Joke of the Day

[GEMINIGUY]

That was part of it...

[azuroge]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result.

He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got FIVE tickets in the mail......for driving WITHOUT A SEAT BELT......

[azuroge]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

[GEMINIGUY]

It'll grow back.

[vinney]

I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.

When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.

Vinney was innocent... not...! 

vinney

[TinyDancer]

LOL, Katiebee was blushing thinking of you in that provocative pose, wearing revealing clothing.  Vinney has that innocent act down pat!   

[vinney]

LOL, Katiebee was blushing thinking of you in that provocative pose, wearing revealing clothing.  Vinney has that innocent act down pat!   

  Aw shucks... You go me...Just need to improve my innocence act then...

vinney

[Elizabeth]

I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.

When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.

Standing by Tiny with my top unbuttoned..looking "very very innocent".
  
Love,
Liz

[vinney]

I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.

When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.

Standing by Tiny with my top unbuttoned..looking "very very innocent".
  
Love,
Liz

And I was looking very very innocently at a very very innocent (REALLY?) Liz... waiting for the lights to go down again and then... 

Love
vinney

[Elizabeth]

I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.

When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.

Standing by Tiny with my top unbuttoned..looking "very very innocent".
  
Love,
Liz

And I was looking very very innocently at a very very innocent (REALLY?) Liz... waiting for the lights to go down again and then... 

Love
vinney

Vinney, if you frickin get near me, you are going to die!!!
and IT will be a horrible death!!!
Love,
Liz

[vinney]

I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.

When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.

Standing by Tiny with my top unbuttoned..looking "very very innocent".
  
Love,
Liz

And I was looking very very innocently at a very very innocent (REALLY?) Liz... waiting for the lights to go down again and then... 

Love
vinney

Vinney, if you frickin get near me, you are going to die!!!
and IT will be a horrible death!!!
Love,
Liz

Oh la la... promises... promises... 
Love
vinney

[azuroge]

I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.

When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.

Standing by Tiny with my top unbuttoned..looking "very very innocent".
  
Love,
Liz

And I was looking very very innocently at a very very innocent (REALLY?) Liz... waiting for the lights to go down again and then... 

Love
vinney

Vinney, if you frickin get near me, you are going to die!!!
and IT will be a horrible death!!!
Love,
Liz

Since my pants are already down, I'll just take a shot of tequila and go wank off in a corner while watching you guys look very very innocent. 

[msslave]

msslave walks into the same bar and sees all the wierdness going on.  Remembers he doesn't drink anyway and leave before his pants are pulled down.

[Elizabeth]

LOL....Too Funnnyyyy.
I love what msslave said......
Love,
Liz
 

[azuroge]

msslave walks into the same bar and sees all the wierdness going on.  Remembers he doesn't drink anyway and leave before his pants are pulled down.

Vinney stops msslave at the door and pulls his pants down.  

[azuroge]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'

I bet you're gonna read this again!

[azuroge]

I got pulled over the other day when the policeman took my details.

"Occupation?" he asked.

"Asshole stretcher" I replied.

"Really?" he asked sarcastically, "and what does an asshole stretcher do?"

I said "Well first I insert a butt plug into your ass and leave it there for a few days until your ass muscles relax. Then I put in a bigger butt plug, leave it there for a week, then a bigger butt plug, it can take up to 3 months to stretch your ass up to six feet."

"And what would anyone do with a six foot ass hole?" he asked.

"Normally they give them a squad car and a uniform" I replied, "The rest comes naturally."

[azuroge]

YOU GOTTA "Always" TRUST YOUR HUSBAND
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband
For example ... A wife comes home late at night early from being out of
town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once
she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine."Hi Honey", he says,
"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’ ?”

[Hoss]

Male  Sensitivity Self-Assessment Test
 
 
1. In the  company of females, intercourse should be referred to  as:
 
A. Lovemaking 
B.  Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin rocket to  tuna-town

 
2. You should  make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both  shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual  relationship
B.  Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila  slammers

 
3. You time  your orgasm so that:
 
A. Your partner  climaxes first
B.  You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports  Center

4.  Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: 
 
A. Healthy,  creative love-play
B.  Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to
C. Not the  sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about 

 
5. Spending the  whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: 
 
A. The best  part of the experience
B.  The second best part of the experience
C. $100  extra
 
6. Your  wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her  that it is:
 
A. Of no  influence on your affectionate feelings for her 
B.  Not a problem; she can join your gym
C. A conservative  estimate

 7.. You think  today's sensitive, caring man is:
 
A. A  myth
B. An  oxymoron
C. A moron

8. Foreplay is  to sex as:

A. An appetizer  is to entree
B.  Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride 


9. Which of the  following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a  relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends." 
B. "I'm not  available right now, please leave a message at the tone."
C.  "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU." 

  10. A woman who  is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably  needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of  intimacy
B. Is  uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you  on the bus in the first place

 
Here is how to  self-evaluate your results:
 
If you answered  "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a  man.

If you answered  "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little  confused.

If you answered  "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!

[azuroge]

Two old friends bumped into one another on the street one day. One of them looked forlorn, almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What has the world done to you, my old friend?" The sad fellow said, "Three weeks ago,an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's a lot of money."

"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew died, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you've been blessed...."

"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

Now he was really confused. "Then, why do you look so glum?"

"This week... nothing