Joke of the Day

[vinney]

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Queen Elizabeth and  Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and  I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about ?  I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in ! Would you explain that to me ?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush beats a Pair no matter how big they are.

[GEMINIGUY]

Roseanne: Dan, you need more Life Insurance.

Dan: No I don't, I have enough.

Roseanne: No you don't. Like, if you die and stuff, you know, i wanna grieve in Tahiti.

[TheciaMarie]

Jewish Rye bread. Who knew.............
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.  The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.  You'll feel like 40 again!"

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.  As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.  He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.  Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

[GEMINIGUY]

Hell, i didn't know either! lol

[NicoleDoes]

One day Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandma's house with a basket of
goodies in hand. She's wearing her usual red skirt, red blouse, red cape and
hood, even down to her little red panties. It's a bright and sunny day, and she
doesn't have a care in the world.

As she's entering the forest, a squirrel pops out of a tree, looks at her and
says, "I wouldn't go into those woods if I were you Red. It's dangerous in
there."

"Why is it so dangerous?" asks Little Red Riding Hood.

"Because the Big Bad Wolf is in there. And he's gonna pull up your little red
skirt, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off."

Little Red Riding Hood pulls a big gun out of her basket and says, "I think I
can take care of wolfie."

Putting the gun back in the basket, she skips into the woods with the squirrel wishing her luck. As she gets deeper into the woods, a raccoon wanders out from behind a tree and says, "I wouldn't go into those woods if I were you Red. It's dangerous in
there."

"Why is it so dangerous?" asks Little Red Riding Hood.

"Because the Big Bad Wolf is in there. And he's gonna pull up your little red
skirt, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off."

Little Red Riding Hood pulls a big gun out of her basket and says, "Like I told
Mr. Squirrel... I can take care of wolfie..."

"Well, I wish you luck..." says the raccoon, who waves goodby as he goes on his
way.

Back goes the gun into the basket and deeper into the woods goes Little Red
Riding Hood. When she gets far into the woods, Red spots the Big Bad Wolf leaning against a tree and leering at her. "You know who I am, don't you?" says the Wolf.

"You're the Big Bad Wolf, aren't you?" asks Little Red Riding Hood.

"Yeah," replies the Big Bad Wolf, "And I'm gonna grab you, pull up your little
red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks
off."

"No," says Red, pulling the gun from the basket and pointing it at his face,
"you're gonna eat me first, then screw me."

[GEMINIGUY]

Seems like a reasonable "request" to me...

[TinyDancer]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.


Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies,
'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'


'You dumber than buffalo shit.
It means someone stole the tent.'

[msslave]

The Lone Ranger was clueless at times.  Once, He and Tonto were surrounded by Indians (Native Americans for PC ppl).   Turning to Tonto he said,  "Looks like we're really in trouble this time".  To which Tonto replied, "What do you mean We"?

[TinyDancer]

Sean goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."   

The Priest says, "Is that you, Sean?"   

"Yes, Father, it is I."   

"Who was the woman you were with?"   

"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."   

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"   

"No, Father."   

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"   

"No, Father."   

"Was it Ann Brown?"   

"No, Father, I cannot tell you."   

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins.
Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Mary's."   

Sean goes back to his pew and his buddy Mike slides over and asks, "What happened?"   

Sean replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Mary's and three good leads."

[TheciaMarie]

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them.
 
 One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President.  Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head. 

The agent then says "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!"
 
  So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."
 
  He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field.
 
  She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing.
 
The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding,and high-fiving.  Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right,
 I would have never believed that!"
 
  Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.
 
 The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first ........PITCH!!!"

[TheciaMarie]

>
> CARDIOLOGIST'S   FUNERAL
>
> This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.
>
> A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.
>
> A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
>
> At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry.  I was just thinking of my own funeral.  I'm a gynecologist!'
>
> The priest fainted!
 

[msslave]

Subject: Investment Tips for 2014..................



 
For those of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
 
Watch for these consolidations in 2014:

    1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

    2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:     Poly, Warner Cracker.

    3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

    4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

    5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

    6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

    7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

    8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
 

And finally....
 

    9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTitty-BangBang.

[GEMINIGUY]

Great jokes today! I'm still laughing!

[smugdingus]

 A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
 
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
 
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
 
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[GEMINIGUY]

OUCH!!!

[msslave]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
 
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
 
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
 
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
 
 
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over  ...women like that are hard to find."
 
 
 
 
 
 

[azuroge]

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.

The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."

The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."

She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

[Well Behaved Lady]

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband
always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning,
and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that
cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"

The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

[azuroge]

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step, you will be killed." The woman stopped and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.

A few minutes later, she was ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed "Halt! Don’t cross the street now". An out-of-control beer truck soon screeched around the corner and didn't even slowdown as it ran the red light.

Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel." replied the voice. "And I imagine you have some questions for me".

"You bet," the woman said, "Where were you on my wedding day?"

[GEMINIGUY]

Msslave, Azuroge, great, hilarious stuff!