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline anvil

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Reply #2405 on: April 17, 2014, 12:21:08 AM


 

 

Fred & ol’ Butch

 

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pullet Surprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.





Deus subrisum stultusi et ferrari

Janus

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Reply #2406 on: April 17, 2014, 04:26:05 AM
Quote from: Elizabeth on April 09, 2014, 03:31:54 PM
Quote from: msslave on April 09, 2014, 12:13:57 PM
Janus approaches a woman standing on the railing of the bridge. What are you doing ? She replies, "I have nothing to live for.....". The man asks... "lets have sex before you jump". Forelorn woman yells "You are a pervert.... I want nothing to do with you!"
Homeless man replies.... "suit yourself, I'll just wait for you down below".


EEEEEWWWWWWWW.........
Love,
Liz


I thought it was a cute joke. It certainly wasn't offensive.

Thanks for thinking about me.  :D


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2407 on: April 17, 2014, 05:31:08 AM
Then you should re-read the joke Janus, because I agree with. -hurls-

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Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline TheciaMarie

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Reply #2408 on: April 17, 2014, 08:27:58 PM
 A Prayer for Holy Week

 

 

 

Dear God,

We ask you to please watch over the poor unfortunate man

who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

and now cannot leave his girlfriend's apartment.

Amen     

I thought I was into bestiality and necrophilia until I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

Offline vinney

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Reply #2409 on: April 18, 2014, 12:58:51 AM
Wasn't the unfortunate man lucky... or not...?

vinney

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline msslave

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Reply #2410 on: April 18, 2014, 12:27:16 PM
Two Trees and a Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the    birch, 'Is
that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands othe
sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2411 on: April 18, 2014, 08:37:52 PM
So much for a clean joke, lol ;-)

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Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline vinney

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Reply #2412 on: April 20, 2014, 04:05:22 PM
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline TheciaMarie

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Reply #2413 on: April 23, 2014, 03:11:18 PM
>>
>> Subject: Nick The Dragon Slayer
>>
>> Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
>> 
>> The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching. powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their. chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
>> 
>> Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
>>
>> The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!!
 
 

I thought I was into bestiality and necrophilia until I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

Offline msslave

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Reply #2414 on: April 23, 2014, 03:25:15 PM
Good moral, Thecia. 

But, what if Nick is Bi?  This is a perv board ya know :emot_laughing:

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Offline Katiebee

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Reply #2415 on: April 23, 2014, 03:57:37 PM
Horatio didn't give him the antidote for the King.

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Offline msslave

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Reply #2416 on: April 23, 2014, 04:18:17 PM
Oh, right.  OK, bi/masochist

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Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2417 on: April 24, 2014, 01:37:37 PM
Two blondes go fishing. They row their boat out to what the figure is a good spot and drop their lines.
But they catch nothing.
Hours pass. "Let's try another spot."
So they row elsewhere.
They catch a lot of fish.
"This is great! We need to come back to this spot again!"
"Yeah! Let's mark this spot!"
So they mark the bottom of the boat.

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline msslave

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Reply #2418 on: April 24, 2014, 05:28:32 PM
HAH!  I had those gals beat.  I'd throw a plastic bottle out to mark my spot.  Nobody told me I was suppose to anchor it to the bottom of the lake.

When I lived "Up North" in Minnesota, old Earl, a well know rascal, came into the bait shop with an 10 pound walleye.  Gus, the local game warden was there and everyone remarked about what a great catch Earl had.  Asked where he caught the fish, Earl said, "I was out on Puposky Lake, north of town.

The game warden scoffed and said that lake could never produce a walleye that big.  Earl had to defend his honor and told Gus he could come out with him and see for himself.

Next morning the pair were out on the lake.  Earl took them out to the center and said, "Let's get started."  With that, he opened his tackle box and took out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and tossed it in the water.

BOOOOOOOOOM!!!  Went the explosive.  A large spray of water drenched the two fishermen.  Around them were dozens of fish, stunned and blown to the surface.  Earl grabbed his net and started scooping them in.

Gus was speachless and ready to blow a gasket.  He told Earl he should arrest him on the spot.  It was illegal, unsportsman like, and, and.....

While the game warden was still sputtering, Earl took another stick of dynamite, lit it and handed it to Gus.

He said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2419 on: April 24, 2014, 08:53:04 PM
I guess i'll fish...lol

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Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

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