KRISTEN'S BOARD
Congratulations to 2024 Pervert of the Year Shiela_M and 2024 Author of the Year Writers Bloque!

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2180 on:** February 09, 2014, 06:47:43 AM

lol The Lesson: Choice your words more carefully

azuroge · **Reply #2181 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:07:48 AM

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!

azuroge · **Reply #2182 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:10:25 AM

"Hello, is this the SAP?" (South African Police)
"e-yes. What you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Fanie van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (marijuana) inside his firewood."
"e-yes ... Thank you for your co-opershun and informashun in combatting crime and violence, in our society ser."

The next day, the SAP descended on Fanie's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Fanie and leave.

"Hey, Fanie! Did the SAP come?"
"Ja"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"....Ja....."

"Happy Birthday Boet!"

azuroge · **Reply #2183 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:13:27 AM

During the game of cricket, Coach Rogers called aside little Dave and asked him, "Tell me Dave, you you understand the words co-operation and teamwork?"

Dave nodded in the affirmative.

The coach asked again, "Do you agree that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

Dave nodded in agreement.

Coach Rogers continued, "Then I am sure you would agree that when a batsman is given out, he shouldn't shout at or argue with the umpire, or call him names. Do you agree to that?"

Little Dave nodded in the affirmative again.

Coach Rogers went on, "And when I take you out of the game so another kid gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsman-spirit to call your coach "a moron or

lunatic" is it?'

Dave shook his head 'No'.

"Good", said coach Rogers, "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother

azuroge · **Reply #2184 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:15:13 AM

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls

azuroge · **Reply #2185 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:16:27 AM

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'

azuroge · **Reply #2186 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:22:49 AM

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2187 on:** February 09, 2014, 09:18:17 AM

Jack wasn't thinking ahead. Leaving her handcuffed like that he won't like what he finds when he gets back... ;-)

TinyDancer · **Reply #2188 on:** February 09, 2014, 11:25:06 AM

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

azuroge · **Reply #2189 on:** February 09, 2014, 06:16:18 PM

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

azuroge · **Reply #2190 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:29:47 PM

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - enough times and eventually her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile..

"Thank goodness.....

I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot

azuroge · **Reply #2191 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:30:57 PM

Edited This post and removed a repost:

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

azuroge · **Reply #2192 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:47:27 PM

Quote from: Farmer Miles on February 09, 2014, 07:43:43 PM

Quote from: azuroge on February 09, 2014, 07:30:57 PM
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'

Déjà vu?

crap i meant to post the other one. hahaha Fail

azuroge · **Reply #2193 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:49:40 PM

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. "How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor. "Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help." So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts. One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?" "Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed. "is there....," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there anything else you'd like?" "As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel. "What?" Ruby asked breathlessly. Mendel licked his lips. "Got any chocolate chip cookies?"

azuroge · **Reply #2194 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:54:39 PM

A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.

"Here boy," said the farmer.

azuroge · **Reply #2195 on:** February 09, 2014, 07:59:22 PM

Schalk burst into Van's room to find Van standing on a chair with a rope around his waist and the end of the rope around the ceiling beam.
"Hey Van, what do you think you're doing?" said Schalk.
"I'm committing suicide," replied Van.
"Well you're going about it all wrong," said Schalk. "You're supposed to tie the rope around your neck, not our waist."
"Man, but I tried that yesterday and I nearly choked."

azuroge · **Reply #2196 on:** February 09, 2014, 08:01:21 PM

Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts.
He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of him and he walks over to the man and asks him what he’s doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” says the man.
“Why on earth are you doing that?” asks Bill.
“Because I’m a divorce lawyer.” replies the man.

Hoss · **Reply #2197 on:** February 10, 2014, 02:19:37 AM

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'"Where to?" he stammered.

"Vale Road," answered the woman.

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"

"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2198 on:** February 10, 2014, 10:42:15 AM

OUCH! Big mistake! lol

azuroge · **Reply #2199 on:** February 10, 2014, 05:26:33 PM

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants"

Joke of the Day

TinyDancer