The Question You Should Never Ask a Lesbian Mom?

[insatiable]

If I have posted this in wrong board, please move it.

The Question You Should Never Ask a Lesbian Mom

A few weeks ago I took my 11-year-old son Ben to the doctor. He had been snoring so loudly that his brother refused to sleep in the same room, so we made an appointment with the best pediatric E.N.T. in the entire world. (Yes, that's what it's like living in NYC.) When we checked in, the nurse gave me some forms to fill out. I was a bit taken aback when I noticed that the forms said "Mother's Name" and "Father's Name," given that we live in one of the most socially progressive cities in the world. I did my customary sigh and cross-out and wrote "Parent/Guardian 1" and "Parent/Guardian 2," as I had done scores of times before. Ben watched as I handed the papers back to the nurse, mentioning that the forms needed to be updated. He had seen me do this way too many times.

The nurse perfunctorily agreed and walked us down the hall to the examining room, where we waited patiently for this highly acclaimed doctor, who was indeed warm and smart and had a great bedside manner. He informed us that Ben needed sinus surgery and his tonsils removed. As we were checking out with the nurse, she suggested that we schedule the surgery immediately, because the doctor gets really booked up. (When the hell am I going to get booked up? Oh, different doctor. Let's move on.)

The nurse phoned New York-Presbyterian Hospital to make the arrangements while we stood at her desk. At one point during her conversation, she seemed a bit uncomfortable and kept looking up at me while saying into the phone, "Sure... well... uh-huh... OK...." A moment later she covered the phone with her hand and asked me, "Um, who's the real mother?"

Now, I have been asked that question many times -- too many times -- and when I was with my children's other mother, we would say, "We forgot," or, "What do you mean? We both are, of course." But that was when the kids were little and didn't comprehend the ignorance of that inquiry. It would happen at airports, in food courts, basically in places where people are more likely to come over and tell you how cute your kids are. But this was different. I was at a doctor's office, and I had already crossed out the words "Mother" and "Father" on the forms, and my son was standing next to me and knew exactly what the nurse was asking. I responded firmly yet kindly, "We are both his real mothers. If you are asking who is his biological or birth mother, that would be me. Don't ever ask that question again -- especially in front of a child."

A few days later I received paperwork from the hospital that the nurse had called. I was blown away when I began to fill out the forms: "Mother's Name," "Mother's Home Phone Number," "Father's Name," "Father's Work Phone Number." Hello?! Is it 1957?! I did my usual crossing out, but this time I used a sharpie and a lot of fury.

The day before the surgery, as I was walking to get on the bus, my cellphone rang.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hi," said a voice on the other end. "May I please speak to Benjamin's mother or father?"

"Is this the hospital?" My blood pressure was rising.

"Yes it is. We are calling to confirm Benjamin's surgery tomorrow. It will be at 3:30. Please arrive by 1. No food or liquids after midnight."

"Benjamin doesn't have a father. He has two mothers. All your forms say 'Mother' and 'Father.' Is there someone I can speak to about this?"

"Oh, I totally understand. Yes, there is. Here is the number you can call to file a complaint."

"Thanks. This can get quite infuriating."

"I bet. I get it. I really do. It's ridiculous. Have a nice day."

"Oh, it's going to be a delightful 24 hours, especially tomorrow morning, when my food-obsessed child can't eat or drink until his surgery is over."

I hung up and called the administrative office to file a complaint. I left a message with my name and phone number. Nobody called me back.

The following day the three of us -- Ben, my ex (Ben's other mom) and I -- arrived at the hospital. The first person who greeted us gave us more paperwork and asked if Ben was on his mother's or his father's insurance.

"Ben doesn't have a father," I said. "He has two mothers. The forms should all say that."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Can whomever's insurance he's on sign here?"

"Sure. And, you know, this paper work should really be updated."

"Yes, ma'am."

I don't know if I was more pissed off at the customary blowoff or that fact that she called me "ma'am."

We sat on the couch, and the social worker came over to speak to us about what was going to happen and to put Ben at ease.

"Hi," she said. "I'm Karen, the social worker. And you are Benjamin, right? And this is your mom?"

"We're both his moms," I said. There is no mistaking that I am Ben's bio mom: At just 11 years old he's already 5-foot-7½ and 150 pounds, wears a size-12 men's shoe and has a face identical to mine.

"Oh, OK. Great."

Moments later another nurse handed us one parent-sized hospital gown, so we assumed that only one of us could accompany Ben to the operating room. We asked Ben whom he wanted with him as he fell asleep and whom he wanted with him when he woke up. As usual, he said he didn't care and asked us to decide. Then I noticed a mom and a dad in hospital gowns exiting the operating room. I summoned the nurse and asked if only one parent was allowed to accompany Ben.

