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Offline vinney

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Reply #1960 on: November 18, 2013, 10:07:33 AM
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,
"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"

"What? Are you crazy!?"

He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."

She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."

At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."

At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,

"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #1961 on: November 18, 2013, 11:32:34 AM
lol I had thought he was just too loud! ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline Cats Whiskers

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Reply #1962 on: November 18, 2013, 02:37:32 PM
Quote from: vinney on November 18, 2013, 10:07:33 AM
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,
"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"

"What? Are you crazy!?"

He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."

She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."

At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."

At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,

"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"

ROTFLMAO!

This had me in stitches! Best laugh I've had in ages!

Thank you!

My stories can be found here

Offline TheciaMarie

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Reply #1963 on: November 18, 2013, 03:16:52 PM
How Do You Unlock the Door?



John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock."

I thought I was into bestiality and necrophilia until I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

Offline Hoss

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Reply #1964 on: November 19, 2013, 05:13:33 AM
Short n Sweet   :emot_laughing:

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram


I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-Aussie slogans, with a half- burned Aussie Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.  Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell!  That could have been me !"  So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

The warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Australian bush
poetry can bring a tear to the eye.

We are blessed in Australia to have such an abundant wealth of
talented story tellers through whom future generations can learn
of our history and 21st century lifestyle.


Here is a classical example: A Poem About Tomatoes

I know a Muslim whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft & don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, 'cos they're still in the tin

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"


Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...

Offline Hoss

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Reply #1965 on: November 19, 2013, 05:29:23 AM

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #1966 on: November 19, 2013, 07:21:08 AM
There are similiarities between fishing and sex... ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline redhatlover

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Reply #1967 on: November 19, 2013, 03:30:14 PM
Quote from: Geminiguy on November 19, 2013, 07:21:08 AM
There are similiarities between fishing and sex... ;-)

OK, Tell us.

I am like Charlie the Tuna.  I don't want women with good taste, I want women who taste good.

Offline watcher1

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Reply #1968 on: November 19, 2013, 07:10:57 PM
If Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson merge will their new name be: TittyTittyBangBang?   8)

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.

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Reply #1969 on: November 19, 2013, 07:12:48 PM


 A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out
 to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale
 department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you
 have a size 28AAAA bra?"
 The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
 proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much
 the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the
 mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
 Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her
 blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
 The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried
 Clearasil?"



Offline vinney

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Reply #1970 on: November 19, 2013, 11:52:13 PM
Good one Becca...  :emot_laughing:

They say Clearasil will clear up anything...

vinney

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Offline Well Behaved Lady

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Reply #1971 on: November 20, 2013, 12:08:56 AM
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

-- You can GET chocolate.
-- Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.
-- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
-- You can have chocolate in in public.
-- If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind.
-- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
-- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
-- No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate.
-- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
-- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
-- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
-- Size doesn't matter -- though more is still better.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #1972 on: November 20, 2013, 05:48:10 AM
What does Homer Simpson fantasize about when he masturbates?

Donuts


IN ANSWER TO RHL'S QUESTION:

A trout only has one responsibility:

To keep is daughter off the fishing pole

Flounder? I hardly know her!

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline vinney

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Reply #1973 on: November 20, 2013, 12:00:55 PM

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

TinyDancer

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Reply #1974 on: November 20, 2013, 12:03:46 PM
New State Mottos


State Mottos


Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity


Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!


Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat


Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything


California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.


Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother


Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.


Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water


Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids


Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism


Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)


Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good


Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"


Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free


Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn


Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States


Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names


Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign


Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster


Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It


Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)


Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians


Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes


Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State


Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work


Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,& Very Little Else


Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest


Nevada: Whores and Poker -- WOO-EEE!!!


New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone


New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!


New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets


New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right to An Attorney...


North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable


North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!


Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan


Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing


Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner


Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal


Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island


South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender


South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota


Tennessee: The Educashun State


Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)


Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus


Vermont: Yep, syrup!


Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?


Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!


Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?


West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!


Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese


Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared !!!


Offline KinkyKacey

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Reply #1975 on: November 20, 2013, 09:46:47 PM
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.
So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.
By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse
and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.
So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the
way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man,
"Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

Bliss is Your Birthright: Make Sure To Orgasm Daily!

Offline Cats Whiskers

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Reply #1976 on: November 20, 2013, 09:56:04 PM
Quote from: LonerLeo on November 20, 2013, 09:46:47 PM
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.
So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.
By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse
and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.
So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the
way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man,
"Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

ROFLMAO

Quote from: vinney on November 20, 2013, 12:00:55 PM


Very nice, wish it were true!

My stories can be found here

Offline vinney

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Reply #1977 on: November 21, 2013, 12:24:28 AM

50 Shades – the Sequel

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth... back and forth..... in and out..........

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

TinyDancer

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Reply #1978 on: November 21, 2013, 12:33:35 AM
LMAO...that was too good vinney.  In my case it would not be the parking, would be backing up...smug bastard stands at the door and will watch, then run out making motions for me to roll down the window.  When I do he starts the usual lecture, still talking as I flip him off and drive away....ain't marriage grand!   ;D


Offline vinney

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Reply #1979 on: November 21, 2013, 12:50:32 AM
Yep marriage can be like that...

Could always ask him to stand behind you when you back up... :roll: now that could be grand... :emot_laughing:

vinney

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

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