Hope this story belongs here... enjoy...
Predicament.
Boing, boing, boing, boing....the bed creaked under their mad wild, passionate, love. Well love it wasn’t, but lust? That was more like it.
Kenny the widower had fancied Tracey next door for years, even before he married Evelyn. Evelyn sadly died when her bra strap gave way under immense pressure of its overload as she ran to catch a bus. The sudden motion tipped her off balance and she fell into the road in front of the late running number sixty-nine. The poor driver must have had a shock but so, it seems, did Evelyn who was immediately dispatched to another place leaving Kenny widowed to fend for himself.
After the tragedy, Tracey felt pity for him and started doing little favours to help out and even bigger ones when her own husband was away on the continent. It could be said she was an insatiable woman and certainly Kenny had no complaints.
On the particular day in question, they’d had their elevenses before starting their keep fit regime of press-ups that produced the boing, boing, boings from the bedroom. Tracey liked to be in control and pinned Kenny to the bed, not that he minded. Boing, boing, boing, the bed resounded merrily, the pace gently increasing; Boing, boing, boing,TWANG!
‘Yeowwwww!’ Kenny screeched, so Tracey bonked harder as his protests rang out.
‘Already? You haven’t, have you?’ she panted continuing to up the pace.
‘Fuck!!!! Gerroff!’ he screamed
‘Be quiet! The neighbours might hear!’ then laughed. ‘Well the other neighbour anyway.’
Boing, boing, boing the bed continued until, with one ear-splitting scream, Kenny pushed her off.
Poor Tracey fell off the bed landing hard on the floor. Stunned and angry she asked why he’d done it but he didn’t answer. Naked, he lay writhing in agony and moaning mournfully. She had thought he was man enough for the job in hand but Kenny had let her down.
‘Shuttup stupid!’ she hissed pulling on her clothes. Poor Kenny couldn’t argue, he was in too much pain. It was only when Tracey noticed the white sheet slowly turning crimson that she realised something was amiss. Kenny pleaded for help getting off the bed, but the more she tried to pull him the more he suffered.
Suddenly, without warning there was another loud twanging noise, Kenny jerked upwards, screamed even louder but managed to roll onto his stomach. There were two holes in the mattress, one with a spring protruding and the other with nothing showing at all. Tracey saw where one spring had stabbed him on his bleeding right cheek, whilst the missing spring wasn’t missing at all. It was just visible, embedded between his peach like buttocks!
Momentarily she snorted with laughter but realising the severity of the situation, grabbed a flannel and towel from the bathroom to stem the blood.
Kenny was more concerned about the stinging feeling and pleaded, ‘Get it out!’
‘That’s a first!’ Tracey muttered but her delicate fingers couldn’t grip it and panicking asked for a pair of pliers.
‘Under the kitchen sink....’ he groaned.
A few minutes later she returned complete with tool in hand; the pliers gripped the spring but the intensity of pain and his wretched screaming was too much to bear so she picked up the phone and dialled 999.
‘Emergency, which service?’
‘I don’t know....’ Tracey answered truthfully. Maybe the fire brigade who were quite adept at freeing people from awkward situations, or should it be an ambulance?
After several direct questions the operator, desperately stifling her amusement, confirmed an ambulance was on its way, but Tracey should keep the patient as still as possible. Agonising minutes seemed like hours until the ambulance eventually arrived and the female paramedic kept a hand over her mouth as an embarrassed Tracey explained the situation.
Upstairs the sight of Kenny laying face down on the bed with his butt sticking up in the air was just too much and both paramedic and driver laughed loudly.
‘That’s nasty Kenny...’ she eventually said. ‘I’m Felicity, and goodness me! What have we here?’
Kenny agonised as her gloved hand wiggled the broken spring. ‘How nasty,’ she said. ‘It’s stuck deep inside so will need to get you to A&E. They’ve got the equipment to spring it out... sorry, to remove it.’
She took a hypodermic needle for a pain killing injection. ‘You’ll feel a little prick' – her driver guffawed in the background, ‘but it won’t hurt half as much as that spring.’ Turning to her driver Felicity said ‘Stretcher please, Dick. Come on, spring to it!’
With a blanket pulled over him, Kenny was carried face down on the stretcher to the ambulance. Tracey declined to go with him, instead slipping unobserved into the rear yard, over the garden fence and back to her home.
Driver Dick couldn’t stop laughing at Kenny’s predicament and managed to find every pothole en route, testing the vehicle’s suspension and Kenny’s diminishing will to live. Two roundabouts, a sharp right, an immediate left and they were outside A&E.
Kenny looked a right picture, face beetroot red, blood stained buttocks and a metal object protruding. Felicity primed the nurses as the stretcher was wheeled into a cubicle. There were fourteen staff on duty and every one poked their head round the curtain to get an unforgettable view of the well sprung derriere. For posterity’s sake one or two took photos with their mobile phones.
Dr Chung Lee asked ‘How did it happen?’
‘Fucking...’ Kenny groaned.
‘Please no swear. How did it happen?’
‘Fucking...’
‘I no tell you again, please no swear. How did it happen?’
A nurse whispered in the doctor’s ear. ‘Oh! Oh! Funny, haha. What sort of spring is it?’
Between jolts of laughter a porter blurted, ‘Box spring, coil spring, barrel spring, conical spring maybe a watch spring?’
One of the male nurses smirked, ’It’s’ an ... innerspring ...!’
Everyone laughed except Kenny who was quite agitated.
‘I give you a relaxant in your buttock... then we will be able to prise it out,’ Dr Lee said.
The relaxant injection nearly missed but with trembling hand the doctor managed to stab the needle in.
Within five minutes, everyone had stopped laughing, as the doctor managed to extract the spring without too much trouble and the predicament was over. A male nurse produced a plastic bottle, pressed the spring inside, filled it with water and, screwing the top back on, handed it to the recuperating Kenny. ‘Here, mate, have a bottle of spring water.....’