"Oh, no," she said. "Both parents are allowed into the operating room."

"Then we will need another gown," I told her. "We are both his parents."

"Absolutely! So sorry."

I can go on and on about how many more times that day we had to "come out" as a family. I can also tell you the palpable guilt I felt as my son had to witness our inequality over and over again. But there was one last straw. The following morning the hospital phoned to see how Ben was doing. Ben answered the phone, because I was out getting him some soup, and the person asked, "Can I speak to your mother or father?" And now it was his turn. His turn to come out. His turn to explain his family. I was incensed and simultaneously disheartened. I needed to scream from the mountaintop, so I tweeted. Some hours later I got a tweet from Dr. Robert Kelly, New York-Presbyterian's president, asking me to email him. I sent him an email with my phone number, and shockingly enough he called me soon thereafter. He expressed how mortified he was and mentioned that he brought it up in the executive staff meeting that morning. He also assured me that changes were going to be made immediately, and that it was going to take some time, but that he was going to get this done. I thanked him and reminded him that this issue doesn't just affect LGBT families but families that lost a parent on 9/11 or in Afghanistan or Iraq or in any other awful way. It affects all those families that don't fit the mold, and there are a lot of us. And even though President Obama's recent inaugural address demonstrates that minds are changing, they can't change quickly enough for this lesbian mom with a sick kid.

Before I hung up with Dr. Kelly, I suggested that his employees take just a few seconds to look at the paper that I crossed out with my large black sharpie so that they would know exactly who they will be talking. It might just be the son of a frustrated and angry lesbian mom. Ben or any other child should not be burdened with explaining that their families are just as valid as everyone else's.

Main reason why I posted this here, is I am curious of what others think of this article.

[GEMINIGUY]

It's surprising that we're in the twenty-first century now but most people haven't "gotten with the times". And aren5z these people being trained right? Or are they being trained to ignore any changes you make to their forms. It's really irritating and seems disrespectful to me not to properly acknowledge Ben's mother(s) correctly, and it would be lame if anyone she had to deal with claim they're "too busy" to acknowledge such things. *rolls eyes*

[DemonDelight]

I'm speaking as someone who is in a heterosexual relationship, who is still with the father of my children, and I agree with what this frustrated mother is saying. I can't believe the amount of ignorance that was shown here. Is it so hard to actually look at the paperwork of the patient you are about to speak with/about? Isn't that their job? I understand they get busy, but your job at that very moment is to learn about the patient in front of you. Why do they hand out paperwork for everyone to fill out if they're not even going to read it?

I never understood why I would have to fill out all these questionnaires only to be asked the same questions not once, but twice! By the nurse and then again by the doctor. WTF is the point of the effing paperwork? I thought it was to save time...apparently I was wrong.

I can only speak so much on the frustrations of this particular mother as I myself am not in the same situation as her, but I am aware. I know of a few people who were raised by their grandparents and they had to go through the same thing. Times have indeed changed and it's about time places such as hospitals caught up. I am not very PC when it comes to things, but in situations like this I try to be.

[Lois]

My first thought was that for healthcare reasons the hospital might need to know who the biological mother and father are, but as I read on I realized that this was not the situation.  I agree, the hospital and others really need to be paying more attention.

[RopeFiend]

Even in a hospital about to undergo surgery, I can't conceive of a case where the hospital needs to know who the original sperm donor was.  It's utterly irrelevant.  All they need to know is the name of one (or more) legal guardians for insurance purposes and to cover them legally to perform the operation. 

We're still a long ways away from DNA history being worth mentioning for any medical procedure; maybe in the Star Trek universe, but not here, not now.

The medical industry is exceedingly far behind the times.  Don't expect them to change anytime soon.  It took them 20 years to remove 'homosexuality' from the psych textbooks as 'deviant behavior', though it's probably easier to get them to change biological mother and father to 'guardians'.  There's a lot of adopted kids in the world with NO existing biological parents.  They have to deal with that properly and considerately.

[Lois]

If there was a case of a need for a bone marrow transplant then finding out close family relations might be a need as they would be the most likely compatible donors.  But clearly that was not the case here.

[Katiebee]

Well, in the case of heterosexual adoptive parents, they never ask who the biological mother and father is.

The forms should be set up as Parent/Guardian 1 adn Parent/Guardian 2. The Father may not have insurance, or the father may have a birthday after the mother's in which case the mother's insurance, if she has that separately, would be the primary.

It takes so little to make it functionally correct. Just good grammar and syntax, and proper writing.

[insatiable]

Wow, you guys are so different. The other LGBT forum where I submitted this, large number of commenters started calling the author of the above post a Bitch, who had no other work, than to whine and be an attention whore. Some of the people who agreed with author but still pointed out that the author was being rude, and she could have said her points in slightly better manner.

