Joke of the Day

[Gina Marie]

An Alter boy walks into confession and says, 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a... slutty girl.'

The priest leans forward and asks, 'Is that you, Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And exactly who was this girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father... I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Gina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you.'

'Was it Maria Miriano?'

'My lips are sealed Father.'

'Come on boy, was it Rosa DiAngelo?'

'Really Father, I just can't tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go say twenty Hail Marys and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco leans over, and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

Joey smiles and says, 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads!'

[GEMINIGUY]

WAY TO GO, JOE - Y!!!

[gomez38555]

Janus, i'm so sorry you're son ratted you out. ;-)
The second one was just cruel.

butt accurate

[Well Behaved Lady]

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

  this is funny as fuck to me even if no one else thinks so

[vinney]

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard,
had attempted  to sue St Luke's Hospital, alleging that after her husband had surgery there, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ...

"Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

[TinyDancer]

When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes, just smile and think of this:

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked around her family dairy farm since she was old enough to walk,

with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940’s, she read an advertisement

offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with “Carnation Milk is best of all…”

She said, “I know all about milk and dairy farms…I can do this!”

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… a man got out and said, “Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it….”

Here is her entry:

“Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul,
no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.”

[Janus]

What did the skanky girl's mother say to her when she went out?
“If you're not in bed by eleven o'clock, come home.”
=====================================================================

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”

[GEMINIGUY]

Is this a true story, J-man? lol

[TheciaMarie]

What did the skanky girl's mother say to her when she went out?
“If you're not in bed by eleven o'clock, come home.”
=====================================================================

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”

Why do I totally believe you on this one   Janus....??

[Janus]

Why do I totally believe you on this one   Janus....??

Hey, she didn't say no....You know that is the safe word. Remember? 

[TinyDancer]

The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Well Behaved Lady]

 

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

[GEMINIGUY]

I read the head switching in an Urban Legends book, though it was a regular old dude mortician in that story.

[Lippy]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside... 

The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man
"Shit!, that must be my husband!" 
So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car. 

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman
"I'm your husband, you slut!!!" 
So the woman answers:-
"Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You son of a bitch!!!"

[GEMINIGUY]

This will go great in divorce court, lol

[TinyDancer]

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond
man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

 

A woman phoned her blond neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the
next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and
laughing at you yesterday." To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on
all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry
hair, and I've just wet mine."


A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy,"
he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to
me." The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."


A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her
husband!"


A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly, he has to swerve
to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he
tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your
air freshener swinging about!"

A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't
you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still
missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he
replies.

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says
the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

[GEMINIGUY]

What's the difference between a Blonde and a guy?




The Blonde has the higher sperm count.

[KinkyKacey]

Ok.. This hit my mailbox so had to share. 
Unsure if this would be a joke, or more just words of wisdom
 
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.  The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.  So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.  Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
 
The question?... What do women really want?  Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.  But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
 
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester.  He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
 
Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.
 
But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
 
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman.  She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
 
The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
 
Young Arthur was horrified.  She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.  He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
 
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
 
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
 
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:
 
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.
 
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
 
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.
 
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.  But, what a sight awaited him.  The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.  The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
 
The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
 
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?
 
Lancelot pondered the predicament.  During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman?  Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
 
What would YOU do?

In the end, Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
 
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
 
Now... what is the moral to this story?
 
The moral is...
 
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly 

[GEMINIGUY]

But you don't want a spoiled brat either, female OR male.

[Katiebee]

But you don't want a spoiled brat either, female OR male.

If you don't stop saying these horrid things, GG, I'm going to hold my breath.

Or maybe I'll just make you hold yours.