Joke of the Day

[Well Behaved Lady]

The Irish a curious race?  That is putting it mildly.

How would you describe them?

Ladies are tough, but cute.  Tougher than their men.

Now that did make me laugh 

[Well Behaved Lady]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses €500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost €500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Well you just go and tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

[Katiebee]

An Irishman and a Scotsman were arguing and one called the other a barbarian. To which the Scotsman replied, "We scots were serving a civilized king while you lot were still painting yourselves blue!"

To which the Irishman retorted, "And since when have the English been civilized?"

[Katiebee]

An old Scots saying, " Anyone who hates the English can nae be all bad."

[GEMINIGUY]

lol Great jokes everybody! Thanks for all the laughs!

[watcher1]

How would you describe them?

Ladies are tough, but cute.  Tougher than their men.


Now that did make me laugh 

Glad I could make you laugh, WBL.  What it is all about.  But those Irish jokes. They are not jokes -they are the truth.   

[gomez38555]

The Irish a curious race?  That is putting it mildly.

How would you describe them?

Ladies are tough, but cute.  Tougher than their men.

Nice save

[gomez38555]

Couple of years ago I was at a gathering of the local shooting club. Sitting next to me was a Welsh friend of mine Ray, across the table was a fellow from Ireland.  As we were all having a few drinks, the two began discussing who could drink more, the Welsh or the Irish.

As the conversation started to become heated, I decided it would be best it I stepped in.
"Ray" I said, "I've never heard of Welsh Whiskey"

[Marasa]

We haven't Irish people here... But there are estonish ones

Two estonish guys are fishing. Suddenly one of them pulls the fishing rod and and fishes pretty mermaid.
He looks her round with attention and throws her away to the water.
10 minutes ago other estonian asks: - Why?
Some minutes later first one answers: - But where?

[GEMINIGUY]

Good one, Gomez. Being Irish myself, the things that are joked about is true [though i don't drink myself], especially the Irish temper [definitely me there, lol].

[Janus]

GG you don't strike me as a person that has a foul temper at all. Now I am a bit Irish and as most of you know my temper has gotten the better of me at times.

I am mostly German and Scot....

GG have you got any German in you?

[Janus]

How are you doing?

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.

"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.

[TinyDancer]

A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because the waitresses

there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums.



Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the food and

service was good and the wine selection was excellent.



Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because they could dine

in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.



Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because the restaurant

was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.



10 years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant,

because they had never been there before and heard it was quite
good !!!!!!!!!!

[watcher1]

Thanks, TD.  I have been to three of those mentioned.  Now I know what I have to look forward to.  But at least the girls are still perky.

[TheciaMarie]

    An 'OLD Guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
     
    When he gets there, he discovers the new Urologist is a very pretty female doctor
    .
    The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, " 99."
     
    The old guy obeys and says, "99."
     
    The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99.'
    Again, the old guy says, '99.'
     
    The doctor said, “Very good”.
     
    Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
    Now take a deep breath and say,
    '99'
    The old guy begins,
    "One...
    two…
    three…"
     
    You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
    You grow old because you stop laughing!

 

[watcher1]

 
       
    You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
    You grow old because you stop laughing!

 

I started to think this was another "old person" joke but found out how true those last words are that you wrote.  WOO Marie!

[gomez38555]

A man is walking past a tall wooden fence and he hears a voice saying "13 13 13 13".
Curious, he looks through a knothole in the fence. Suddenly he is poke in the eye.  As he stumbles away, holding his injured eye, he hears "14 14 14".

[GEMINIGUY]

Great jokes, guys and ladies, thanks!

Hey, Janus, you've never seen my Irish temper because i've rarely lost it on her. I was pissed off at one guy on her years ago and told him off in 1408, forgot his name, though i remember he had many.

[Hoss]

 Not intending to be sexist...just the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth....

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off..

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)



1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.

11. Enter PIN ..

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

[Marasa]

I'd agree if it would be named "Bimbo procedure"...