Joke of the Day

[Well Behaved Lady]

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.

[GEMINIGUY]

Well that's explains A LOT lol

[Lippy]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are on a plane flying across Europe when all of a sudden there is a mighty explosion and the planes fuselage blows off leaving all 3 hanging on the wing.

Alarmed at what is going to happen, all of a sudden the 3 hear a yelling from the pilot saying that he should still be able to land the plane, just in order to do so he needs to balance the weight of the plane out, and to do so one of them will have to let go and fall off.

After much pondering finally the Englishman pipes up and says
"Ok, I'll do it, but on one condition",
"Whats that?" the other 2 ask,
"I'll do it as long as I can sing a song first,"

of course the other 2 are happily going to let the guy sing a song before he plummets to his death so they give him the nod.
The Englishman clears his throat and starts off,
"If your Irish and you know it clap your hands!



Paddy was taking a walk in the country. In a field he noticed something that intrigued him. Why doesn't this cow have any horns?

He asked the local farmer.

"Well sir, cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don't have any horns at all," the farmer replied.

The farmer continued, "But this cow doesn't have any horns because it is a horse!"

[insatiable]

This one is from the Twins,

Ever imagined why is our ass is split vertically?

Because if it were split horizontally, it would clap when we would run down the stairs!








P.S.  Now stop imagining things you sick Perverts.

[Janus]

Hahahaha.....That was a good one.

Could you imagine what a toilet would look like?

[Hoss]

Golf Pro's Suggestion
         
'Well, what should I do?' asked the man.

'Hold the club gently,' the pro replied, 'just like you'd hold your wife's breast.'

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson.

The pro watched her swing and said, 'No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.'

'What can I do?' asked the wife.

'Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.'

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

'You know, that was a lot better than I expected,' the pro said.

Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.

[Well Behaved Lady]

12 Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me...


Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2003

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2003

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2003

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2003

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2003

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2003

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2003

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2003

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2003

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2003

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

[TheciaMarie]

Woman:

Do you drink beer?

 

Man: Yes

 

Woman:

How many beers a day?

 

Man:

Usually about 3

 

Woman:

How much do you pay per beer?

 

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

 

(This is where it gets scary !)

 

Woman:

And how long have you been drinking?

 

Man:

About 20 years, I suppose

 

Woman:

So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

 

Man:

Correct

 

Woman:

If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past

20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

 

Man:

Correct

 

Woman:

Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account

and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

 

Man:

Do you drink beer?

 

Woman:

No

 

Man:

Where’s your Ferrari?

[gomez38555]

A young man goes to  his father asking for a car of his own. 
The father tells his son, "I'll need to see an improvement in your grades at school.  I also want to see you help out more around the house, without being told what to do.  You'll also need a job, gas and insurance isn't free son, and I want you to get a hair cut.  You do these things, and I'll be wiling to talk about it."

Several months go by and the son approaches his father once again, with the same request.
His father replies "well son, I'm proud to see your grades have really improved at school. Your mother tells me you've been a big help for her around here, and to be honest, that boss of yours cant seem to say enough good things about you, but you still haven't gotten a hair cut."

"But dad Jesus had long hair" his son responds

"Son, Jesus walked everywhere"

[GEMINIGUY]

Funny stuff!

[TheciaMarie]

An Irish Prostitute & The Engineer in Hell...

An Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?Why didn't ye call?Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!

You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this

luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion,

plus a 5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition

convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ...

(takes a breath)

... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve

on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death,

girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,

accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell.

Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[GEMINIGUY]

Another Protestant joke, lol
Loved the Engineer in Hell joke. Where's Toe the lawyer when you need him?

[gomez38555]

A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover.
Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife "Honey, there's a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife."

 He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye.
After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too.

His son is in the kitchen and as he's eating this huge breakfast,  the guy asks the son what all this is about.

Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she was trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said "get off me lady, I'm married."

[gomez38555]

Understanding Engineers - Take One


Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Two


To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Three


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'

The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

He said, 'Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Four


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Five


The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'

The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'

[Katiebee]

A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover.
Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife "Honey, there's a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife."

 He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye.
After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too.

His son is in the kitchen and as he's eating this huge breakfast,  the guy asks the son what all this is about.

Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she was trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said "get off me lady, I'm married."

Saved by a chance statement.

[gomez38555]

A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover.
Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife "Honey, there's a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife."

 He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye.
After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too.

His son is in the kitchen and as he's eating this huge breakfast,  the guy asks the son what all this is about.

Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she was trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said "get off me lady, I'm married."

Saved by a chance statement.

I like to think he is a committed husband.  Of course, most husbands need to be committed. 

[GEMINIGUY]

Good one, Gomez.
Loved the Engineer jokes as well.

[Janus]

A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along."
~unknown~

[TinyDancer]

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.
 The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
 The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."
 The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

 The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."
 So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."
 The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

 Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."
 The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"
 The man says, "A Bud Light please."
 The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"
 The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

[gomez38555]

I hate new socks.
They always leave lint on the bottom of your feet.

Which of course ends up on the sheets.

Which somehow ends up on the bottom of my ball sack.

Which of course my wife bitches about when it gets on her tongue,
interrupting a perfectly good blow job!

DAMN I hate new socks.