KRISTEN'S BOARD
KB - a better class of pervert

vinney · **Reply #140 on:** May 13, 2012, 01:48:16 AM

Twenty Push-ups

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying,

"Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #141 on:** May 13, 2012, 04:31:19 AM

Hmmm, i was wondering what the jockey and dwarves were doing under my bed...

Holly · **Reply #142 on:** May 13, 2012, 05:07:58 PM

VERY funny Vinney, the two dwarf joke made me snort!

vinney · **Reply #143 on:** May 14, 2012, 11:56:50 PM

The Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men
with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy
to their design.

First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish
and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

vinney · **Reply #144 on:** May 15, 2012, 12:04:51 AM

First visit

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing...

"but I'd rather have my husband's baby."

vinney · **Reply #145 on:** May 15, 2012, 12:08:13 AM

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

vinney · **Reply #146 on:** May 15, 2012, 12:11:54 AM

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:

"She choked."

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #147 on:** May 15, 2012, 02:57:08 AM

That guy must've been blonde...

ynglvr · **Reply #148 on:** May 15, 2012, 04:11:32 AM

that was good...and completely unexpected

vinney · **Reply #149 on:** May 16, 2012, 01:23:50 PM

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

vinney · **Reply #150 on:** May 16, 2012, 01:26:57 PM

Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."

"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

vinney · **Reply #151 on:** May 16, 2012, 01:29:38 PM

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

vinney · **Reply #152 on:** May 16, 2012, 01:32:15 PM

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem ...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?".

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

coacheric · **Reply #153 on:** May 16, 2012, 01:34:08 PM

Great joke Vinney

vinney · **Reply #154 on:** May 16, 2012, 01:41:26 PM

Thanks coach...

vinney

vinney · **Reply #155 on:** May 16, 2012, 01:41:59 PM

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #156 on:** May 16, 2012, 09:30:37 PM

Wow, i wonder if that really works...

vinney · **Reply #157 on:** May 17, 2012, 12:10:15 AM

You'll have to try it GG... so what colour bike do you want...?

vinney

vinney · **Reply #158 on:** May 17, 2012, 12:43:43 AM

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."

vinney · **Reply #159 on:** May 17, 2012, 12:47:17 AM

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger tits".

The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".

"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.

"Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend...

Joke of the Day

coacheric