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Offline vinney

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Reply #1940 on: November 10, 2013, 05:25:57 PM
A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but, still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident',

She asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline Well Behaved Lady

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Reply #1941 on: November 11, 2013, 12:16:17 PM
 This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you’re bad luck....."








Offline KinkyKacey

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Reply #1942 on: November 11, 2013, 01:53:46 PM
I get some goodies once in awhile from FB..

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"

-----------

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

Bliss is Your Birthright: Make Sure To Orgasm Daily!

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #1943 on: November 11, 2013, 05:05:36 PM
lol Crazy jokes today!

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline watcher1

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Reply #1944 on: November 12, 2013, 03:20:58 PM

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his
nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she
says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man
to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.

Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #1945 on: November 12, 2013, 05:13:20 PM
Paper route?!? lol

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline insatiable

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Reply #1946 on: November 13, 2013, 08:23:12 PM
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.

Something about something by someone important.

Offline watcher1

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Reply #1947 on: November 13, 2013, 10:34:46 PM
Quote from: insatiable on November 13, 2013, 08:23:12 PM
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.

Au contraire. Syphilis is reddish-brown in color.  8)

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.

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Reply #1948 on: November 13, 2013, 10:53:35 PM


Offline Hoss

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Reply #1949 on: November 14, 2013, 04:57:21 AM
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one (1) hour period.
 
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!   :roll: :roll:

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...

Offline insatiable

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Reply #1950 on: November 14, 2013, 05:31:35 PM
Quote from: watcher1 on November 13, 2013, 10:34:46 PM
Quote from: insatiable on November 13, 2013, 08:23:12 PM
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.

Au contraire. Syphilis is reddish-brown in color.  8)

After a short image search, I guess we both are right. When I get off my high, I may do more research. Now, where did I put my brain bleach?

Something about something by someone important.

Offline watcher1

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Reply #1951 on: November 14, 2013, 07:37:26 PM
Quote from: insatiable on November 14, 2013, 05:31:35 PM
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.


Au contraire. Syphilis is reddish-brown in color.  8)


After a short image search, I guess we both are right. When I get off my high, I may do more research. Now, where did I put my brain bleach?


Get off your high?  Now why would you want to do that?  Love you stoned.   8)

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.

Offline vinney

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Reply #1952 on: November 14, 2013, 11:10:09 PM
*No words of mine could ever convey the same feelings
of deep love, affectation and admiration that is contained in this
wonderfully expressive poem…….. I am lost for words! *

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin'
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every fuckin' word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..


Aw shucks... so sweet...  ;D

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline vinney

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Reply #1953 on: November 14, 2013, 11:16:40 PM

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

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Reply #1954 on: November 14, 2013, 11:29:19 PM
Quote from: vinney on November 14, 2013, 11:10:09 PM
*No words of mine could ever convey the same feelings
of deep love, affectation and admiration that is contained in this
wonderfully expressive poem…….. I am lost for words! *

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin'
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every fuckin' word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..


Aw shucks... so sweet...  ;D

Just loved the last stanza.  *rolls eyes*  That's ok vinney, I still love ya, even though your Tonka toy is more like a Tinker toy.   :emot_laughing:   :emot_kiss:


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #1955 on: November 15, 2013, 01:26:32 AM
Hmmm, and how did TD know about Vinney's Tinker toy???

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant

Offline watcher1

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Reply #1956 on: November 15, 2013, 02:56:28 AM
If my memory serves me, tinker toys came in varying lengths, some long and some short but all really skinny.  I wonder which size TD was referring to?  8)

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gomez38555

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Reply #1957 on: November 15, 2013, 03:19:17 AM
Quote from: watcher1 on November 15, 2013, 02:56:28 AM
If my memory serves me, tinker toys came in varying lengths, some long and some short but all really skinny.  I wonder which size TD was referring to?  8)



Had them when I was a kid.  Yes I'm old. :roll:


Offline Lippy

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Reply #1958 on: November 16, 2013, 08:46:02 AM
What's the difference between PMS and BSE?
One'is mad cow's disease and the other is an agricultural problem

TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
14. Pass My Shotgun
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make Me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck
And the number one thing PMS Stands for........Who Cares? I'm not in the mood to play this anymore!!



Offline DemonDelight

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Reply #1959 on: November 16, 2013, 11:07:34 PM
Got this off Facebook…HAD to share


I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”


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