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Offline DemonDelight

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Reply #2000 on: November 26, 2013, 11:28:16 PM
Omg Lippy, that one made me choke on my water! Good find! I wish I could Woo you twice!



Offline Katiebee

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Reply #2001 on: November 27, 2013, 12:11:11 AM
Leave it to the Irish to take it to the simplist application.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.


Offline Katiebee

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Reply #2002 on: November 27, 2013, 04:34:22 AM
The Aussies would have consumed more beer. Same conclusion though.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.


Offline Well Behaved Lady

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Reply #2003 on: November 27, 2013, 05:53:35 PM
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”



Offline Lippy

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Reply #2004 on: November 29, 2013, 04:18:44 PM
One day a father and his five year old son went to the bank to cash a cheque. There were a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well dressed business lady. The kid could not help but notice her size.

"Dad look at her! She is so huge!"

The father replied, "Be quiet! You must be polite and don't hurt her feelings."

The kid persisted, "But dad she must weigh as much as a truck!"

The father, rather embarrassed, said, "Stop it or I'll take you outside!"

Just about then the ladies pager goes off ... "beep... beep... beep..."

The kid screams, "Dad look out! She's backing up!"



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2005 on: November 29, 2013, 08:41:21 PM
lol A comedian told that joke a long, long time ago. He said it was him and his nephew, his nephew was getting fidgety. The comedian said she had "a little head" and "a biiiiiiigggg butt" with visual aids. :P

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Offline Cats Whiskers

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Reply #2006 on: November 29, 2013, 09:07:36 PM
It's not very funny, but it is very old...
__

One day Martin comes home from school. His Mother asks him what he's learnt that day.

"Spelling lessons." Martin says. "But I had difficulty spelling one word."

"What word dear?"

"Clitoris."

"It's spelt c l i t oh, go ask your Father!"

So Martin goes to ask his Father.

"Dad, how do you spell clitoris?"

"Err. C l i t o r, ah why didn't you ask me earlier when I had it on the tip of my tongue!"

My stories can be found here


Offline vinney

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Reply #2007 on: November 30, 2013, 12:37:16 PM
A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her
little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As
she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the
qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but, still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident',

She asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to
shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline Lippy

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Reply #2008 on: December 07, 2013, 04:38:01 PM
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener' 'I didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'.

Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts.'

I KNEW IT! ...... I'M NOT FUCKING GOING.'



Offline smugdingus

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Reply #2009 on: December 08, 2013, 05:57:51 AM

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch
of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The mother superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are -- show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the mother superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2010 on: December 09, 2013, 03:24:23 PM
That cross was a tad bit too much, Sister ;-)
That tortoise story was crazy, lol

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2011 on: December 09, 2013, 11:03:38 PM
DID YOU KNOW DIARRHEA IS HEREDITARY?

YES. IT RUNS IN YOUR GENES [JEANS].

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline licksnkissez

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Reply #2012 on: December 10, 2013, 05:56:26 PM
A young woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about a rash on her chest. Upon examination, the doctor discovers the rash is in the shape of a 'Y'. The doctor asks the woman if she can think of anything which might explain it.

"Well," the woman replies, "it could be my boyfriend. You see, he goes to Yale and when we have sex he insists on wearing his letter sweater."

The doctor tells the woman to make her boyfriend take off the sweater before they have sex. Later that same day another woman comes in with a rash on her chest, this one in the shape of an 'H'.

When questioned, the woman explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard and insists on wearing his letter sweater when they have sex. The doctor gives the second woman the same advice as the first and sends he on her way. Later yet another woman comes into the office with a rash in the shape of an 'M'.

Before the woman can explain, the doctor exclaims, "I bet your boyfriend goes to Michigan!"

A smile breaks across the woman's face as she exclaims, "No, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin!"

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Janus

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Reply #2013 on: December 10, 2013, 06:05:24 PM
Nice one Licks



Offline Hoss

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Reply #2014 on: December 12, 2013, 05:58:40 AM


When my wife left, I was very sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog,
bought a new motorbike,
fucked two women
and blown a grand on drink .
She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...


Offline Hoss

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Reply #2015 on: December 12, 2013, 06:03:11 AM
 
I woke up swathed in bandages!
 
I worked out that I was in a hospital ICU, I had tubes entering different parts of my body,
there were wires monitoring every function, there was also this angelic nurse hovering over me.
 
It was obvious to me that I'd been in a very serious accident.

I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...


Offline Hoss

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Reply #2016 on: December 12, 2013, 06:04:30 AM
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.   In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.   The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.   When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
 
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you pay for the first two."
 
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said  Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman.  "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"  :emot_laughing:
 
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
 
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...


Offline insatiable

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Reply #2017 on: December 12, 2013, 11:12:37 AM

Something about something by someone important.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2018 on: December 12, 2013, 05:27:15 PM
Hilarious jokes, Hoss! WOO!

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Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline vinney

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Reply #2019 on: December 13, 2013, 12:39:59 PM
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.