KRISTEN'S BOARD
Congratulations to 2024 Pervert of the Year Shiela_M and 2024 Author of the Year Writers Bloque!

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2080 on:** January 18, 2014, 05:07:01 PM

I don't think there are many Jewish mothers on here if any... ;-)

TinyDancer · **Reply #2081 on:** January 20, 2014, 01:19:28 PM

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding

redhatlover · **Reply #2082 on:** January 20, 2014, 03:16:25 PM

Quote from: TinyDancer on January 20, 2014, 01:19:28 PM

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding

And that's when the fight started!

vinney · **Reply #2083 on:** January 20, 2014, 06:40:28 PM

DRINKING IN GALWAY

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me wife quite a few times."

msslave · **Reply #2084 on:** January 20, 2014, 06:46:56 PM

Warning - Groaner Alert

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

smugdingus · **Reply #2085 on:** January 21, 2014, 01:27:13 AM

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

FIVE Other Simple Truths:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2086 on:** January 21, 2014, 02:55:39 AM

Great jokes, msslave and smugdingus!

Dgan · **Reply #2087 on:** January 22, 2014, 08:37:49 PM

At a retirement center in Florida, several seniors were sitting around talking about their ailments.

“My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another, “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn't even punch the ballot at the last election my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! I can’t hear you people!” called a fourth.

“I can’t turn my head because of this arthritis in my neck, said a fifth to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy!” exclaimed an older woman.

“I forgot where am and where I’m going. What are we talking about again?” said yet another.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an elderly as he shook his head slowly and grimaced.

The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, we should all count our blessings!” said one old woman who couldn't even stand, “and we should thank God that we can all still drive!”

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2088 on:** January 22, 2014, 08:50:12 PM

Remind me to stay out of Florida! lol

Well Behaved Lady · **Reply #2089 on:** January 23, 2014, 04:22:14 PM

While tending to her housework, a woman asks her husband

"Will you please fix the cabinet in the kitchen? It's been barely holding on to it's hinges for weeks now."

He replies "Does it say 'carpenter' on my forehead?"

Surprised, she lets it go and returns to her housework. As she begins to clean the bathroom, she notices that the lever is getting stuck. She yells from the bathroom,

"Honey, the toilet's lever is stuck again! Can you fix it?"

She comes into the living room to find him reading the paper. He responds to the puzzled look on her face with...

"Do I have "plumber" written on my forehead?"

The next day, her husband comes home from work to find the Cabinet fixed, the toilet fixed, and a chipper spouse making the bed in the master bedroom.

"Who fixed everything?"

"A kind young gentleman came by today, said he was a handyman and asked if I needed anything done around the house. When he finished, he said I couldn't pay him with cash because I don't keep it around the house. He mentioned that was fine and that I could pay him by sucking his dick or cooking him a good meal."

"What did you cook for him?"

"Does it say "chef" of my forehead?"

vinney · **Reply #2090 on:** January 23, 2014, 05:17:20 PM

Wubble... good one...

vinney

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2091 on:** January 23, 2014, 07:26:07 PM

Husband and wives. The fodder from many, many, many jokes.

TheciaMarie · **Reply #2092 on:** January 24, 2014, 04:46:24 PM

A government survey crew came to Ole's farm one Fall day and asked permission to enter his property. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at lunch time.

The next Spring, the crew returned and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter."

Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"

The surveyors said, "Well, after reviewing our work here, we discovered that your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!"

Ole looked at Lena and replied to the surveyors, "That's the best news I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."

msslave · **Reply #2093 on:** January 24, 2014, 06:52:25 PM

Very good, TheciaMari. I'm not sure how many more Minnsota winters I have left in me.

More and more, I keep remembering what my Dad used to say about hating winter and snow. His plan was to put a snow shovel over his shoulder and start walking south. He'd keep walking, until someone came up to him and said, "Hey Mister, what's that thing on your shoulder?". That would be where he'd stop and settle.

redhatlover · **Reply #2094 on:** January 24, 2014, 07:11:46 PM

They say Eskimos have over 100 words for snow. Michiganders do too, but they all begin with the letters "F" or "G"!

TheciaMarie · **Reply #2095 on:** January 25, 2014, 08:42:28 PM

SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE HUMOR

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.22 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by two points: The question was:
Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa ! Who knew?

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on withhis girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said "Her brother's got a mustache."

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2096 on:** January 26, 2014, 12:26:35 AM

Great jokes, Thecia! I'm still laughing...

vinney · **Reply #2097 on:** January 26, 2014, 12:50:52 AM

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me, he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE FOR A MEETING.

vinney · **Reply #2098 on:** January 26, 2014, 12:57:09 AM

Only the English will understand this...

An Englishman goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter
addressed to 'Mum and Dad' on the bed.
With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:

Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend.

I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the forest.

He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.
I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.

In the meantime we'll pray to Allah for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn $200 per scene. I get a $200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra $100 for the deer.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself.

Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Sandra

P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at the neighbours.
I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes.

vinney · **Reply #2099 on:** January 26, 2014, 01:02:46 AM

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the  Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in  Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.  The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully  expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high  standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of  anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.  Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic  industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance  of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum  of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.  All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay  disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis  will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy  and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.  Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will  still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by  "Hi, Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different  languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask  permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White  Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook  from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.  She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the  Navy" by the Village People.  Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to  ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation  from Brussels." His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

Joke of the Day

TinyDancer