A Swinger's Guide: How Not to Get Jealous

[AB-2007]

A Swinger's Guide: How Not to Get Jealous
by Chantelle of Funlovncouple

I have never been a jealous type of person, but because people have frequently asked me why, it’s prompted me to take a deeper look.

First, let me ask this: what happens when you have something you love dearly that you’re afraid of losing? You hold onto it tighter, you keep an eye on it and you’re very particular about who you let borrow or take care of it!

What happens when you do that to a person? They feel suffocated, trapped and at some point, they’ll look for the fastest way out. But if you give them freedom, they’ll want to stay. So why would I act as if I’m afraid of losing him?

If you don’t mind, I’m going to take you inside my head for just a moment. I promise you won’t be there long and it is perfectly safe: just keep your hands inside the vehicle, no flash photography, safety goggles and harnesses on, now hold on for the ride!

Do you want to know the key thing that allows me to swing and not get jealous? The one thing that makes all the difference? Well here it is: It’s that I don’t look at my husband as ‘belonging’ to me.

In my mind he’s not a possession; I don’t own him and he doesn’t own me. This means that we are operating from a different level of respect; we allow the other to choose to stay with us for another day. When we focus on how grateful we are to have them in our lives, we become less concerned with thoughts of “What if I lose them?”

Now let’s just look at this a little further. Jealousy also comes from insecurities. You’ve probably seen this happen: One partner’s attention gets temporarily diverted to someone who looks like an ultra sexy supermodel that one could only ever dream of being with. The thoughts start to creep in: “They must be better than me,” and “My partner wants to be with her more than me.” These thoughts are not true!

These doubts often stem from a person’s lack of self-esteem. If you have these thoughts, you need to work on them first, and get comfortable in your own skin. Not the easiest thing in the world to do, but the payoff is huge in your relationship!

I’m the first one to acknowledge that other women have bigger breasts, a firmer butt, fewer stretch marks, more of this, less of that than I do… Basically there will always be someone I consider to be better looking than me in some way.

But what’s the point in getting upset about it? Seriously, it’s a waste of time and energy that I could be spending either doing something about it (by going back to the gym), or simply enjoying the fact he is with me and doing something together that makes us happy.

If you’d rather not be jealous the key is to make it about your partner and not you. Think about it for a second: when you get jealous it’s all about what YOU are not getting, or what YOU might lose. His happiness is what’s important to me, so I give him the freedom to make the comments about the hot chick that just walked past in a short skirt and boobs almost falling out. If he feels he can be honest with what he’s thinking, without judgment or being slapped, he’ll talk to me about his other deepest darkest desires. Yeeha!!!

When we’re playing with other people, I love seeing him with someone else because he’s having so much fun, he’s doing something (or someone) new and enjoying the experience, and THAT is important to me. It’s about him making the most of this life and me being able to do the same. If he feels like he can relax with me and be himself, he’s happy! Imagine being in a relationship where you have to censor everything you say and you feel like you’re walking on egg shells trying not to upset your partner because of his jealousy. Is it a relaxed relationship? Is it fun to be in? Are you likely to share everything with him? Hell no!

Now flip it and imagine being in a relationship where you can throw out the odd comment about how gorgeous a non-partner was, where you are not being judged and are free to be you in every aspect of the word, where you are able to share your deepest darkest desires (which may include someone else) and you will only be greeted with support and encouragement. How does it make you feel? You want to stay there, right?

I’ve just described the relationship I have and it’s phenomenal. I am the happiest I can be and our love only grows stronger as a result of the openness we have… And it’s all because of the way we both think! My best advice is to be so grateful for every second you have together, rather than in fear of it ending. Your gratefulness will help you move past the fear so you can allow them to choose to stay.

I give him freedom to be him, he gives me freedom to be me, and we support each other every step of the way. Neither one of us holds the other so tightly that they want to be anywhere else but here. And why would I ever want to be with someone else? With him I get to have my cake and eat it too!

[Vic (Vickie)]

just read this, i could not have said it better, we swing foe pure enjoyment. For me it is the anticipation leading up to the actual playing, and yes I do enjoy seeing my spouse enjoying himself with his partner.

[KinkyKacey]

This is an aspect I've always enjoyed reading about as well while studying Polyamory... Not even about the sex aside, it allows for relationships to exist that do not have to "change" the individual. The thought that "I'm having a relationship and I can still be totally "me" without censorship or "changing" my personality" is one side of a poly relationship or a marriage that I find interesting to my overly-logical mind.

I've seen friends change from what they were to some sort of hyper controlled "mix" of the couple, ultimately losing some aspects of what made them fun to be around or even blocking their self-expression. Some would call that (for guy's changes after) being "pussy whipped". There's identity loss, and just existing to support her. Which I guess is ok for some.. But then give a year or 2 and the woman wonders where the excitement went from her partner...
Have seen that happen both ways.

The aspect then of Poly thought in allowing each individual to be themselves for who they are without forcing changes (and allowing more logical thought in handling issues and events) really has intrigued me because of this.

[Vic (Vickie)]

perhaps you are on to something. However we have never considered ourselves to be in a  "Polyamory relationship. We play with maybe 10 other couples. One of our guideline is we only play as a couple, however i will admit we have both found singles we are attracted to from time to time, but we both know where each other are at all times (separate rooms). I just like the idea that if I find myself in a difficult position with a guy I can call my husband.

[rivet]

Unfortunately, my lady doesn't like to "share".  The opening post is beautifully put.  Sharing is something I'd love to do if my lady would enjoy doing other men, but I don't think that will happen even after my forwarding the post to her to read.  And I'm going to stick with her.

[CalaSenior]

Well written guide. The foundation is feeling secure in your relationship and as you point out taking pleasure in your partner's pleasure. I love watching my wife with other men. They can please her in other ways than I and she deserves that pleasure. Just let go and don't cling tightly.

[Scotty]

 you and I are OUT you ask (looking around) who would you do I point (making sure she sees) then I ask you and you point (making sure he sees) then we kiss passionately and I show up tomorrow, we get stoned and share, then