Despite that forum being populated by members of LGBT community only 10-15 % of commenters applauded the author for standing up.

[RopeFiend]

I've had similar results with hospitals before.  The last two times I went in, the form had a spot for "religion".  One time I couldn't write, so I told them "none".  The lady in triage typed more letters than 4 (for NONE), so I asked what she'd written in there.

note: Taoism isn't a religion... we don't worship an imaginary friend, so I don't HAVE a religion.

The woman had  typed "PROTESTANT" into my form.  I went ballistic, saying I wasn't a bleeping PROTESTANT, and she would damned well REMOVE that offensive religious affiliation from my form.  She replied that she had to put SOMETHING in there, and since "NONE" wasn't an acceptable answer, I told her to put TAOIST in there instead.  She asked if that was a *real* religion, and I told her it's just as phony as all of the rest of them, only slightly less laughable.

The last time I didn't bother and wrote TAOIST in myself, though it's not strictly a 'faith'; it's a philosophy for most of us.


Over the years, other people have gotten FRISBEETERIAN, PASTAFARIAN as well as BOB when they get nosy about my religion.  It's personal, and none of their damned business.

[Janus]

Well.....To be perfectly honest, when I started reading this I did think that this lady was being a little bitchy about it all. Then as I stopped and thought about it, I remembered all the forms I have filled out for my job. When we get down to the last form in the stack, we go to the filing cabinet and pull the master copy and make a few dozen copies for the stack. Yeah it's that easy. So maybe if they just made a new master copy of a corrected form then it wouldn't fall onto the shoulders of the office staff.

Most of us know all about filling out those blasted forms. It's a real pain in the ass and not something any of us look forward to. Especially in the Dr.'s office. It's like the same damn form 50 times. All the same info just a different place that it needs to go. That alone is enough to get your blood pressure up. It would seem quite simple to just change the master copy so it would more accurately reflect the diversity of the culture in which we live.

I understand her frustration and I understand why she would have gone to the lengths that she did to have the forms changed. I say kudos to her for actually giving enough of a shit to do something about it.

Janus

[Gina Marie]

Wow, you guys are so different. The other LGBT forum where I submitted this, large number of commenters started calling the author of the above post a Bitch, who had no other work, than to whine and be an attention whore. Some of the people who agreed with author but still pointed out that the author was being rude, and she could have said her points in slightly better manner.

Despite that forum being populated by members of LGBT community only 10-15 % of commenters applauded the author for standing up.

Makes me wonder how many of those "commenters" are actually LGBT...

[Bexy]

 
Over the years, other people have gotten FRISBEETERIAN, PASTAFARIAN as well as BOB when they get nosy about my religion.  It's personal, and none of their damned business.

Damn, I would have so much fun filling out forms, alas we don't have such utter backwardedness in my country. Think of the reactions when you fill out SATANIST. 

[MissBarbara]

When I read this post, my feeling was similar to what Insatiable describes as that held by the people on that other board: the woman was being rude, and extremely impatient.

Despite what this woman says, New York City is not "one of the most socially progressive cities in the world." There are probably 50 cities (or more) in Europe that are far more socially progressive. It's not even the most socially progressive city in the U.S.; that would be San Francisco, by a long shot.

But the fact that she believes New York City is "one of the most socially progressive cities in the world," speaks volumes about her reaction. She assumes everyone should think the same way she does, and that everyone should act the same way she does. And that's her chief problem.

Even the headline of this article is misguided. She's not a "lesbian mom," she's a mom. Period. The whole point is that non-heterosexual parents should never be viewed differently than heterosexual parents. So, why the qualifier?

Of course, I too yearn for a world where a woman like this should never be faced with a dilemma like this, where every person who deals with other people professionally is broad-minded, and where parents are viewed as parents, irrespective of their sexuality, or sex.

One phrase of Lois's really struck me: "Others really need to be paying more attention." I've never been a fan of the "We're here, we're queer, and fuck you if you don't like it" attitude. It's is up to "us" to ensure that others do pay attention, and it's up to "us" to help others -- with education, understanding, and, most important, patience. We DEMAND that others understand us and accept us. But sometimes, we make very little effort to understand them and accept them.

As much as I loathe the phrase, this woman missed out on a great "teaching moment." Had she handled herself more appropriately, the others would have learned and grown from the experience. And it's a shame she reacted the way she did.



 

[Gina Marie]

Even the headline of this article is misguided. She's not a "lesbian mom, "she's a mom. Period. The whole point is that non-heterosexual parents should never be viewed differently than heterosexual parents. So, why the qualifier?

WOO for that excellent point.